Monday, January 31, 2011

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

Hearts are worn in these dark ages 
You're not alone in this story's pages 
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying 
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in 
The world's on fire and
It's more than I can handle 
I try to bring more 
More than I can handle 
Bring it to the table
Bring what I am able
I watch the heavens and I find a calling 
Something I can do to change this moment 
Stay close to me while the sky is falling 
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone 
Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts 
Visions clash, planes crash 
Still there's talk of saving souls

Still the cold is closing in on us
We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run 
The more we take, the less we become 
A fortune of one that means less for some 

(Sarah Mclachlan)

this is what i would call a shitty day by definition. Everything was fine until I got news that a dear friend of mine is facing deportation in Vienna. I don't even want to give details because I am emotionally spent, but just know that someone on the other side of the world is hurting and in trouble and I am here. Stressed about reading for all my classes tomorrow. I am sick of reading about the favelas in Brazil (Click here to read more.) I am sick of reading about bad news. I am sick of watching the world fall apart on TV. I just want to get out there and fix it. Claro que sí, I cannot "fix" it, but the world is on fire. I just want to be out there helping. DOING something. If you ask me what I want to do with my life, the answer is "I have no fucking clue." But there is one thing I do know. I will be helping people.
Here are pictures from the first time I ever met Daniel and the last time I was with him just a few months ago. I cannot imagine what he is facing, I cannot imagine being in his shoes. I am sick over this news. Physically ill.
Please keep Daniel, Moses, Mike, the amazing woman who runs the homeless and refugee shelter in Vienna and the people who depend on her and all she does in your prayers. They are especially heavy on my heart today. When I went to Vienna for the first time in 2006, I never imagined that I would leave half of my heart there. I never imagined it would ache like this for people who have truly touched my life; they pull me closer to love. And to all of those who have been touched by these people and this shelter, you're right. It's going to be OK. Somehow, someway. Right? Right. That's what I am praying. Lord, come through.
She got the call today, one out of the grey

And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away
She said she didn’t believe 'it could happen to me'
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon
Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight

Cryin' out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love
And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon, you're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon.
(Mat Kearny)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

you deserve a smile with no regret

One of the topics of an entire anthropology class last week was, "Can you live without compromises?" And immediately, my answer sprung to my mind. No. 
I've been thinking a lot recently about forgiveness. I have always considered myself "too forgiving." Being mad at someone takes hard work. It is stressful to save up all your emotions and keep them to yourself. I have also always considered myself too honest and rarely afraid to offer up my opinion. However, many of these personality characteristics I have always seen for myself have been recently questioned. I have suddenly realized myself staying silent and trying to lay low. There isn't much of an explanation for this, other than my own frustrations that I don't have an explanation. There is a Nip/Tuck quote from the last season where (I'm pretty sure it's) Christian says something along the lines of- "Where does it come from? This capacity to forgive? How do you do it?" and Sean's answer back was, "How do you not?"
How can you not forgive? Its a simple necessity. A necessity like breathing. And without compromising, forgiving and cutting other's slack, life is way more difficult than it should be.
The part of forgiveness that I am blurred on is when time gets involved.
This phrase has been on my mind. It seems like yesterday, I was holding onto you for better days. (Great Big Planes) 
I'm quite certain that line was written about a lover. But there aren't so many differences between a lover and a friend. A favorite and much quoted author of mine wrote this in a book titled Handle With Care “Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside.” 
In the same book, she later wrote, "Anger… is too fierce a flame to last for long."
And I deeply believe both of these things to be true.
Though I am still begging to miraculously wake up tomorrow morning and be at ease with uncertainty, I am also still trying to mentally sort out changes that have taken place in the past year or so and how all of that is affecting me. I guess it just hits me harder on some days than other and today is one of those days. Joshua Radin sings about this. He says, Everyone keeps saying, "nothing helps but time." Time is ALL I own. And time won't stop replaying over in my mind. I watch the hours slow down. So I crawl underneath my blanket, where I can hide away. I know I can't take it anymore. Cause I see now, it's just one of those days.
It can be easy to do the initial forgiveness phase. To listen to the apology, to talk it out. The resolution is a small slice of heaven. It is the living up to the resolutions you made which can be so difficult. When my resolution is that I have to let go, time passes and I realize I have been successful in one sense and haven't at all in another. If it still upsets me to think about a situation does that mean I didn't actually forgive?

