journey

Source: muchlove-anna.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

well, i knew what i didn't want to know
and i saw where i didn't want to go
so i took the path less traveled on
and i let my stories be whispered when I'm gone
when I'm gone
well in this life, you must find something to live for
'cause when the darkness comes a-callin' you go back to where you were before
'cause this life is as fragile as a dream
and nothing's ever really as it seems
as it seems
well i lost my innocence one day, when in i let him dive
but the way that he looked at me made me feel alive
and now i know nothing at all but the release that comes when you're in mid fall
in mid fall
in mid fall
cause in this life, you must find something to live for...
-Lily Kershaw, As It Seems

Sometimes, a song strikes me to the core no matter how many times I have heard it before. And its a clear visceral response that I can feel where my heart and mind simultaneously agree, "yes, thats it! thats exactly how we feel." I don't know if songs affect you that way, but lyrics are certainly one of my favorite languages when my own fails me. The past few weeks I have had so much on my mind, such weight on my shoulders while simultaneously traveling substantially. It's been a total roller coaster ride. At this point, these days are all about managing the highs and lows and ordering them to balance out. I have been thinking about the future of this blog and whether or not I will continue to maintain it. In September will be the blogs second anniversary. I am quite confident I will not have much time to dedicate to its postings next year while I have my nose buried in a book and selfishly, since I am unaware of who reads it if anyone, I cannot help but thinking my time will be better spent in the upcoming months dedicating time to my own journals and my travel blog (www.defineyourdestination.blogspot.com). That being said, if there is demand, there will be future posts and if there is no demand, this blog will probably be rarely updated. There is inspiration and ideas for great posts and not enough time or drive to see them through. This blog has been near and dear to my heart. It's posts contain raw thoughts and emotions with words direct heart strings and my opinion as precisely as I could have expressed it.

I hope that whatever reservations usually keep you from commenting, that if you were ever to leave a comment, it would be on this post. Otherwise, readers from wherever in the world that you are reading, it's been quite a journey. And journeys are one of my favorite things. It's certainly one hell of one I am on. And I wish you nothing but the best on yours.

With love,
Stephanie

Source: ohthelovelythings.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

Source: colorolamente.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

in awe of what's in front of me

“California, guilded crowns.

Mile markers counting down.

Somewhere down, down in the ocean of sound, we’ll live in slow motion

And be free

The door’s unlocked and opened

The door’s unlocked and opened.”

–Death Cab for Cutie, Doors Unlocked and Open

Bear with me here, because this is a loooong post. Posted first on my blog about my experience living in Spain, www.defineyourdestination.blogspot.com but equally applicable here. 

I sincerely hope you can find the time to read every word.

First: the headline—I will be attending Pepperdine University School of Law in the fall! Now, allow me to fill you in on how WE came to this decision and the revolution it took to get me there. Or, I should say, here.

Wow, what an incredible and ridiculous trip this has been and these past two weeks have indeed been particularly ridiculous. I was able to accomplish quite a bit in a short, short period of time. The first few days I distinctly felt like I had only revealed that I had more questions than I did answers and more and more I felt an increasing pressure to make some sacrifice on what I wanted for these upcoming years. I didn’t feel like I found a school that “had everything I wanted.” No, I felt like that didn’t exist. Instead, I was choosing which things I was willing to give up and which things I wasn’t going to compromise on. This was a suffocating feeling, but at least the decision was slowly approaching and becoming clearer. I ended up applying to 26 law schools and I was overwhelmed with blessings at the many, many schools that offered me a place in their 2012 incoming class of future JD students. I never expected to get into so many places and in the end, the great choices that I had increased the difficulty of my decision.

         The burning question this entire decision process has been, “Where do you want to live and practice?” And, flatly, I do not know. I simply do not know the answer to that question. Where you want to live and practice is incredibly important for where you attend law school. That city is where you establish a network, where the most alumni live, where your school will have the most connections for job placement, the state where you will be the most prepared to take the bar and not to mention, the city you are committing to live in for at least three years and most likely through your first job or two.

