i remember a time my balance was fine

"I try so many times but it's not taking me

                                                                            and it seems so long ago that I used to believe

and I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy but I cant get out of it. 

I'm just stumbling

                                                                           And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head

I'm juggling and my fears on fire

but I'm listening as it evolves in my head...

And I remember the time my balance was fine

and I was just walking on one fine wire

Life plays so many games inside of me

and I've had some distant cries, following 

and they're entwined between the night and sun beams

I wish I were free from this pain in me

I remember the time my balance was fine..."

-Colbie Caillat, One Fine Wire

hashtag happy, no wait, miserable. no wait, happy.

These days are characterized by mood swings of new proportions. I feel that the weekends where I stay in Madrid drag on, the weekdays also go by painstakingly slow but yet, the fact that its the EIGHTH of May shocks me to the core. 

I have seven weeks left of living in Europe. 

Then, I am looking at around three weeks to move from Atlanta to Malibu. 

Admittedly, my mind is already in Malibu in many regards. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of buying a new couch, selling some things in the house, going through junk I have no use for with less care than a host from Clean Sweep. I am preoccupied with things I should be doing that I cannot at this time- find an apartment, finish my FAFSA forms, etc etc that I need to be in California barking down my Father's back for help. Conversely, I was walking through my neighborhood today thinking of how deeply I will miss Spanish rolling fluidly off my tongue, weaving through these intricate streets alive with culture and rich in history, with free time to do things like blog or read three books in five days and be completely up-to-date on all my favorite TV shows. But as a friend recently candidly wrote me, "the universe can be such an asshole" and you don't get to choose when certain chapters end and begin nearly as tactfully as you may wish. and that's how you end up with mood swings, questioning your own incapability of balancing what you're doing in this moment and where you're headed. 

balance. 

One of the most poignant themes of my time living in Spain has managed to again remind me that i'm no master and i have much more learning to do. Where is the balance between falling for someone stupidly and falling for someone gracefully? When do you cut yourself off and demand yourself to walk away? At what moment is your investment in someone else's time and feelings the "right amount"? Is there such a thing? Is falling off that wire such a tragic thing, anyway? Maybe the most healthy way to approach complicated paradoxes is not by carefully walking the tightrope without falling off, but instead on hopping from one side to the other? 

These are questions I blog about because they're things rolling around desperately in my thoughts with no answers. What do you think? Where do you find balance in your life? Where is there lack of balance? 

All I know is I identify with the lyrics presented above. I know that over the weekend, I felt trapped in Madrid. claustrophobic like I wasn't able to breathe while thinking my next booked flight was not until my flight back to the US in July. Though I have zero intentions of changing my habit of caving to my gypsy-like desires, high blood pressure due to lack of foreseen travel in five weeks is a new level I am not sure is healthy. With my patience growing thin on nailing down upcoming weekend plans, finally a few things fell into place. I have plans for this weekend, which I am super excited about. Yes, in two days I will be on the road again. And it makes the surrounding air easier to breathe. 

I also booked my (extremely expensive, might I add) flight to VIENNA! As I have written many times, Vienna has a huge hold on my heart. One of my first mission trips and most certainly the most impactful mission work that I participate in, this upcoming trip will be my seventh trip to the shelter. I couldn't possibly be more thrilled. 

Until I have "it all figured out" (which will never happen) I will most likely continue to endure this insomnia while I lay awake wondering why I don't have some magical "how to balance abstract nouns and life's absurdities" handbook and blogging about how I managed to screw it up.  

i count the steps from where i am to where i started

these empty halls held our disease before we caught it.

what a poetic way of putting it. i'm also a fan of the "slow dancing in a burning room" by John Mayer. i cannot stop listening to Andrew Belle. I thought maybe this obsession would pass, but it's just worsening. He needs a new album asap. I can let him have my journals to inspire some more lyrics that I feel like he writes intimately about my life. I love this guy. I'm serious. Okay, now to the post.

