how it all fits together. your love, i mean, AND your life.

“Let me tell you a little something about love. It’s different every time. It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction, an arrow over an equation, but the elements change. The most fragile kind of love is that between a man and a woman. Chemistry, again; if you introduce a new element, you never know how stable the original bond is. You may wind up with a new union, with something left behind. I believe you can fall in love many times with many different people. However I don’t think that you can fall in love the same way twice. One type of relationship may be steady. Another can be fire and brimstone. Who is to say if one of these is better than the other? The deciding factor is how it all fits together. Your love, I mean, and your life.” –Jodi Picoult, Songs of The Humpback Wale (Joley)

This is something I've been thinking about recently. Combining talents and passions in a way that glorifies the One who gave them to you. Combining your talents and passions in a way that brings happiness but that doesn't involve waiting around until something better comes around. I don't have anything figured out really. I believe that that's okay. I think I will always be growing and learning. But I think that what I am passionate about, what I love has been revealed to me and now it's my job to figure out whatever path I end up on, I am putting the pieces together in a way that fits my love into my life. Because after all, what more is there? (yes, that was a Dave reference to Pig) I'm not talking about a romantic love. I'm not really in love like that right now, per se. I haven't been in love in a long time. But I love a lot of things. I love a lot of people. Sometimes I shouldn't love the things that I do (ie Vodka/Sprite) and sometimes I shouldn't love the people that I do. Yet, at the end of the day, I depend on people doing the same for me. I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. One more piece of inspiration: what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. - pedro arrupe

This is what I want you to think about. Please share. What do you love? Who do you love? And how are you combining the two? Do one thing every day to ensure that love is driving your life in order to ensure that it's one worth living. 

no, bitch, i would NOT like a children's menu.

one of my biggest pet peeves is being assumed that I am not 22. alright. maybe i don't look like I am 22. maybe i look a few years younger. i understand needing to show my id when i am buying a drink or buying alcohol at the grocery store. maybe i don't look like a college graduate. maybe i don't even look like a college student. BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I AM 12. so the next person that assumes something about my age is going to get a huge piece of my mind.
there is a quote that says something along the lines of you're only as old as you feel. what if your age wasn't determined by the number of years that youve been alive but instead in the moments that you've lived. how you lived. what you've lived through. all i'm saying is that if that were true, no one would assume i'm 22. people would assume i was 40. i think age should be more transient. aren't there times when we all act like high school girls gossiping or get college drunk or put off doing chores around the house like a child. personally, there are days when i really just need to throw a huge tantrum like a toddler. there are other days when i buy groceries and clean the house and tend to other tasks like a house wife. don't we all act every age in order to function? i don't know i just think that a life should be measured in more than age but in maturity, experience and love. Measure your life in seasons of love. 

people always tell me, "well looking young will be a great thing when you're older!" and this brings me no comfort at all. it brings a mental image of me in line at Publix with my first born getting stares from the woman in front of me thinking, "poor girl is 16 and already has a child." no, that's not going to be "a great thing."
to the idiot at Pappadeaux who asked the people I was with for lunch if I would like a children's menu, this is what i have to say to you: "no, bitch, i would not like a children's menu. actually, i just graduated. from COLLEGE. did you do that? oh, would you like a diploma? too bad." Okay, just kidding I won't do that. Just know that I believe that life should be measured in seasons of life. Your age doesn't actually mean anything.

"in daylights, in midnights. in cups of coffee. in inches, in miles. in laughter, in strife. how do you measure a year in the life? how about LOVE? measure in love. Seasons of love. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure your life in love." -RENT

I should know who I am by now.

Joshua Radin, Winter

i just love that. mistakes need not be fatal. 

mistakes need not be fatal.

hm... sounds like something I've mentioned before...

the next few weeks, i will dedicate to reminding myself of these things.

what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.

expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson

thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you CLARITY

As I was driving to a friend's family's house for thanksgiving, I was thinking, "What am I really thankful for?" Well, of course I am thankful for many things. Good health, my wonderful father, my amazing friends who keep me breathing, and for all of the hundreds of ways that I am so incredibly blessed. But as these words were sung over my speakers in my car, I had a large realization. 

I am most thankful for this journey.

And if I have to, I'll listen to these songs and read and re-read these quotes every day until I actually believe their words. It's my hope that my readers in similar uncertainty, help me thrive in this "delicious ambiguity" and find encouragement in the words of others who have been right here with us, plenty of times. 

I don't have it figured out, but that's perfectly fine.