             I need to rewind. One of the reasons why I have always loved Death Cab For Cutie (a band) is because of Ben Gibbard’s (the lead singer and lyricist) remarkable ability to capture this idea of never quenching wanderlust. Many of their songs discuss “falling in love with an open door” and it is their “You Are A Tourist” that this blog was named after. Read its lyrics in full and then I’ll explain why it’s been so strongly on my heart throughout this entire last few months journey.

“This fire, grows higher…

When there’s a burning in your heart, an endless yearning in your heart, build it BIGGER than the sun, LET IT GROW.

When there’s a burning in your heart, don’t be alarmed…

When there’s a doubt in your mind, ‘cause you’re thinking all the time, framing rights into wrongs- MOVE ALONG.

When there’s a doubt within your mind, when there’s a burning in your heart and you think you’ll burst apart, well, there’s nothing to fear. Save the tears. When there’s a burning in your heart and you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, it’s time to go and define your destination. There’s so many different places to call home.

Cause when you find yourself a villain in the story you have written, its plain to see that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption, would you agree? If so, please show me.

This fire, grows higher…”

Those last few months in Tuscaloosa, I felt like a tourist in this city where much of who I am now was born. I knew that fire to get out of the city and dream chase and live in Europe for a year was something real that had to be pursued. My plan after studying in Spain was to enjoy my senior year, retake the LSAT, live in Europe for a year and then go to law school. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that at times that plan has seems farfetched, out of reach and absurd. But hindsight is always crystal clear, and it’s such a blessing to look back on the tears cried over missing application deadlines or the disappointment with my LSAT score and think, “woah, it all has gone exactly according to plan.” And it really has.

        My months in Spain have taught me many things and in many ways, the most significant thing I have learned has been about myself. Though the fairly recently developed Brown nomadic lifestyle is now deeply ingrained in me, my definition of home has been crystalized.

Home is not Roswell or Tuscaloosa or York or Madrid.

Home is not in Irvine or seat 17F.

Home is a strange combination of all of these places.

Home is in the people that I love that revitalize me, encourage me, bless me, make me happy, make me laugh until my stomach hurts, allow me to call them venting, hold me when I am crying, that read my emails, that listen intently to details of my day, who Facebook stalk my photo albums and who I can pick up with wherever it may be that we left off.

Home is a collection of these places because the people that I love are spread out all over the world. Literally. And so, as for where I want to live and practice law? Well, I want to be a little closer to “home.” That is, the definition of home according to Stephanie Brown. Augustana has a song where he belts, "Do you want to see it, the place where I am free? It lives INSIDE me."

The morning of April 6^th, I slept in for the first time in weeks. I woke up to Dad having read all my hours of research and all the brochures and viewbooks I had collected over the last few months. I listened intently as he was on the phone explaining to a friend that the day before after touring two schools fifteen minutes away from his apartment in Orange County, I had crossed them both off the list. He snuck in a few words of disappointment to the man that was the best man in my parents wedding saying, “I would really like her to come to school out here, but it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.” I left to lay by the pool and call a friend to explain, whether it was NYC or Miami, they were both incredible options, but they were both so far away from “home”. I was hell-bent though on not sacrificing a better education and better option for my future just because I have friends and family in California. All these thoughts about home and proximity to people that I love and need were not separate from this decision. As ratios, percentages, dollar signs, images and descriptions were all swirling around in my head like a broken radio I couldn’t turn off in my mind, behind all that were these feelings of being sick of being SO far away from everyone.

Friday afternoon, Dad and I were out running errands and we were having a discussion on “THE DECISION.” I had been leaning pretty heavily to New York Law School and imagining walking the halls of the sleek, new building and sharing with strangers on a plane that I live in Manhattan. It’s certainly a dream to live in NYC but after further research and review, University of Miami is just a better fit. Miami Law has everything I could possibly want and more. Though large and with a huge faculty to student ratio, the clinic offerings, the academic programs, the Latin population, the study abroad options, the notoriety, the connections and alumni network are all ideal. And before we knew it, Dad and I had reached a decision. Miami.

We ran into Best Buy for a few things and when we returned to the car, I had an email saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been accepted to Pepperdine University School of Law!”

