Sunday, November 13, 2011

who the hell did i think i was?

I have had this blog for exactly a year now and it seems that the labels can indicate the topics I always lean toward in this unique journey I have allowed you as readers to join me on. In the last year, I have mistakenly blogged about things too personal, I have hurt feelings, I have attempted to describe my own feelings, I have questioned, made judgements, expressed confusion and been unable to express words but still made messy attempts to do so. It's been a wild ride this last year, but then again, that is what life is, just a ride. 
The last few months, I haven't been able to write nearly as much as I would have liked, but I have made notes of future posts to come. Just know that even though I am not blogging on here as often, this blog has become important to me and I do not plan on deleting it or fully neglecting it anytime soon. 
It seems I have blogged the most about love, more than anything else. The other labels most often tagged are friendships, Dave Matthews, change, college life. For today's blog post, look up a label that suites you and find what I said this past year on it. 

"stranger than your sympathy, this is my apology...
when all my fears have pushed you out.
i wished for things that i don't need. all i wanted.
what i chase won't set me free. its all i wanted.
and i get scared, but i am not crawling on my knees.
oh yeah, everything's all wrong here.
where the hell did i think i was?
stranger than your sympathy, take these things so i don't feel...
now, my head's been filled with doubt.
it's hard to lead the life you choose.
you can't see when all your dreams are coming true..
oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah. and you choke on the regrets.
who the hell did i think i was?
stranger than your sympathy, all these thoughts you stole from me.
i'm not sure where i belong.
no where's home and i'm all wrong.
i wasn't all the things that i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted, and all the talk, and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me... 
stranger than your sympathy, stranger than your sympathy..." -Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy

A song that I've had on repeat all week. I am reading this incredible book and just trying to live up to the ambitious calls for a higher living she makes. Wow, I realize how greedy I have been with the dreams that I am chasing, realizing that some of the things I've wanted so badly are literally in my hands and I can't even be thankful for that.
You know when you have one of those days where you doubt every move you make and every decision that you've taken to get to this point? When you think, "wow, maybe I really fucked it up good this time." And then it seems like you blink, and your conscious is telling you, "It feels so good to know that I made the right decision." That voice in your head is telling you, "I listened to my heart and my mind bicker and I chose. I went for it. Good job! Sleep well tonight, Steph. Give yourself a pat on the back." this is a song for that exact moment when you hear them both, simultaneously. 
the moment when you look back on yesterday or the day before, or last week, or last year and wonder, WHO THE HELL DID I THINK I WAS?
When you say, this is my apology for making the decisions that I have in case they are wrong because I have no clue what I am doing even though I try so hard to pretend like I do. My apology that I am so far from perfect even though I want to be the best version of myself at all times, i fall so short. My apology that I have been so greedy with my blessings and dream chasing. That I'm not sure where I belong and that stranger than your sympathy is the endless reverie I am drowning in from my own mind. 
I get scared, but I am not crawling on my knees. 

If what I chase won't set me free, then why the hell is it something I am chasing?