you´re not drunk if you can´t stay in your lane

The reason why I love bad days is because the next day is always so much better. Sometimes, you feel like the sky has exploded and only you know (Age of Rockets). Or according to Jack´s Mannequinn, "alone in a crowded room." I firmly believe that life functions on a very carefully calculated balance and contradiction, where unless that balance is somehow maintained via whatever force, everything would totally fall apart. To be honest, I cant quite erase the images provided by The Adjustment Bureau when I think about whatever or whomever controls the balance. There is this quaint little tale in Spanish about a cicada and an ant. In the summer, the ant works really hard to store up for the winter and the cicada mocks him from his lounge chair laying in the sun. The cicada explains to the ant that he must enjoy the summer! The ant retorts, when you have no food in the winter, don´t come cryin´ to me because you should have worked during the summer! I´m sure there is some fable in every language along these lines, where the moral of the story is "don´t build castles in the sky" literal translation from Spanish. This is a balance that I am trying to grasp fully and the entire law school application process juxtaposed with living in Madrid has been operation teach Stephanie to appreciate the now AND prepare for the future simultaneously. I can confidently say that as I look back over the hours I spent pouring over research, websites, books, advice columns, though I am sure it prepared me in an inmeasurable way to make the decision that I did, Pepperdine wasn´t on my beautiful color-coded Excel spreadsheet. I don´t know what the faculty to student ratio is, or how many volumes are in the library but that doesn´t mean it wasn´t an informed decision, because it absolutely certainly was. It´s just that, sometimes the BEST things in life, you cannot plan. And when you look back, you will see that you really had planned it all along and it all followed that plan better than you could have ever imagined. And that my friends, is a truly spectacular thing. Life is unpredictable, ridiculous and beautiful all rolled into one mess. Who would have it any other way?

"Well, you´re not brave if you still keep the letters
and you're not sane if you don't want to get better
and you're not drunk if you can´t stay in your lane
 Well you're not awake but you haven't been sleeping
 and you hate God but you don't believe in him
and you're not scared but you still got you're eyes closed
the sky explodes, and only you know
Well it's not fixed if you love it broken
 you're not lost but you're missing your exit
 and you're not scared but you still got your eyes closed
I want you to worry when I don't call you back."
-Avada Kedavra, Age of Rockets

BOOM.

Source: anglophilemeetsbibliophile.tumblr.com via bluboho on Pinterest

in awe of what's in front of me

“California, guilded crowns.

Mile markers counting down.

Somewhere down, down in the ocean of sound, we’ll live in slow motion

And be free

The door’s unlocked and opened

The door’s unlocked and opened.”

–Death Cab for Cutie, Doors Unlocked and Open

Bear with me here, because this is a loooong post. Posted first on my blog about my experience living in Spain, www.defineyourdestination.blogspot.com but equally applicable here. 

I sincerely hope you can find the time to read every word.

First: the headline—I will be attending Pepperdine University School of Law in the fall! Now, allow me to fill you in on how WE came to this decision and the revolution it took to get me there. Or, I should say, here.

Wow, what an incredible and ridiculous trip this has been and these past two weeks have indeed been particularly ridiculous. I was able to accomplish quite a bit in a short, short period of time. The first few days I distinctly felt like I had only revealed that I had more questions than I did answers and more and more I felt an increasing pressure to make some sacrifice on what I wanted for these upcoming years. I didn’t feel like I found a school that “had everything I wanted.” No, I felt like that didn’t exist. Instead, I was choosing which things I was willing to give up and which things I wasn’t going to compromise on. This was a suffocating feeling, but at least the decision was slowly approaching and becoming clearer. I ended up applying to 26 law schools and I was overwhelmed with blessings at the many, many schools that offered me a place in their 2012 incoming class of future JD students. I never expected to get into so many places and in the end, the great choices that I had increased the difficulty of my decision.

         The burning question this entire decision process has been, “Where do you want to live and practice?” And, flatly, I do not know. I simply do not know the answer to that question. Where you want to live and practice is incredibly important for where you attend law school. That city is where you establish a network, where the most alumni live, where your school will have the most connections for job placement, the state where you will be the most prepared to take the bar and not to mention, the city you are committing to live in for at least three years and most likely through your first job or two.