I just kept repeating, “DAD!!” I had no other words.

This changed everything.

I delayed my flight to Europe for a week to fly back to LA to see Pepperdine and attend an Admitted Student’s Open House to make my final decision.

At church on Easter, this was my most exciting news to share with anyone and everyone who would listen. Each person made it clear their preference for where my tuition check should go. And who can blame them. Pepperdine has epic things to offer and being accepted feels like a dream. Feels like a life that isn’t actually mine.

After a full day of the Admitted Student’s Open House, it was even clearer than before that Pepperdine is the place for me. Several really incredible interactions took place. I spoke with students who told me they are praying for the incoming class and one girl looked me dead in the eye and said, “You’ll make the right decision and God will lead you here, because Pepperdine is a place where God leads people.” When we met the dean and she introduced herself to us, Dad said, “Well, I think she’s decided to come here!” The dean shrieked in excitement and gave me a hug. Completely thrown off, I stood there, thinking, “Wow, this is the community I am being welcomed by and I can’t wait to get back here.” It was a powerful day and I am so confident that this is the right decision.

I seem to be incapable of finding words profound enough to explain how my blood feels like it is running smoother in my veins. I am incredibly confident that Pepperdine will nurture, feed and build my dreams in a way that no other community would be capable of doing and its such an exciting thought to know the steps that lie ahead may be hard work, but are on the exact path I have been envisioning. Now, its time to go back to Madrid and enjoy my last few months before I sell my blood to the library. I’ve got a new pep in my step feeling like the doors are unlocked and open. I can’t wait for these next few months to be the best yet.

“I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.” –Empire of the Sun

Looking back on a conversation I had several weeks ago with my boss in Spain, I said, “Pray that I see the name of the school in the clouds.” I can honestly say, it really did feel like God’s answer was indeed that clear. I cannot thank you enough for the prayers, support, encouragement and awesomeness that you all have offered me along the way. I simply could not be here without you.

And you’ll have a HOME in Malibu in the fall! 

who the hell did i think i was?

I have had this blog for exactly a year now and it seems that the labels can indicate the topics I always lean toward in this unique journey I have allowed you as readers to join me on. In the last year, I have mistakenly blogged about things too personal, I have hurt feelings, I have attempted to describe my own feelings, I have questioned, made judgements, expressed confusion and been unable to express words but still made messy attempts to do so. It's been a wild ride this last year, but then again, that is what life is, just a ride. 

The last few months, I haven't been able to write nearly as much as I would have liked, but I have made notes of future posts to come. Just know that even though I am not blogging on here as often, this blog has become important to me and I do not plan on deleting it or fully neglecting it anytime soon. 

It seems I have blogged the most about love, more than anything else. The other labels most often tagged are friendships, Dave Matthews, change, college life. For today's blog post, look up a label that suites you and find what I said this past year on it. 

"stranger than your sympathy, this is my apology...

when all my fears have pushed you out.

i wished for things that i don't need. all i wanted.

what i chase won't set me free. its all i wanted.

and i get scared, but i am not crawling on my knees.

oh yeah, everything's all wrong here.

where the hell did i think i was?

stranger than your sympathy, take these things so i don't feel...

now, my head's been filled with doubt.

it's hard to lead the life you choose.

you can't see when all your dreams are coming true... 

oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah. and you choke on the regrets.

who the hell did i think i was?

stranger than your sympathy, all these thoughts you stole from me.

i'm not sure where i belong.

no where's home and i'm all wrong.

i wasn't all the things that i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted, and all the talk, and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me... 

stranger than your sympathy, stranger than your sympathy..." -Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy

A song that I've had on repeat all week. I am reading this incredible book and just trying to live up to the ambitious calls for a higher living she makes. Wow, I realize how greedy I have been with the dreams that I am chasing, realizing that some of the things I've wanted so badly are literally in my hands and I can't even be thankful for that.

