so for a personal test, i will be starting a blog series that will have titles that begin with each letter of the alphabet in succession starting with the last blog, this one being the second. the titles of my posts are important to me and demonstrate what i believe over all, to be one of the most critical themes of the entire post. we will see how this goes... but just consider yourself informed that's what i am doing.
last night, i experienced an epic breakdown. a breakdown that defines that exact word. one little thought sent me completely over the edge. it was a meltdown of seismic proportions and it felt so good to finally get it all out. to actually FEEL and cry and scream. there is a quote circulating on Pinterest, that crying does not mean you are weak. since birth, it has been a signal that you are alive. just how true that statement really is came very clear to me last night. i am typically very strong and rarely find myself in emotionally compromising situations where my vulnerability is laid out on the table. but i do breakdown.
the breakdown itself isn't at all the point. it is what you do what the breakdown.
what you do when you realize that you aren't in control at all.
what you do when you realize that all the sudden the world is spinning faster than you can grasp.
you've got to make the best of what's around. you've got to let it all out. then, pick yourself up off the floor and FIGURE IT OUT. i am beyond words thankful for those who are there for me and i firmly believe that without them, i would be dead.
you can't always have this "things are fine and dandy" mask on. and with those who complete your life, you should be able to stare them straight in the face and tell them what's eating at you, what scares you, what's going through your mind, what you're proudest of and what you are thrilled about. i'm sick of the facade. so as Missy Higgins and Brett Dennon serenade me with their Tom Petty cover, "there aint no sense in pretending. something in your eyes gives you away. we've said all there is to say. baby, breakdown. go ahead, and give it to me. breakdown, i'm standing here can't you see? breakdown. it's alright."
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
childhood trophies on my shelf
for whatever reason, i cannot stop listening to this song. its on repeat. and i'm hanging on these phrases in particular. i think Joey Ryan is wonderful so check him out. He was just at WorkPlay and I am SO sad that I missed him. Anyways, I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves and speak to you untainted.
"well, i think i'm gonna work construction. just to make something of myself.
i can't live off these childhood trophies on my shelf.
i wanna get my hands dirty. i wanna feel the burning in my legs.
i want more than a receipt for what i paid.
because everybody loves something new. cause you can open it and plug it in.
and it feels like a good night's sleep, like the girl you like paid you a complement.
they can keep the change and they can keep it coming; they can talk to who's listening, but i'm still looking for something a little more permanent.
I'm still looking for something that I can die with.
cause everything i've ever owned, got dusty and old. so i threw it out just to make myself some room.
if my luck is running out, please don't let it be so with love. it's been a long year but i'm not giving up. even if i lay 10 million bricks and they break through the summer haze, someone will come around and bull doze 'em down someday."
-Joey Ryan, Permanent
"well, i think i'm gonna work construction. just to make something of myself.
i can't live off these childhood trophies on my shelf.
i wanna get my hands dirty. i wanna feel the burning in my legs.
i want more than a receipt for what i paid.
because everybody loves something new. cause you can open it and plug it in.
and it feels like a good night's sleep, like the girl you like paid you a complement.
they can keep the change and they can keep it coming; they can talk to who's listening, but i'm still looking for something a little more permanent.
I'm still looking for something that I can die with.
cause everything i've ever owned, got dusty and old. so i threw it out just to make myself some room.
if my luck is running out, please don't let it be so with love. it's been a long year but i'm not giving up. even if i lay 10 million bricks and they break through the summer haze, someone will come around and bull doze 'em down someday."
-Joey Ryan, Permanent
Monday, May 9, 2011
when we're wounded together
i have been silent on Facebook, Twitter, this blog, my personal journal. i am in repair amidst a beautiful mess. i am in recovery mode. too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. i'm not together, but i am getting there.
thankfully, all the stuff that i think i need was avoided by the mouth of the tornado. i feel too lucky and too blessed to complain about how the last weeks of my senior year evaporated while i sat in the basement thinking about what a waste of my time this tornado warning was. i walked up the stairs still ignorant and ten minutes later, i was wondering if my friends on fifteenth street were alive. i didn't know tornados actually picked up houses and killed people like in the fucking Wizard of Oz. but, this indeed does happen and it has across the south. the destruction and damage goes beyond the ruined houses, buildings, families, injured, deaths and seeps into emotions that cannot be described.
these past few days though, i have witnessed broken people helping in unimaginable ways. i have seen a community so tightly bound together determined to rebuild stronger. needs have not only been met, but have been exceeded. the donation locations are over-flooded with clothing. i've been amazed. its a beautiful mess. in the oddest way, there is much more than pain and hurt when you drive through the hardest hit areas. there is resilience as expressed by the mayor. there is beauty. strength. i walked around in awe, submerged in (the) contradictions.
to those who helped volunteer, who donated their "precious stuff," their time and their money, to those who were affected, who prayed, who offered kind words to ease hurt, you have done more than you know. the seeds that you have planted make a larger difference than you will ever know. i have been amazed by you. i have watched and been encouraged to join in your courage and faith. your efforts go against the selfish norm. like picking up trash in dresses.
driving home from Tuscaloosa after taking every ounce of evidence that i ever once lived in that little apartment, i stumbled upon this older song and played it on repeat for almost an hour. i can't help but thinking that Tuscaloosa and those who love the town are a beautiful mess.