             I need to rewind. One of the reasons why I have always loved Death Cab For Cutie (a band) is because of Ben Gibbard’s (the lead singer and lyricist) remarkable ability to capture this idea of never quenching wanderlust. Many of their songs discuss “falling in love with an open door” and it is their “You Are A Tourist” that this blog was named after. Read its lyrics in full and then I’ll explain why it’s been so strongly on my heart throughout this entire last few months journey.

“This fire, grows higher…

When there’s a burning in your heart, an endless yearning in your heart, build it BIGGER than the sun, LET IT GROW.

When there’s a burning in your heart, don’t be alarmed…

When there’s a doubt in your mind, ‘cause you’re thinking all the time, framing rights into wrongs- MOVE ALONG.

When there’s a doubt within your mind, when there’s a burning in your heart and you think you’ll burst apart, well, there’s nothing to fear. Save the tears. When there’s a burning in your heart and you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, it’s time to go and define your destination. There’s so many different places to call home.

Cause when you find yourself a villain in the story you have written, its plain to see that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption, would you agree? If so, please show me.

This fire, grows higher…”

Those last few months in Tuscaloosa, I felt like a tourist in this city where much of who I am now was born. I knew that fire to get out of the city and dream chase and live in Europe for a year was something real that had to be pursued. My plan after studying in Spain was to enjoy my senior year, retake the LSAT, live in Europe for a year and then go to law school. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that at times that plan has seems farfetched, out of reach and absurd. But hindsight is always crystal clear, and it’s such a blessing to look back on the tears cried over missing application deadlines or the disappointment with my LSAT score and think, “woah, it all has gone exactly according to plan.” And it really has.

        My months in Spain have taught me many things and in many ways, the most significant thing I have learned has been about myself. Though the fairly recently developed Brown nomadic lifestyle is now deeply ingrained in me, my definition of home has been crystalized.

Home is not Roswell or Tuscaloosa or York or Madrid.

Home is not in Irvine or seat 17F.

Home is a strange combination of all of these places.

Home is in the people that I love that revitalize me, encourage me, bless me, make me happy, make me laugh until my stomach hurts, allow me to call them venting, hold me when I am crying, that read my emails, that listen intently to details of my day, who Facebook stalk my photo albums and who I can pick up with wherever it may be that we left off.

Home is a collection of these places because the people that I love are spread out all over the world. Literally. And so, as for where I want to live and practice law? Well, I want to be a little closer to “home.” That is, the definition of home according to Stephanie Brown. Augustana has a song where he belts, "Do you want to see it, the place where I am free? It lives INSIDE me."

The morning of April 6^th, I slept in for the first time in weeks. I woke up to Dad having read all my hours of research and all the brochures and viewbooks I had collected over the last few months. I listened intently as he was on the phone explaining to a friend that the day before after touring two schools fifteen minutes away from his apartment in Orange County, I had crossed them both off the list. He snuck in a few words of disappointment to the man that was the best man in my parents wedding saying, “I would really like her to come to school out here, but it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.” I left to lay by the pool and call a friend to explain, whether it was NYC or Miami, they were both incredible options, but they were both so far away from “home”. I was hell-bent though on not sacrificing a better education and better option for my future just because I have friends and family in California. All these thoughts about home and proximity to people that I love and need were not separate from this decision. As ratios, percentages, dollar signs, images and descriptions were all swirling around in my head like a broken radio I couldn’t turn off in my mind, behind all that were these feelings of being sick of being SO far away from everyone.

Friday afternoon, Dad and I were out running errands and we were having a discussion on “THE DECISION.” I had been leaning pretty heavily to New York Law School and imagining walking the halls of the sleek, new building and sharing with strangers on a plane that I live in Manhattan. It’s certainly a dream to live in NYC but after further research and review, University of Miami is just a better fit. Miami Law has everything I could possibly want and more. Though large and with a huge faculty to student ratio, the clinic offerings, the academic programs, the Latin population, the study abroad options, the notoriety, the connections and alumni network are all ideal. And before we knew it, Dad and I had reached a decision. Miami.