You know when you have one of those days where you doubt every move you make and every decision that you've taken to get to this point? When you think, "wow, maybe I really fucked it up good this time." And then it seems like you blink, and your conscious is telling you, "It feels so good to know that I made the right decision." That voice in your head is telling you, "I listened to my heart and my mind bicker and I chose. I went for it. Good job! Sleep well tonight, Steph. Give yourself a pat on the back." this is a song for that exact moment when you hear them both, simultaneously. 

the moment when you look back on yesterday or the day before, or last week, or last year and wonder, WHO THE HELL DID I THINK I WAS?

When you say, this is my apology for making the decisions that I have in case they are wrong because I have no clue what I am doing even though I try so hard to pretend like I do. My apology that I am so far from perfect even though I want to be the best version of myself at all times, i fall so short. My apology that I have been so greedy with my blessings and dream chasing. That I'm not sure where I belong and that stranger than your sympathy is the endless reverie I am drowning in from my own mind. 

I get scared, but I am not crawling on my knees. 

If what I chase won't set me free, then why the hell is it something I am chasing?

just keep doing what you're doing

i think i am turning from someone who never cries to someone who cries easily. and im actually a little terrified of being labeled a "crier." i've just never been that girl. but, i sat down to watch The Emmy Awards last night and all of the sudden, I had teared up after listening to about five speeches during this woman's speech- shown below. The thing is, actors are real people. Even though they're celebrities to us, at one point, they had these big dreams that they never thought they could reach.

in case you didn't watch it- the best part was "i'm sorry i'm a crier. my mom and dad, who supported me forever and shouldn't-of and said just keeping doing what you're doing. i'm from plainfield, illinois and i'm standing here and it's kind of amazing."

Just think about Colin Firth saying to his dad when he was little that he wanted to be an actor.
Telling his friends that he was going to be in movies one day.
Believing that he would be in a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE FILM.
That one dream alone would have alienated friends. And surely, his support system said, "yeah, you can do it!" but I'm quite confident they probably wouldn't have bet their life saving's that he would be cast in a big film... much less be cast in A LOT of big films. Much less become a household name. Much less, be nominated for an Oscar. Be nominated for A LOT of Oscars. Oh, and then win one. For best actor.
And that's why I love watching Award shows. Maybe they're all about the glitz and glam for others, but I love watching people be honored for hard work. And I love watching them say, "hey, i chased this dream that use to seem crazy and intangible and really extreme... but now it's REAL. it's not only REAL, it's my life. it didn't turn out how i wanted. it turned out better." 
I'm thrilled for Mad Men, one of my favorite shows. But watching last night made me realize, there is a lot of good TV out there. Though I proudly stay ahead of the movies, I am behind in TV. If I think Breaking Bad and Dexter are excellent and other shows took home Emmys, I can't imagine how good those shows must be. Especially these shows I've never even heard of! I better start watching Modern Family....
maybe when Award season comes back in February, you will catch a few minutes of it.
Until then, check out The Voice or So You Think You Can Dance or Project Runway- two other inspiring shows where people with exceptionally raw talent get recognized and get a chance at actively chasing and pursuing their dreams.
It takes my breath away.
More importantly, watching these people inspires me to get up in the morning and suffer through all the little steps I have to take to get to "there."
If that doesn't inspire you to survive stressful work, maybe this will.


what? a fluffy post was LONG overdue.

wake me up when September ends

"A southern girl with a scarlet drawl. I wave goodbye to Ma and Pa 'cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view. Soft spoken with a broken jaw. Step outside, but not to brawl. Yeah, autumn's sweet. We call it 'fall.' I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl. Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic, Mr. Know It All." -Red Hot Chili Peppers, Scar Tissue

