Tuesday, May 8, 2012

i remember a time my balance was fine

"I try so many times but it's not taking me
                                                                            and it seems so long ago that I used to believe
and I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy but I cant get out of it. 
I'm just stumbling
                                                                           And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling and my fears on fire
but I'm listening as it evolves in my head...
And I remember the time my balance was fine
and I was just walking on one fine wire
Life plays so many games inside of me
and I've had some distant cries, following 
and they're entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me
I remember the time my balance was fine..."
-Colbie Caillat, One Fine Wire

hashtag happy, no wait, miserable. no wait, happy.

These days are characterized by mood swings of new proportions. I feel that the weekends where I stay in Madrid drag on, the weekdays also go by painstakingly slow but yet, the fact that its the EIGHTH of May shocks me to the core. 
I have seven weeks left of living in Europe. 
Then, I am looking at around three weeks to move from Atlanta to Malibu. 
Admittedly, my mind is already in Malibu in many regards. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of buying a new couch, selling some things in the house, going through junk I have no use for with less care than a host from Clean Sweep. I am preoccupied with things I should be doing that I cannot at this time- find an apartment, finish my FAFSA forms, etc etc that I need to be in California barking down my Father's back for help. Conversely, I was walking through my neighborhood today thinking of how deeply I will miss Spanish rolling fluidly off my tongue, weaving through these intricate streets alive with culture and rich in history, with free time to do things like blog or read three books in five days and be completely up-to-date on all my favorite TV shows. But as a friend recently candidly wrote me, "the universe can be such an asshole" and you don't get to choose when certain chapters end and begin nearly as tactfully as you may wish. and that's how you end up with mood swings, questioning your own incapability of balancing what you're doing in this moment and where you're headed. 
One of the most poignant themes of my time living in Spain has managed to again remind me that i'm no master and i have much more learning to do. Where is the balance between falling for someone stupidly and falling for someone gracefully? When do you cut yourself off and demand yourself to walk away? At what moment is your investment in someone else's time and feelings the "right amount"? Is there such a thing? Is falling off that wire such a tragic thing, anyway? Maybe the most healthy way to approach complicated paradoxes is not by carefully walking the tightrope without falling off, but instead on hopping from one side to the other? 
These are questions I blog about because they're things rolling around desperately in my thoughts with no answers. What do you think? Where do you find balance in your life? Where is there lack of balance? 
All I know is I identify with the lyrics presented above. I know that over the weekend, I felt trapped in Madrid. claustrophobic like I wasn't able to breathe while thinking my next booked flight was not until my flight back to the US in July. Though I have zero intentions of changing my habit of caving to my gypsy-like desires, high blood pressure due to lack of foreseen travel in five weeks is a new level I am not sure is healthy. With my patience growing thin on nailing down upcoming weekend plans, finally a few things fell into place. I have plans for this weekend, which I am super excited about. Yes, in two days I will be on the road again. And it makes the surrounding air easier to breathe. 
I also booked my (extremely expensive, might I add) flight to VIENNA! As I have written many times, Vienna has a huge hold on my heart. One of my first mission trips and most certainly the most impactful mission work that I participate in, this upcoming trip will be my seventh trip to the shelter. I couldn't possibly be more thrilled. 
Until I have "it all figured out" (which will never happen) I will most likely continue to endure this insomnia while I lay awake wondering why I don't have some magical "how to balance abstract nouns and life's absurdities" handbook and blogging about how I managed to screw it up.  

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