We ran into Best Buy for a few things and when we returned to the car, I had an email saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve been accepted to Pepperdine University School of Law!”

I just kept repeating, “DAD!!” I had no other words.

This changed everything.

I delayed my flight to Europe for a week to fly back to LA to see Pepperdine and attend an Admitted Student’s Open House to make my final decision.

At church on Easter, this was my most exciting news to share with anyone and everyone who would listen. Each person made it clear their preference for where my tuition check should go. And who can blame them. Pepperdine has epic things to offer and being accepted feels like a dream. Feels like a life that isn’t actually mine.

After a full day of the Admitted Student’s Open House, it was even clearer than before that Pepperdine is the place for me. Several really incredible interactions took place. I spoke with students who told me they are praying for the incoming class and one girl looked me dead in the eye and said, “You’ll make the right decision and God will lead you here, because Pepperdine is a place where God leads people.” When we met the dean and she introduced herself to us, Dad said, “Well, I think she’s decided to come here!” The dean shrieked in excitement and gave me a hug. Completely thrown off, I stood there, thinking, “Wow, this is the community I am being welcomed by and I can’t wait to get back here.” It was a powerful day and I am so confident that this is the right decision.

I seem to be incapable of finding words profound enough to explain how my blood feels like it is running smoother in my veins. I am incredibly confident that Pepperdine will nurture, feed and build my dreams in a way that no other community would be capable of doing and its such an exciting thought to know the steps that lie ahead may be hard work, but are on the exact path I have been envisioning. Now, its time to go back to Madrid and enjoy my last few months before I sell my blood to the library. I’ve got a new pep in my step feeling like the doors are unlocked and open. I can’t wait for these next few months to be the best yet.

“I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me.” –Empire of the Sun

Looking back on a conversation I had several weeks ago with my boss in Spain, I said, “Pray that I see the name of the school in the clouds.” I can honestly say, it really did feel like God’s answer was indeed that clear. I cannot thank you enough for the prayers, support, encouragement and awesomeness that you all have offered me along the way. I simply could not be here without you.

And you’ll have a HOME in Malibu in the fall! 

total production costs: $10 plus awesome

Do you know what my cure for hump day is? Well, usually, I barely survive Wednesdays, but today, it is this song and this video. It´s going to make your day. I promise. It´s just SO AWESOME.

I´ve got all sorts of things on my mind and I plan to get some serious blogging done this weekend, but for right now, all that´s playing in my head is this man. this man, dancin´and lovin´ life.

its important for EVERYONE

this is worth the fight. i hope you will join me in making the pledge, writing to the selected people, donating $5 measly dollars per month, and collaborating in my city on April 20th. but most importantly, INFORM yourself. not just on Kony, but on all international criminals. and maybe one day, youll see me working at The Hague. Because this is my dream, to raise a child in a better world than the world that I live in. To teach them that every human has rights, and that I fight daily to ensure the International Declaration of Human Rights is effectively being implemented and justice is being actively sought when it is not.

"where you live shouldnt determine whether or not you live."

"not for self defense, but because it was RIGHT."

if a flame's what it takes to remember my name

It is my hope that in this blog, you occasionally read and think, "that's exactly what I needed to hear" or "thats where I am at" or "i want to remember that if i am in that position" but more importantly, that you find you can follow my ramblings and that you see how the lyrics presented go so hand in hand with the post. Sometimes the thoughts behind the post lead me to the music and sometimes its the other way around. But, they are always meant to be understood together by the reader and if your interpretation is getting lost, then I am losing my direction as a writer. All of these things are welcomed in emails and comments, so do not hesitate to keep giving me the feedback. That's why I write, for the feedback. 

Here's a culmination of several posts (see tagged labels below) and something that's really on my heart.

"this is a call to the color blind.  this is an ‘I-owe-You’.

I'm stranded behind the horizon line, tied up with something true.

Why is it not my time?

What is there more to learn?

