we can feel so far from so close

if life wasn't such a roller coaster of ups and downs, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the best moments. I hadn't realized how deep my rut was until I glanced up and saw the black cloud had been lifted and blue sky was there instead. this change in the weather was partially due to exciting news (I've been accepted to law school!) and mostly due to a visit from a great friend. I so badly needed to be reminded of who I am and she was there to do just that. so when you get so discouraged, you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror, just think that if you could see the BIG picture, the BIG plan that you may be closer than you realize. and in that moment, you may feel the furthest away but count on a good friend to tell you, "shut up. I can see this so clearly and you can too if you took the time to stop worrying or being self absorbed and actually LOOK." most likely, it won't come out quite like that but if you're actually listening, that may be what you hear. and it's most likely going to be the exact reminder you've been thirsty for.
just keep the seed in your mind that nothing in this world is permanent, not even our most wicked troubles.
and hold on. 
better yet, hold on with someone else. 


Listen to Mat Kearney's song that inspired the post, the title of the post and the entire album I have on repeat here. 

throw the careful into crazy

Somehow holidays always sneak up on me. It´s like, I know that the holiday is coming and I know that February fourteenth is just another day, like yesterday was the thirteenth and tomorrow will be the fifteenth, but somehow a holiday makes the entire day FEEL different. After living for several months in a country where most of your holidays aren´t celebrated, I have realized this is even more true than I ever previously thought. Spain doesn´t particularly celebrate Valentine´s Day, and considering that it is 6:30 in the morning here, I have literally no clue what is in store for the rest of my day other than what´s written in my calendar: work and Spanish class. Though I feel it will be difficult to top my Valentine´s Day post from last year (read it here), I would like to make an effort, doing so with less effort.

Listen up: here.

I remember what I was doing last year and how it truly doesnt feel like 365 days have passed.
I remember Valentines Day in high school, waiting to see how many carnations I would get at lunch, who they would be from and what they would say.
Valentines Day in elementary school was always my least favorite, even if there were arts and crafts and chocolate involved. Lets be honest, there was always one kid that I didn´t like and I didn´t think deserved to get a valentine from me. Okay, who am I kidding, there were always at least three or four kids I felt that way about.
I remember a Valentines Day when I walked into a room with my favorite flowers and still, to this day, the most beautiful gerber daisies I have ever seen. I was so happy and I was so in love.
Last year, I was drug to that atrocious Valentine´s Day movie. It wasnt atrocious for any reason other than it was a sappy chick flick, and I strongly dislike these movies. My movie pick this year would be one the what feels like hundreds of Oscar nominees I haven´t yet seen.
I miss those little notes that just say, "hey, I love you!" from a friend stapled to a cheap $1 flower guaranteed to barely survive the entire day.

How should I inspire you today, on a day when you should be bringing to the attention of someone that you love that you love them? Well, unfortunately I don´t have much inspiration, so I am hoping you find some in this wonderful song by Bob Schneider (see some of my favorite lyrics in pink below). It´s my Valentine´s Day gift to you, regardless of if youll be curled up next to someone later, if youll be curled up in your cozy bed with a good book or if youll be spending time with friends and/or some combination of all of the above.

Here´s what I know, most definitively: there is something right about you and me. 
There is no reason to think that this black cloud I feel hanging over me isnt on its way out of town.
When the whole world falls into the sea, Ill still be clutching tightly onto the friendships that I treasure so dearly and that have successfully brought me this far. And we will be living ever after, happily. Of this, I am confident.
Despite creeping fear that its risky, I hope we can spur each other onto diving in whole-heartedly, even if it means potential heartbreak, just for the chance of something great and better than any expectations. Because, let´s DO IT. Come out with me tonight, come out with me baby. Let´s throw the careful into crazy. We can be like, good times that haven´t happened yet, but WILL. We can do what we wanna do.
Hell, make a fire, gotta burn a few...
Dream stealing is no crime. We´ll get there before you know.
Maybe discontentment is born from half-assing it and straddling the middle ground, living in the boring comfort zone. And that´s no good because...

We ain´t got no time to waste, 

we got too much life to taste. 

my love affair with everywhere was innocent, why do you care?

Vacilando – according to glossary.com, it’s a Spanish term for the act of wandering when the experience of travel is more important than reaching the specific destination. John Steinbeck (inTravels With Charley: In Search of America, 1962) wrote: ‘In Spanish there is a word for which I can’t find a counterword in English. It is the verb vacilar, present participle vacilando. It does not mean vacillating at all. If one is vacilando, he is going somewhere, but does not greatly care whether or not he gets there, although he has direction.’

Facebook wall posts, excuse me, TIMELINE posts, that say things like, (and I quote) "update your blog you whore." make me feel happy inside and that you people actually care about what i do and do not write. So here is my blog post. Apparently, it is Spanish tradition to talk about what you expect to happen in the next year of your life around your birthday. It's like New Years Resolutions, except, not. In my 23rd year of living, what do I expect to happen? Well, in fact, this is a spectacular question. As mentioned in my previous post, I really have no clue what will happen in this next year. But I am beginning to think that is better than having all these expectations and then being heart broken when I realize, AGAIN, that I had no idea what was actually the best for me but that miraculously, things worked out better than ever possibly expected.
I have discovered in the past month or so that one of the most difficult yet interesting things to do is to reveal yourself to someone. And this is one of my new least favorite and favorite past times. Each time such an opportunity arises to learn about someone else, you get to learn about yourself too. And its awesome. There was a quote from 30 Rock when Liz Lemon says, "I wish when you first met someone they could just tell you all their weird quirks up front so you didnt have to discover each layer on your own, getting more and more sour with each one." (something along these lines) and sometimes, I agree, I wish it was that easy, but other times, I think about the beauty of someone who really KNOWS you, and that's nothing I could have ever handed someone on a silver platter, no matter how hard I tried. For example, I was super sick earlier this week and friends berated me about getting rest, hydrating, going to the doctor, skipping work, etc. All demands without substantial encouragement and coercion I seem to be incapable of following on my own. I'm not really sure where this was going, or if it ever even had a direction, other than just to say, that I have loved letting someone else inside, if even only just for a few seconds to selfishly discover new things about myself. And it's true, I form in wet sand. Or so, I am completely convinced.

"My shadows side so amplified, keeps coming back so dissatisfied

My love affair with everywhere was innocent, why do you care?

My sunny side is up and died

I'm betting that when we collide the universe will shift into a low

My what a good day for a walk outside

I like to get to know you little better baby

God knows that I really tried

I saw you there so unaware those hummingbirds all in your hair

The disrepair of norma Jean could not compare to your routine

My what a good day for a let it slide

I'd like to say we did it for the better of...

Right on the verge just one more dose

I'm travelling from coast to coast

My theory isn't perfect but it's close

I'm almost there why should I care

My heart is hurting when I share

Someone open up Let it show

I thought about it and I brought it out

                                I'm motivated by the lack of doubt

I'm consecrated but I'm not devout

The mother, the father, the daughter

You don't form in the wet sand,

You don't form at all

Woah you don't form in the wet sand,

I do"

-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Wet Sand