I'm not entirely sure this post even makes much sense. As usual, there are deep roots in many thoughts, situations, and people all floating around in my head thinking about all this. I just think I needed to be reminded that forgiveness is a huge part of my life and I will never "master" the concept. But for the friends that I have with whom we are negotiating forgiveness between each other, I am deeply thankful. I know I fuck it up from time to time. I love being given the endless chances to recover. It shapes me and makes me a better person.

And I hope that with others, where forgiving seems off the table... I just want to say, I'd really like to see it up for some discussion. Because after all, It's not always rainbows and butterflies. Its compromise that moves us along. My heart is full, my door's always open. You come anytime you want. (Maroon 5) In a post already full of lyrics and quotes, what's one more? The past few months, I have had this song on repeat. I've found comfort in its words, but I have a new stipulation with the advice. Freedom is forgiveness. Hold your breath and count to nine. Hoping somebody soon with find you. Go on, the stars are watching. Just say, just say what you're feeling. You know, you know, you've got to take a bow and do it your way. It's okay. It's okay. It's time for you to prove within your ruby shoes, you deserve a smile with no regret. Now, go be free... (Erin McCarley)

Compromise moves us along. Without it, someone is certain to be left behind.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

why do people feel as if they cannot say, "i don't know"?

its not everyday that you see young people actually engaging in true intellectual conversation. its even more rare to see such thing occurring on Facebook. Hell, I started this blog as an avenue for intellectual thoughts and conversation that I never had opportunity to share as "bar appropriate" in my everyday life. however, much to my dismay, my posts about deep or troubling things that demanded feedback have generally yielded few comments. my post titled "we should be rioting in the streets" did not cause a riot, much less a simple comment. i have a journal to record emotional and personal thoughts. i have a blog to spur feedback.

so thank you to the author of this post and to the authors of the comments. i appreciate you showing that you have an opinion and that you care. and that you don't mind going the extra step of recording those thoughts and allowing random strangers (like me) to read. its refreshing. and it made my day.

So check it out.
Read on.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

control freak decides to stop thinking about taking out her figurative trash by taking out some literal trash

well... i was in such a deep reverie today that i magically appeared in serious-work-mode. i threw out three gigantic black trash bags of things i decided i didn't need. i could have thrown other things out too. then again, i have already "gone through" that room once. it's amazing how much your idea of "treasure" and of "junk" can change through the passing of time. can change, should change, and does. i still struggle with the line between what part of that uncontrolled change is normal. i love change that i can control. though what i can't control is usually the best, i just can't stand it til after!


(the futureheads)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

hello 2011

well, it's been a while, but i am back. and its Sunday, so you know what that means.

the buzz of "best of 2010" lists and pressure to make some resolutions has gone completely unnoticed to me because i've been reading, traveling and watching mad men like the three are my fulltime job. i've reached the point where answering, "oh, you're graduating in may? what are your plans?" really makes me want to punch people. a few weeks ago the question was obnoxious, now it stimulates violent thoughts. so my resolutions are to figure that out and to keep all the other resolutions that i have every year- those i stick to and those i don't succeed in at all. most importantly, LOVE. above everything else. 
keep my priorities in line.
make myself proud and those around me proud as well.
remember that it's okay to cry and to not know and to be confused.
visit a gym.
take care of those i love.
make the most of every second and live with no regrets.
read books and the news daily.
learn from myself and others.
do something extraordinary. something new. something that makes a difference.

estos son mis deseos para el año nuevo and praise God its a new year.