it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write, turn themselves into knives. the happy graduation wishes are received with salt, bitterness, while images of the storm fill my mind. it was never suppose to be like this.
it's okay to be strong but needy. humble but greedy. because i know that (my) mind is rather reckless. well, i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. hey, what a beautiful mess this is... and I have to believe that in this madness, there's no shame in being crazy.
i love what he sings triumphantly at the end. shit happens. times change. hearts break. but it's no big deal. it's nothing we can't handle when we are wounded together. and isn't that exactly what we are? wounded but TOGETHER?
so as i feel the burden of describing how bad it is, i can find comfort in my friends and foundation who is all experiencing exactly what i am. because here we are. two days after what was suppose to be our graduation after a week completely different than what we had ever envisioned. and from here, we WILL heal. together.
through TIMELESS words and PRICELESS pictures, we'll FLY like birds out of this Earth.
and times, they turn. and hearts disfigure.
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
here we are. we're still here. we are waiting closure. and we will get it. we will get praise for our efforts and our hard work and our impressive accomplishments because we deserve it. and we will continue to love, pray, support in all ways possible for as long as needed and even after. this spirit must carry through for months to come as we save ourselves and start again. and when we do get that closure and when we start healing, we will confidently say, the wait was so worth it.
thanks for reading this novel of a post and i hope it provided you with some comfort. i am still fighting urges to lament about how unfair all of this is from every single angle. i still have not cried. but i have to believe that we will understand why this happened in the end and that it's all going to work out more beautifully than we could have constructed on our own.
John Mayer says in the video link posted above, "the lyric idea for In Repair came from this kind of knowledge about the way people are. that we're always either on the way down or on the way up and you never really enjoy the moment when it's all put together 'cause it probably never really is. those moments where things come apart is only setting you up for that moment when you put it back together again. and you're so surprised that it's coming back together again. so there's this beauty of the idea of being in repair."
thankfully, all the stuff that i think i need was avoided by the mouth of the tornado. i feel too lucky and too blessed to complain about how the last weeks of my senior year evaporated while i sat in the basement thinking about what a waste of my time this tornado warning was. i walked up the stairs still ignorant and ten minutes later, i was wondering if my friends on fifteenth street were alive. i didn't know tornados actually picked up houses and killed people like in the fucking Wizard of Oz. but, this indeed does happen and it has across the south. the destruction and damage goes beyond the ruined houses, buildings, families, injured, deaths and seeps into emotions that cannot be described.
these past few days though, i have witnessed broken people helping in unimaginable ways. i have seen a community so tightly bound together determined to rebuild stronger. needs have not only been met, but have been exceeded. the donation locations are over-flooded with clothing. i've been amazed. its a beautiful mess. in the oddest way, there is much more than pain and hurt when you drive through the hardest hit areas. there is resilience as expressed by the mayor. there is beauty. strength. i walked around in awe, submerged in (the) contradictions.
to those who helped volunteer, who donated their "precious stuff," their time and their money, to those who were affected, who prayed, who offered kind words to ease hurt, you have done more than you know. the seeds that you have planted make a larger difference than you will ever know. i have been amazed by you. i have watched and been encouraged to join in your courage and faith. your efforts go against the selfish norm. like picking up trash in dresses.
driving home from Tuscaloosa after taking every ounce of evidence that i ever once lived in that little apartment, i stumbled upon this older song and played it on repeat for almost an hour. i can't help but thinking that Tuscaloosa and those who love the town are a beautiful mess.
it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write, turn themselves into knives. the happy graduation wishes are received with salt, bitterness, while images of the storm fill my mind. it was never suppose to be like this.
it's okay to be strong but needy. humble but greedy. because i know that (my) mind is rather reckless. well, i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. hey, what a beautiful mess this is... and I have to believe that in this madness, there's no shame in being crazy.
i love what he sings triumphantly at the end. shit happens. times change. hearts break. but it's no big deal. it's nothing we can't handle when we are wounded together. and isn't that exactly what we are? wounded but TOGETHER?
so as i feel the burden of describing how bad it is, i can find comfort in my friends and foundation who is all experiencing exactly what i am. because here we are. two days after what was suppose to be our graduation after a week completely different than what we had ever envisioned. and from here, we WILL heal. together.
through TIMELESS words and PRICELESS pictures, we'll FLY like birds out of this Earth.
and times, they turn. and hearts disfigure.
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
here we are. we're still here. we are waiting closure. and we will get it. we will get praise for our efforts and our hard work and our impressive accomplishments because we deserve it. and we will continue to love, pray, support in all ways possible for as long as needed and even after. this spirit must carry through for months to come as we save ourselves and start again. and when we do get that closure and when we start healing, we will confidently say, the wait was so worth it.
thanks for reading this novel of a post and i hope it provided you with some comfort. i am still fighting urges to lament about how unfair all of this is from every single angle. i still have not cried. but i have to believe that we will understand why this happened in the end and that it's all going to work out more beautifully than we could have constructed on our own.
John Mayer says in the video link posted above, "the lyric idea for In Repair came from this kind of knowledge about the way people are. that we're always either on the way down or on the way up and you never really enjoy the moment when it's all put together 'cause it probably never really is. those moments where things come apart is only setting you up for that moment when you put it back together again. and you're so surprised that it's coming back together again. so there's this beauty of the idea of being in repair."
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