      Shed this skin I've been tripping in

Never to quite return

Someday I'll fly, Someday I'll SOAR

              Someday, I'll be SO DAMN MUCH MORE

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

I'm bigger than my body, now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines

And it might be over in a second's time

But I'll gladly go down in a flame.. 

       if a flame's what it takes to remember my name. 

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

This winter has been extremely strange for me. I have had some really emotional highs and some rough, rock bottom emotional lows. I know those highs and lows aren't going away anytime soon. As a friend said to me regarding this law school application process, "Each step of this process has had its challenges and NOW its decision time..." In no way do I intend to ramble about my law school applications, but it's important for where I want to go, so hang in here with me for a second. As I spent several weekends laying around in bed because I was so sick, it's given days feeling well an entirely new brightness.

The decision to pack 3 suitcases and move to Madrid, Spain happened really fast even if it was something I had wanted for years before the Delta flight carried me here in October. I didn't have much time to really consider what I would be DOING. I teach teenagers. I am in a high school with students from all levels of English proficiency and all different backgrounds. With absolutely no education background, I have zero experience to be teaching English to highschoolers in Spain. Daily, I am faced with a question or word that I do not know the answer to. What is the difference in meaning in the sentence, "My mom likes everything including chocolate" and "My mom likes anything including chocolate." Nearly all of the textbooks are British English and I don't recognize some words or phrases or idioms because I speak American English. And for a percentage of my words, they can only be classified as Southern American English. The Californian English teacher that I work with argued with me when I said "I sleep in a bite guard at night." he said, "no, you sleep WITH a bite guard." this argument lasted ten more minutes. I say, you sleep WITH someone, WITH two pillows, but IN socks or IN pajama pants... maybe I just speak incorrectly. I don't know. But there are a lot of days when I think, "jeez, I suck at this job." Students blatantly skip class and do not study or participate or pay attention. The details of whats involved in "teaching English" is only a quarter of my job. The other part of my life here is battling the numerous things that drive me bat crazy, balancing the culture shock of the lackadaisical attitude, and other mounting frustrations unique to Spain but not so different than any other frustrations inherently attached with WORKING.
    All of this juxtaposition-ed against the time I had been dedicating to working on law school applications and carefully crafting beautiful essays that prophetically explained why I was anxiously awaiting an acceptance letter to THAT particular University, was more exhausting than I could properly explain to anyone. I was spending a large amount of emotional and physical energy on thinking about nothing except my future while feeling incredibly trapped in my current moment. I couldn't appropriately connect the two and I couldn't accurately justify how one led to the other or vice versa. For a majority of my mental capactiy, I was dreaming big dreams about what I want to do with my future, what I will do in fifteen years, the goals I have for myself and for my career. Why I want a law degree and what I am going to do with it. These essays took something out of me that I cannot explain. Telling someone, even if its a complete stranger, that you have dreams to change the way people think about genocide, the Holocaust and Human Rights meant for me that one day down the road, if I do not actually accomplish those things, I will be admitting to failure. Seeing these passions on paper scared me because they are the only reason why I have worked so hard. And if "those things" (any of my goals or dreams) are not meant, I will have failed myself, my wonderful support system and the law school that chose to accept me. But, this is big kid life and I am just beginning to grow into it.
    Now that I am out from the umbrella of the application process, I feel like I can breathe easier. But walking with what's become quite a weight on my shoulders of this looming GIGANTIC decision is becoming more difficult.
I know that I am going to miss Spain immensely. I am going to miss all the people that I live here with, who help hold me together just as much as my precious American friends. And while I am trying to make this huge decision, my one goal is to remember the ground beneath my feet.
To appreciate THIS precious moment.
To understand why I am receiving the decisions in this order and how to interpret each school's response.
To gain insight on WHO i AM, who i want TO BE, where I come FROM and where i am GOING.
To work on bettering myself in ways that make me happier, more pleasing as a servant to God, a better daughter, a better friend and a better citizen of this world.
To enjoy the days of sunshine and the days of rain, equally.
To basque in this phase of life, because I will never again hold it in my palms as I am now.

And, that is my challenge to you today, to do the same thing.

Walk this tight rope with me, of keeping your eyes focused on where you are walking, and each individual brick beneath your feet that is leading you there.