I was having an intellectual conversation with a dear friend from high school last weekend to satisfy a longing for one. I get these intellectual conversation itches that few people care to indulge me in. But, I am deeply grateful for those that do. When someone is up for one on the Holocaust, time and place I am there.
Anyway, we were talking about phases of life. It's odd how if a book ends poorly, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth for the entire book, regardless of how much you liked the majority of it. When one chapter ends unexpectedly, or not how you would prefer, that's when you have to remember that you are not the author but instead the reader. You have to pick it back up and keep reading. Eventually, you realize why that was written the way it was, and you're not upset about it anymore. As Death Cab puts it, "when memories of me seem more like bad dreams."

I am a pro memory-holder-onto-er. But in thinking about the importance and uniqueness of each "phase," event, memory, moment, I've made an outstanding distinction. No one particular event, person, tragedy, dramatic episode, accomplishment, test, disaster, hook up, break-up, embarrassing moment, group project or professor will stand out over another. All of these things have encompassed my collegiate experience, or as referred to by some, the "best four years of my life." However, I'd like to argue (as stated in my prophecy I do quite a bit of) that every phase of life is going to be sweet in its own way. Each letter forming words that create strings of sentences to slowly piece together a huge story. It's my job to make sure that story is one of love with no regrets.

I loved taking naps in kindergarten, but I'd really rather not go back to learning how to read. Talk about room for embarrassing moments! I thoroughly enjoyed the breathing exercise that we use to do as a cast before competition play practice or the massages after a long run-through. But if tomorrow, someone appeared with the option to go back to GAC uniforms, regulations, Dr. Morris and busy work, I would mull it over and kindly reply, "no that's okay. I'll stay right here." This is how I want to think about college. I am not terrified of this G-word, ggggradduatttion. I am thrilled for it. I worked too hard for that day to be filled with depressing terror of what's to come and that my world as I know it has ended. So, I'm done with feeling guilty.

Maybe cyncism has creeped in too deeply, and maybe I am just excited for change. Maybe I do love the idea of an "open door" a little too much and that my shaking for my running shoes is catching up with me with remarkably great timing (for once). But, there is no reason to fret. I remember thinking that fifth grade graduation was the end of the world as I bawled hysterically walking the halls of the elementary school. What a joke. At the time, I was legitimately concerned. The very idea of junior high was filled with unknowns and rumors that you had to write in cursive for each class. In retrospect, I don't think I have ever been forced to write in cursive, ever. In fact, much of the time it's the opposite.

I thought I would never speak to those friends again. Those friends that mattered then (actually mattered), still matter now. I don't just still talk to them, I love them even more now than ever. One of whom I called a hot crying mess a few days ago. He gave me a solution and said he'd have vodka waiting for me as soon as I entered Roswell.

I have great friends that have gotten me to this point, gotten me through all kinds of shit and will continue to be there. When they fade (if they do), new faces will surface to help hold me together. Thank you Facebook, blogspot, Twitter, Skype and the not-so-glorious "network" for reassuring me that whoever I want to stay in touch with that wants to stay in touch with me will have plenty of tools for doing so at their fingertips. Though, it is natural at an event as emotional as Senior chapter or intense questioning about post-graduation plans to have "back and forth and in between like my emotion" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves) I'm standing solidly on optimism. When my eyes scan the printed words of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" I have by my mirror, I am reminded that I have great things waiting for me. Whatever the hell those may be. We ALL do. Regardless of what phase of life we are on. I can't wait to travel to Thailand, to live in Europe, to live in NY, to deposit my first 4 digit paycheck, to stand proudly as a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding, to frame my master's degree, to hold my father's shaking hand walking down an aisle of my own, to order business cards that have impressive credentials following my last name, to fall so deeply in love no words can describe the feelings, to win my first trial, to support Reggy and the shelter monthly, to have an excuse to eat cake nonstop all day long because I am pregnant, to run a complete mile without decrepitating exhaustion, to sign the line with my name signifying I own my own house, to look at my first born in a face that resembles my own...

Who knows which of those things will occur and in what order, perhaps all of them will. I refuse to be convinced that at 22, I have expended the best years of my life. Regardless of how wonderful those 22 years have been lived. As "I count the steps from where I am, to where I started" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves), what an insane journey its been. But I am leaving it, regardless of whose permission I have or have not received and going onto something equally great, just great in a different way.