I spent a decent amount of time the other day dedicated to reading basically all I could get my bear paws on regarding varying strategies, methods, myths and everything out there on the LSAT. I don't know how many readers I have out there that are interesting in taking the LSAT, but let me just tell you a few things about it.
It's a beast. Actually, that's more or less all you really need to know.
I was reading a suggested time-line for studying and under the "one month til test date" link, I read a statement that said something along the lines of this: It's time to crack down. Get serious. Put your social life on hold. Do you think that the highest scorers were caught up on the most recent episodes of Teen Mom? Yeah, right. Put everything else on the back burner and focus exclusively on the LSAT. 
Alright. The LSAT is a gigantic percentage of my stress and my life right now. No doubt about it. That pesky little three digit number will almost solely determine where I am enrolled in law school a year from now. But, put the rest of my life on HOLD for the next 25 days and do nothing except eat, sleep and breathe the LSAT? Seriously??
What about my friends that I am leaving when I flee this country?
What about the few shows I love indulging in- Dance Moms, my new obsession?
What about reading the news, reading books?
What about working on my personal statement, recruiting recommenders, researching schools, requesting information from potential schools and gaging which schools in which countries have the programs I am interested in?
What about working on the house repairs, basic cleaning maintenance and other daily chores that demand time?
What about the fancy gym membership and training I am paying a pretty penny for?
What about running errands like a chicken with my head cut off getting ready to move to Spain?
What about journaling, blogging, Facebook-ing, Pinterest?
What about calls to friends to check in, for them to check in on me and to unwind and laugh together?
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY TO-DO LIST?!
I'm not really up for putting ALL of those things on the back burner.
I didn't realize just exactly how much I juggle, how closely I keep my schedule. And how incredibly poor I am at asking for help when I really could use some.
Yet, simultaneously for the exact sentence I just wrote, I AM ready to say "see ya" to all those other responsibilities. Because this is what I want and I'll do whatever it takes to get there. So some sacrifices have been and are going to be made. Time to get serious. Focus in. So, for the last week, I have been really LSAT-intense. I have been so LSAT-intense actually that I dreamt about it on the two days I didn't study very much because I was in the great city of Tuscaloosa.
Can you imagine if we just wore our "scars" like they do in the music video for the 90's classic, Scar Tissue? If you didn't have to read someone's status, tweet or blog in order to learn what's actually going through their mind? Thank goodness we don't, or we couldn't afford to stand in line at Kroger and say, "hey, how are you" all nonchalantly confident that the response will assuredly be, "I'm fine, thanks, how are you?" even though, you could care LESS about how that woman is. But sometimes, don't you wish you were a little better at boldly saying, "hey, help me out here." or "hey, this is what i've got going on and i need you." i'm an expert at the being needed part (see my above list) but i really suck at being NEEDY. which I am. Because I am human.
I've been wanting to include Scar Tissue in a post for several months since I read the book. I'd highly recommend it. And I'm really looking forward to listening to their new album. Whoohoo.

Ugh, and did I mention its September, my second least favorite month of the year? At least it's starting to cool down outside.I feel like I am running a sprint marathon STRAIGHT uphill. 
One thing at a time.
Breathe. LSAT. Breathe. Repeat. Got it.

regular tourist

i pledge to journal more religiously and to journal especially religiously while i am going through large life transitions. like anytime that i ever revisit my journals, i notice how much is missing and how amazing it is to reread my feelings and thoughts and how far i have come since that moment. after a three hour search party scouring my entire house, i managed to find the two small journals that hold in its pages the stories from my wonderful summer in Spain last year. it's a cool feeling to ask if I will ever see some of those people again and to wonder when I will be back in Spain. it's amazing how it's all come together so gloriously.
i have enjoyed having this blog, but nothing compares to the chronicles of my mistakes, feelings, happenings, choices, contemplations and everything in between. since i journaled for almost 2 hours tonight and finished the journal given to me by a dear friend that I started in April when days were chalk-full of uncertainty, doubt, confusion and insanity, it only seemed appropriate to have a journal-centered post.
writing is so therapeutic. if you don't believe me, you should try it. then you can tell me i am wrong. like every other woman, i love being told that i am wrong. kidding. but seriously, i'd be shocked if you tried it and you didn't agree. consider this a free therapy session where writing for 30 minutes straight is your first homework assignment.

on the front of the second journal is this quote and it will again be relevant on my upcoming extended European journey that can't seem to get here fast enough.

"This European air, it always warms my face.

I will bring you stories and bleary-eyed photos like a regular tourist. 

We don't go breaking down. 

I feel like nothing ever will.

And we'll embrace our time away."

-Athlete, Tourist