Sunday, May 29, 2011

the drifter and the gypsy

I can't wait to quench my wanderlust thirst and breathe European air in just a matter of hours. to hear the buzz of languages you don't speak behind you, to people watch, to walk by rows of duty free items, to panic that Delta lost your luggage AGAIN, to use the weird blanket that barely counts of a blanket at all, to walk all over til your feet are about to fall off, to being lost, to learning, to questioning, to reading, to eating like a queen and drinking like i weigh 250 pounds, to meeting people that have the potential to change my life. i am so ready for ALL of it.

The train is almost here
This decision seems so clear
I can feel the habit cutting like a knife
In the end I know that it is gonna drive right into me

Cause I’m a drifter and I know that doesn’t do me any good
Moving on from place to place, never staying where I should

I left him just to leave
No I left him cause he needed me...

Cause I’m a gypsy and I know that doesn’t do me any good
Moving on from place to place, stealing hearts just cause I could

-The Drifter and the Gypsy, Rosi Golan

So maybe I am a drifter and a gypsy. But I am ME. (Woah, Ashlee Simpson just got a shout out by accident. oops.) Traveling, exploring is exactly what I want to do. I love running. I am running for the thrill of it. but you know what? i am also dream chasing. in order to chase your dreams you have to start somewhere. you have to take a step. I get to run away from some big bull shit that's been going on here AND take a leap of faith that could turn out to cut down on the ambiguity of the next few years. Both. Running AWAY and running TO. Oh hey, what i am about to be doing, walking on a dream. and I'm just in awe of what's in front of me. how could you not be?

Walking on a dream
How can I explain?
Talking to myself
Will I see again?
We are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it
Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it
On and on and on we are calling out and out again
Never looking down 
I'm just in awe of what's in front of me
Living in a rhythm where the minutes working overtime
Don't stop just keep going on...

-Walking on a Dream, Empire of the Sun

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

how it all fits together. your love, i mean, AND your life.

“Let me tell you a little something about love. It’s different every time. It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction, an arrow over an equation, but the elements change. The most fragile kind of love is that between a man and a woman. Chemistry, again; if you introduce a new element, you never know how stable the original bond is. You may wind up with a new union, with something left behind. I believe you can fall in love many times with many different people. However I don’t think that you can fall in love the same way twice. One type of relationship may be steady. Another can be fire and brimstone. Who is to say if one of these is better than the other? The deciding factor is how it all fits together. Your love, I mean, and your life.” –Jodi Picoult, Songs of The Humpback Wale (Joley)

This is something I've been thinking about recently. Combining talents and passions in a way that glorifies the One who gave them to you. Combining your talents and passions in a way that brings happiness but that doesn't involve waiting around until something better comes around. I don't have anything figured out really. I believe that that's okay. I think I will always be growing and learning. But I think that what I am passionate about, what I love has been revealed to me and now it's my job to figure out whatever path I end up on, I am putting the pieces together in a way that fits my love into my life. Because after all, what more is there? (yes, that was a Dave reference to Pig) I'm not talking about a romantic love. I'm not really in love like that right now, per se. I haven't been in love in a long time. But I love a lot of things. I love a lot of people. Sometimes I shouldn't love the things that I do (ie Vodka/Sprite) and sometimes I shouldn't love the people that I do. Yet, at the end of the day, I depend on people doing the same for me. I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. One more piece of inspiration: what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. - pedro arrupe
This is what I want you to think about. Please share. What do you love? Who do you love? And how are you combining the two? Do one thing every day to ensure that love is driving your life in order to ensure that it's one worth living. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

no, bitch, i would NOT like a children's menu.

one of my biggest pet peeves is being assumed that I am not 22. alright. maybe i don't look like I am 22. maybe i look a few years younger. i understand needing to show my id when i am buying a drink or buying alcohol at the grocery store. maybe i don't look like a college graduate. maybe i don't even look like a college student. BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I AM 12. so the next person that assumes something about my age is going to get a huge piece of my mind.
there is a quote that says something along the lines of you're only as old as you feel. what if your age wasn't determined by the number of years that youve been alive but instead in the moments that you've lived. how you lived. what you've lived through. all i'm saying is that if that were true, no one would assume i'm 22. people would assume i was 40. i think age should be more transient. aren't there times when we all act like high school girls gossiping or get college drunk or put off doing chores around the house like a child. personally, there are days when i really just need to throw a huge tantrum like a toddler. there are other days when i buy groceries and clean the house and tend to other tasks like a house wife. don't we all act every age in order to function? i don't know i just think that a life should be measured in more than age but in maturity, experience and love. Measure your life in seasons of love. 

people always tell me, "well looking young will be a great thing when you're older!" and this brings me no comfort at all. it brings a mental image of me in line at Publix with my first born getting stares from the woman in front of me thinking, "poor girl is 16 and already has a child." no, that's not going to be "a great thing."
to the idiot at Pappadeaux who asked the people I was with for lunch if I would like a children's menu, this is what i have to say to you: "no, bitch, i would not like a children's menu. actually, i just graduated. from COLLEGE. did you do that? oh, would you like a diploma? too bad." Okay, just kidding I won't do that. Just know that I believe that life should be measured in seasons of life. Your age doesn't actually mean anything.