All things are good in their own time. And for this, it is time. As I painted on a canvas as a gift for a friend freshman year, it's time to return to a bumper-sticker inspiration. In the next three weeks, I will live it up and drink it down. Laugh it off, avoid bull shit and take chances, without regrets because at one point, everything was exactly what I wanted.
What I really needed was to reminded last week that "I am the captain of this ship, curious hands and fingertips. It's for no one but me to say what direction I shall turn in now." (Dave Matthews, Captain)

no place in mind, we shall arrive

Today, one of my professors said to a large group of seniors and freshman, "Don't worry about where you're going, because you don't even know." I thought to myself, wow, that's really inspirational. Then I thought, wait a minute. That scares the SHIT out of me. So I dont know where i am going. But that's okay. Because, with no where in mind, we shall arrive. and look up Joey Ryan because he is great. I'm convicted that from my small corner of the world I should shamelessly promote singer songwriters that deserve the spotlight. 

i left you to your own devices with failures weighing on your mind.

like a seed denied the water needed, you're wilted now, all but defeated.

worry not you told me, but i've seen unfold this story. 

strong and steady be your will, leaves your battered body cold and still. 

and i know, you know you need me now. my hand is soft and strong held out for yours to grasp it firm and scream you'll never let it go.

up the asphalt, back in time, no place in mind, we shall arrive.

its better to be on your way than sit and stay and melt away.

and i know, you know you need me now. 

my hand is soft and strong held out for yours to grasp it firm and scream that you'll never let it go. 

listen, i know you know that all along you're scared to hit the end head on.

 so place your weary hand in mine and don't you ever let it go.

cause even as your path may wind, keep me always on your mind.

open ward your heart to me, be not the door that has no key. 

make it good your chance at life, no where in mind, we shall arrive.

-Joey Ryan, We Shall Arrive

To the next person that asks, this is my public proclamation and warning, "What are you doing after graduation?" you WILL be slapped. so just, don't ask. i get very cranky almost instantaneously at such questions. and i might respond with, "i'm sorry, did you plan to be overweight and working at the student health center that is a complete joke of a medical facility at Alabama when you were 22? oh, you didn't? so, how the hell should I know?" thanks. 

mirror, mirror on the wall...

should a-/ would a-/ could a....
in light of seeing 'Arry PoTTer, I'd like to request some magic. Yes. I WOULD like a crystal ball. and i WOULD like to pick up a journal that I so religiously recorded thoughts, drama, events, feelings, tears, frustrations, love, emotions and other randomness that I simply needed to see on paper in order to breathe, sleep and function and be able to hold it and magically flip to the page I am in need of reading OR, better yet, read pages that have not yet been written. Hermione, GET ON IT. You and your cute little British accent, figure it out. I picked up a journal from the summer off the shelf and read nothing that made me feel better, just things that made me feel worse. Funny The Way It Is. Since I saw Parachute live, this one particular line has been unbelievably glued to my soul from The Mess I Made, "i SHOULD have proudly claimed that all my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes." I have no regrets, though, right? Isn't that what we always tell ourselves to make those "should a/would a/could a" thoughts to go away?
If anyone knows where to place the order for a crystal ball, that would be great. Then again if I were a King, if I had everything, if I had you and I could give you your dreams, if I were giant sized, on top of it all, then tell me what in the world would I go on for? If I had it all? Sometimes I feel lost, as a I pull you out like strings of memories wish I could weave them into you then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out. Then again... if I had it all, you know, I'd fuck it up.

Requesting some enlightenment, COULD I have been anyone other than me? Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I work it out. I am WHO i AM, WHO am I??
What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying...?


What's wrong with a Friday night staying in with a glass of wine, my to-do list and my six pound dog? This. Contemplation. But, lots of good music to back it all up. 
Alright unwritten unknown that lies ahead, I am one step closer. And I am excited to see what is coming next regardless of what is behind and what I am carrying with me on that journey, even if I don't know who or what that is just yet. Crystal-schmystal.


Words in blue are song titles I strongly recommend you looking into and italics are lyrics themselves.