Darling, nothing ever goes exactly how you planned it

I guess I've been here long enough to see

That time can be your dearest friend

Or time can be a bandit

When tomorrow changes into history

And oh my my, honey everybody dies

But you got, you got to see

That you can live your life walking in a straight line

But it's more than just A to B

Maybe it'll find you lying peaceful under blankets

Or bleeding at the bottom of the stairs

Oh but it's not when or how you go

It's life and what you make it

It's the traveling, not the road that gets you there.

(Matt Hires, A to B)

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…” –gilda radner

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride…

happiness  is a JOURNEY, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. -Souza 

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. -rilke 

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, 

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm free but I'm focused,

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing,

I'm brave but I'm chicken shit,

I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

but everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine.

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a peace sign

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah

Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine.

(Alanis Morissette, Hand In My Pocket)

well, i hardly know sir. i've changed so many times since this morning.

female. daughter. American. Georgian. Southerner. young. white. UA student. Alabama fan. Beavers fan. photographer. scrapbooker. lover. fighter. sinner. saint. bitch. night owl. sorority sister. pledge sister. Church of Christ kid. friend. roommate. Kappa Alpha Theta. motherless. only child. music lover. Dave Matthews fanatic. traveler. planner. hunter. list-maker. organizer. leader. director. actress. choreographer. stage manager. surfer. pianist. dancer. learner. dog owner. Texan. fisherman. hunter. New College student. hard worker. artist. terrible driver. drinker. writer. private school student. girlfriend. ex girlfriend. enemy. Burt Show listener. liberal. consumer. runner. Daddy's girl. prochoice. Vice President Development. Steward. research assistant. volunteer. missionary. procrastinator. wine enthusiast. Facebooker. experimenter. intern. Greek. encourager. advisor. advisee. choeffer. teacher. motivator. non-athlete. movie-goer. swimmer. judicial board representative. believer. doubter. judge. advocator. Spanish speaker. thinker. over-analyzer. negotiator. journalist. secretary. scribe. helper. achiever. DREAMER. cousin. step grand daughter. grand daughter. niece. realist. pro bull shitter. tenent. Christian. law student? lawyer? wife? ex wife? mother? grand mother?business owner? homeowner? boss? EU citizen? Hertz preferred customer? "Million Miler"?
"whooOO are YOuuUU??"
"don't you think you ought to tell me WHOOO youUu are first?"

if you were to make a list of all the things you are, have been, and will be... how many of them would contradict each other? for more on this, see my first post.

identity crisis.

I wrote this in response to the question "Is Identity real?" after a series of discussions on identity, power, cultural capital, character and agency.

“Alex thought of all the parties she’d ever gone to where the first question she was asked was What do you do? as if that was enough to define you. Nobody ever asked you who you really were, because that changed. You might be a judge or a mother or a dreamer. You might be a loner or a visionary or a pessimist. You might be the victim, and you might be the bully. You could be the parent, and also the child. You might wound one day and heal the next.” –Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

            This is a quote I have saved in a growing document of favorite quotes from one of my favorite authors. What you do, who you know, what you like, etc IS enough to define you, but that doesn’t mean it should be.

I have decided that Identity is like a Subway sandwich. There is no “real” subway sandwich. Let’s say that your Subway sandwich favorite is the meatball sub. But in reality, every single Subway meatball sub is going to be different. It might be the same ingredients, but the person who made it is different, the Subway you bought it at is different, the ingredients were prepared differently or may even come from somewhere different.

            I made a laundry list of all the nouns and adjectives that I have ever been, am currently and could possibly be. I was surprised to see how many of those nouns directly contradicted themselves- a believer and a doubter, a student and a teacher, a girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend, an advice-giver and advice-receiver.

Identity is relative. Identity is evolving and changing. Identity is contextual. In part, your identity is your mold. The perception of your identity is more powerful than your performance because you are always either living up to it or trying to escape it. The nouns in my identity that I was, for example, a private school student, are just as important to my identity as the nouns I am currently and the nouns I will become. In one sense, I will no longer have “student” in my line as employment, but I will always be a learner and someone will always be teaching me. Perhaps the portions of my identity from my past are more relevant than the portions in my present… they both play significant roles in where my identity is going to be in the future.

Some of the words I wrote down I realized were arguable depending on who saw the list. For example, to someone who doesn’t drink, is a former alcoholic or is against drinking- I could be considered a borderline alcoholic. To most college students, I don’t drink enough. Does that mean I am a borderline alcoholic or a college student? I wrote down “drinker” just to settle my internal dispute. In this sense, identity is extremely sensitive to perception and opinion in terms of the degree. This makes the importance of the perception that much more powerful.

This laundry list I created coexists simultaneously meaning something different in each different context and time, meaning something different to everyone who knows you, including yourself. So yes, its “real,” but its abstract, fleeting, and constantly changing.