young heart and i never wanna get old

personally, i don't blame Ponce de Leon for spending most of his life dedicated to finding the fountain of youth. I'm not quite sure what would happen if anyone ever did discover such a thing, though with medical technology and all our advances in research in the past several generations, we've certainly created ways to prolong life. Like the Pirates in the latest movie, I would certainly make some sacrifices to go in search of a way to find that fountain. Especially if I knew for a fact it existed. The thing is, I don't want to get old. I don't really want to go back in time either (remember?) but I'm just not so sure i'm ready for all the responsibility that I've got headed my way associated with growing old. Budgeting, paying all my own bills, worrying about insurance, the inability to do everyday things without experiencing some pain from arthritis or some additional ailment.... i don't want wrinkles or gray hair. i don't want diabetes or a heart attack at age 45. i don't want to really have to watch what i eat. ugh, the thought of my arms getting flabby makes me cringe. ooh and after a baby? forget it.
and we think we should be allowed to sit around and complain now. ha!
i was just talking the other day with a friend about how we always took for granted the ease of college. the days wasted doing absolutely nothing. now, if i have a day like that, i feel guilty because i recklessly abandoned so much responsibility.
the dermatologist asked me last week what am i doing right now to prevent wrinkles? uh, a healthy diet of white wine, organic food, occasional chic-fil-a and multiple double vodka sprites? i wash my face at night and in the shower? uh.... thankfully, there are anti-aging serum commercials, drugs you should immediately talk to your doctor about commercials every few minutes and a plethora of advertisements on the radio about laser-hair removal, plastic surgery and all that.
i'll take the wisdom that comes with age minus all of its bullshit.
do you think if i sit here long enough staring at Pinterest, I will miraculously be motivated to do anything?
maybe i'll go back to mindlessly watching tv and ignoring everything i should be doing until motivation literally hits me in the face. chances of that happening?
ugh, i know 0.
damn.
i just need some soul-resurecting on this monday afternoon. hopefully the gym, starbucks combination i have planned will do the trick.

"help me to forget about the lions chasing me.
if a man among us has the notion that he's free, i entreat you to the challenge, stand on up and let's see you get old.
the hardest part has always been to resurrect my soul.
you try and you try, but you can't try enough.
but you keep fighting, you keep on fighting me. you keep on fighting.
don't you know, you already won?
its summer in the city, we were hanging on the lawn, talking all the time about where the time had gone.
its not the way i thought it'd be, it's not what i was told.
i got a young heart and i don't want to get old.
old, old, i NEVER wanna get old. so i'm never gonna get old."
-Stephen Kellogg and The Sixers, Shady Esperanto and the Young Hearts

umbrellas rendered useless when it actually rains

"she may be young, but she only likes old things.
she loves the natural light, captured in black and white.
she sees mirages and mountain ranges, within a blink of her eyes it changes back to the open plains.
                                                                     oh no, she can't explain.
i cry out love, 'keep your arms around me. 
                                 i am a bird that's in need of grounding.
                                                        i'm built to fly away, never learn how to stay.'
the night is gonna fall and the vultures will surround you.
when you're looking in the mirror, what you see is gonna to astound you.
but all these lines and grays refine, they are the maps of our design of what began on a Monday morning.
and all the glow of you from inside the room, is burning on inside of you."
-Death Cab for Cutie, Monday Morning

keep breathing, just keep swimming

"please hand me the bottle, i think i'm lonely now. please give me direction. i think i just caved in. i dont feel nothing..." -Matchbox 20, Kody

While you read, watch and listen to Ingrid Michaleson perform the words in italics live and let her convince you that literally just breathing is okay.

the intersection of the moment when you realize how incredibly exhausted you are from the schedule you've managed to maintain for yourself that you know you just need to sleep for days and remind yourself to inhale and exhale and the moment when your mind won't stop racing with a to-do list so lengthy that it adds to the overwhelming exhaustion filling your body. at this intersection, you can do nothing except continue to swim in circles with your thoughts as you physically can do nothing except THINK about all the things you SHOULD be doing but you're not. well, that's where i am at.
this time the intersection happens to be at the bottom of an incredible high of amazingness. now that's over and it's back to this and time to kick my ass in gear. this is the ultimate realization- sitting in my empty house staring at my to-do list that the last phase is OVER and it's time to prepare for the new phase.
the storm is coming, but i don't mind. 
all that i know is that i am breathing. all i can do is keep breathing. 
all we can do is keep breathing now. 
so i'm going to pour myself a glass of wine.
anticipate my wake up call at 9:15 in the morning and tackle that to do list tomorrow.
i want to change the world, instead i sleep.