Sunday, February 27, 2011

it's a two-post kind of day

A bird flies out and over the rooftops
down past the cars in my line of view.
It's a strange beginning, comic and awkward grace.
In a picture, on the table
I'm in a red dress waiting for a reason
holding a tightly packed suitcase.
Maybe I'm too jaded to love somebody like you.
Maybe I want to love my dream that'll never come true.
Someone who is real, oh, gets in the way
and moves inside my heart, not just my head
interfering with how I want to feel.
How do I want to feel, I wonder?
You could be water to me, I could be wine.
The stars have all faded here
they give us no sign.
Is this the right time?
-The Weepies

5 hours, 23 minutes, 56 seconds

My predictions for who will win and who should/who I want to win. There are differences here.
Best Actor- Colin Firth hands down, most amazing male lead actor role of the year. Absolutely amazing performance. James Franco would be my second choice. I really enjoyed 127 Hours and he is just plain beautiful. It would be nice to see a young actor win, but Colin Firth will most certainly be taking this one home and it's well deserved.
Best Actress- Natalie Portman is my prediction of the winner. I think she did a great job and I won't be disappointed if she wins. However, I thought the dance scenes were cheated due to her lack of rich dance experience. I'd love to see Nicole Kidman win just because I really, really, really loved her in Rabbit Hole (see my previous post).
Supporting Actress- Melissa Leo, no contest. She was simply incredible in The Fighter and deserves this by a landslide. Hailee Steinfield would be my back-up choice for a fifteen year old whose first film got her an Oscar nomination. I was disappointed to see Julianne Moore overlooked this year, I loved her in The Kids Are All Right and thought she was deserving of a nomination for either supporting or best. Too bad. I was also disappointed to see Mila Kunis without a nomination. Goodbye Jackie, hello hot, vivacious, talented ballerina.
Supporting Actor- Christian Bale. Another category where The Fighter blows all other competition out of the water. Second to Bale would be Geoffery Rush in The King's Speech or John Hawkes in Winter's Bone. Bale really impressed me and made The Fighter what it was.
Best Direction- David Fincher but close second preference would be Darron Aronofsky for Black Swan. My gut tells me this will be one of two categories that The Social Network has in the bag.
Cinematography- I'd kill to see Inception take this one home, but most likely we will see King's Speech or Black Swan.
Adapted Screenplay- Social Network
Original Screenplay- King's Speech
Best Picture- The King's Speech. This is what I want to win and what I think will win. I wouldn't be too surprised to see Black Swan win. But, if I had to say my favorite movie on the list, not going to lie, I think it was The Kids Are All Right.
I was disappointed in Winter's Bone and Blue Valentine.
True Grit was really fantastic. It will be sad to see it get overlooked, but other movies just overshadowed the Coen brothers this year.
All the other categories, I will predict but since I haven't seen all the nominees, I can't form a really solid opinion.
Animated- Toy Story 3 (of course)
Art Direction- King's Speech
Costume Design- The Tempest
Documentary- Inside Job
Film Editing- Fighter
Foreign Language- Biutful
Original Score- Social Network
Original Song- Toy Story

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Does it ever go away? No... it changes though.

it is rare to see grief accurately described. Rabbit Hole was excellent. Simply, beautifully done. Highly recommend.
To my human mind, it seems like some tramatic event such as losing a son, a mother, or a friend should on some level resemble riding a bike. I learned how to ride a bike because someone taught me how. He learned how because someone taught him. And once he had mastered it, many years later, Andres was at the right place at the right time and when I was ready to learn how to ride a bike, he taught me. He knew how, he had fallen and struggled with it at first I'm sure, but then, he knew how and could teach me. This is how I felt about loss for a long time. When Mom had cancer, I kept thinking, "If I could just talk to some other 18 year old out there who's mother has cancer." Or, "If there was just someone else who could relate to me" we could talk and I could experience some form of resolve.
Three years later, I remember sitting in a room in Cozumel with fifteen high school students who had just lost a dear friend to a car accident. One girl looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Didn't you have a best friend die? Can't you give me some advice?" And the answer for so long involved this bitterness of platitudes that just meant, 'no' without actually completely giving disappointment. But the answer is more like what she says to Nicole Kidman. The answer is not some teachable formula, as frustrating as that is. It never goes away. It is never "okay" like people use to tell me it would be but it does become bearable. A stranger told me less than a month after, that if I stopped waking up thinking those feelings would just be gone, then I would wake up someday and realized I had learned to manage. It simply, becomes your life. The loss becomes you...which is fine, actually. 
“Life isn’t defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you’ve lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next.” –Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

... the depth of the feeling [grief, loss] continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it, like a nicotine craving, I would discover that it hadn’t washed me away. after a while it was like an inside shower, washing off some of the rust and calcification in my pipes. it was like giving a dry garden a good watering. don't get me wrong: grief sucks; it really does. unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit...a fixation can keep you nicely defined and give you the illusion that your life has not fallen apart. but since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever, and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion. you begin to cry and write and yell and then to keep on crying; and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination. -Anne Lamott

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

the love you got is surely all the love i would ever need

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
 –Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, Maxim 76

Sunday, February 13, 2011

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 
Please, take my hand. 
Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's so simple and you know it is.
Just say yes.
Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 
For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.
-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I should know who I am by now.

i just love that. mistakes need not be fatal. 
mistakes need not be fatal.
hm... sounds like something I've mentioned before...
the next few weeks, i will dedicate to reminding myself of these things.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.

expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson

Thursday, February 3, 2011

rediscovery is a beautiful thing

Come out, no use in hiding.
Not room for both, just room for me. 
So you will lay your arms down. 
Yes I will call this home. 
Away, away 
You have been banished 
Your land is gone 
And given me 
What's this you say ?
You feel the right to remain? 
Then stay and I will bury you.
Here's the hitch 
Your horse is leaving 
Don't miss your boat 
It's leaving now 
And as you go I will spread my wings 
Yes I will call this home 
I have no time to justify to you 
Fool you're blind, move aside for me 
All I can say to you my new neighbor 
Is you must move on or I will bury you 
Now as I rest my feet by this fire 
Those hands once warmed here 
I have retired them 
I can breathe my own air 
I can sleep more soundly 
Upon these poor souls 
I'll build heaven and call it home 
'Cause you're all dead now 
I live with my justice 
I live with my greedy need 
I live with no mercy 
I live with my frenzied feeding 
I live with my hatred 
I live with my jealousy 
I live with the notion 
That I don't need anyone but me 
Don't drink the water 
There's blood in the water

things i LOVE: when you hear a song for the first time even though you've heard it a million times before. this happened with Don't Drink The Water at some point two weeks ago or so and I've just now had time to blog about it. It's words are still applicable and there are few things I love more than being lulled by Dave right before trying to fall asleep. This song in particular has always had a certain darkness to it, but the words finally fell into place. I'm obsessed. And this version in particular is exceptional. In light of the blog's facelift, I just really felt I had to post today. I had several scenes of TV shows or movies in mind, but youtube came up short on everything and I was frustrated. What's the deal with that? Is youtube shutting down a lot of videos? Well, they are deleting all the good ones. WTF. So I dug up this draft.