"in daylights, in midnights. in cups of coffee. in inches, in miles. in laughter, in strife. how do you measure a year in the life? how about LOVE? measure in love. Seasons of love. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure your life in love." -RENT

Saturday, May 14, 2011

simple as it should be.

"You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life.
And that's ALL there is to it."
-Water for Elephants

It was an excellent movie; highly, highly recommended.
That's what I want: a beautiful life and a beautiful man like James Franco to join. To hold my hand and travel with me all over the world. Who supports my dreams but keeps me grounded. Who believes in me. Who prays with me. Who makes me laugh. Who holds me when I am crying. Who completes me in all the ways I fail and who loves me for exactly who I am AND for who I am not.
And one of these days, that's just what I am going to have.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

will a feather in my hair turn me into a cool hippie?

i won't run when the sky turns to flame.
and i sure won't budge when the earth does shake.
when the flood comes up, I WILL DANCE IN THE RAIN.
'cause it's all the same to me.
somebody care, somebody care for me.
where you go? well it's all the same to me.
somebody do, somebody do you wrong?
don't let em kill your song.
so i keep on shuffling on and on cause it's all the same to me.
don't you, don't you know that it's all the same to me?
-Anya Marina, It's All The Same To Me

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

time for something fluffy

i love pottery barn and organization. i love throwing things away. i love giving things away that someone else should have. most of all, i love having time to do this, FINALLY.
it makes me oh so happy when everything is in it's appropriate place. 
in rooms and in life.
office with an entire wall as a whiteboard? yes please. continuing across the opposite wall a huge table for arts and crafts. with this closet:
and one of these days, maybe my closet will be big enough to have a chair and a chandelier.
and then, the oh so wise Mr. Einstein has something to add:

Monday, May 9, 2011

when we're wounded together

i have been silent on Facebook, Twitter, this blog, my personal journal. i am in repair amidst a beautiful mess. i am in recovery mode. too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. i'm not together, but i am getting there.
   thankfully, all the stuff that i think i need was avoided by the mouth of the tornado. i feel too lucky and too blessed to complain about how the last weeks of my senior year evaporated while i sat in the basement thinking about what a waste of my time this tornado warning was. i walked up the stairs still ignorant and ten minutes later, i was wondering if my friends on fifteenth street were alive. i didn't know tornados actually picked up houses and killed people like in the fucking Wizard of Oz. but, this indeed does happen and it has across the south. the destruction and damage goes beyond the ruined houses, buildings, families, injured, deaths and seeps into emotions that cannot be described.
     these past few days though, i have witnessed broken people helping in unimaginable ways. i have seen a community so tightly bound together determined to rebuild stronger. needs have not only been met, but have been exceeded. the donation locations are over-flooded with clothing. i've been amazed. its a beautiful mess. in the oddest way, there is much more than pain and hurt when you drive through the hardest hit areas. there is resilience as expressed by the mayor. there is beauty. strength. i walked around in awe, submerged in (the) contradictions.
to those who helped volunteer, who donated their "precious stuff," their time and their money, to those who were affected, who prayed, who offered kind words to ease hurt, you have done more than you know. the seeds that you have planted make a larger difference than you will ever know. i have been amazed by you. i have watched and been encouraged to join in your courage and faith. your efforts go against the selfish norm. like picking up trash in dresses.
     driving home from Tuscaloosa after taking every ounce of evidence that i ever once lived in that little apartment, i stumbled upon this older song and played it on repeat for almost an hour. i can't help but thinking that Tuscaloosa and those who love the town are a beautiful mess.
it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write, turn themselves into knives. the happy graduation wishes are received with salt, bitterness, while images of the storm fill my mind. it was never suppose to be like this.
   it's okay to be strong but needy. humble but greedy. because i know that (my) mind is rather reckless. well, i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. hey, what a beautiful mess this is... and I have to believe that in this madness, there's no shame in being crazy. 
i love what he sings triumphantly at the end. shit happens. times change. hearts break. but it's no big deal. it's nothing we can't handle when we are wounded together. and isn't that exactly what we are? wounded but TOGETHER?
so as i feel the burden of describing how bad it is, i can find comfort in my friends and foundation who is all experiencing exactly what i am. because here we are. two days after what was suppose to be our graduation after a week completely different than what we had ever envisioned. and from here, we WILL heal. together.

through TIMELESS words and PRICELESS pictures, we'll FLY like birds out of this Earth.
and times, they turn. and hearts disfigure.
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.

here we are. we're still here. we are waiting closure. and we will get it. we will get praise for our efforts and our hard work and our impressive accomplishments because we deserve it. and we will continue to love, pray, support in all ways possible for as long as needed and even after. this spirit must carry through for months to come as we save ourselves and start again. and when we do get that closure and when we start healing, we will confidently say, the wait was so worth it.
thanks for reading this novel of a post and i hope it provided you with some comfort. i am still fighting urges to lament about how unfair all of this is from every single angle. i still have not cried. but i have to believe that we will understand why this happened in the end and that it's all going to work out more beautifully than we could have constructed on our own.
John Mayer says in the video link posted above, "the lyric idea for In Repair came from this kind of knowledge about the way people are. that we're always either on the way down or on the way up and you never really enjoy the moment when it's all put together 'cause it probably never really is. those moments where things come apart is only setting you up for that moment when you put it back together again. and you're so surprised that it's coming back together again. so there's this beauty of the idea of being in repair."