hell is so close and heaven's out of reach

cheers to a day when i didn't do anything i was suppose to get done. 

cheers to not thinking. 

cheers to a bottle of wine to drown lack of thinking and doing. 

to relaxing. 

to breathing. 

to figuring it out later. 

to the Crimson Tide.

to enjoying the moment. 

to being happy. 

to being thankful.

 to understanding that you don't understand. 

to adopting a lackadaisical attitude.

to grounding yourself by what you know beyond a doubt to be truth. 

to limiting yourself to 24 hours in one day because you have no other choice.

cheers to good music that soothes your soul. 

to experimenting with new words on your tongue for the first time. 

to having absolutely no idea what the future holds but swallowing that fact as something acceptable.

to 12 hours of sleep.

to a great dream.

to sharing a piece of yourself with someone new for the first time and discovering something about yourself as your share it. 

to adventures. 

to laughing. 

to falling in love all over again with a song you've already heard 118 times. 

to effective and pure communication. 

to reverie. 

to what-ifs. 

to brilliant ideas. 

to terrible ideas.

to not being sorry.

to an email that brightens my entire day.

to skype dates with dear friends. 

to dictating your own schedule. 

to doing something rewarding. 

to losing yourself in a book. 

to my list of daily blessings and gifts. 

to tomorrow being another day. 

tonight, on my ikea sofa-cama, i pour a third or fourth glass of wine to you.

"anywhere you go, anyone you meet, remember that your eyes can be your enemy.
i said, well, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach.
i ain't givin' up quite yet, i got too much to loose. 
hold me down, sweet and low, hold me down, and i'll carry you home.
the rain is gonna fall, the sun is gonna shine.
the wind is gonna blow, the water's gonna rise.
she said, when that day comes, look into my eyes.
no one's giving up quite yet, we got too much to loose.
and i'll carry you, always.
you say youre fine but you're still young and out of line.
all i need is to turn around, to make it last, to make it count.
im not gonna make the same mistakes that put my momma in her grave, i don't wanna be alone...
hold me down, sweet and low, hold me down. sweet and low, little girl. so hold me down, and i'll carry you home."
-Sweet and Low, Augustana

what does sex really have to do with it?

"We're bound to wait all night. she's bound to run amuck. invested enough in it anyhow, to each his own... i don't know if I'm dead or not to anyone. 
come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes.
this army has so many heads to analyze
come on and get your overdose, collect it at the borderline...
cause they know and so do i
the high road is hard to find.
the detour in your new life
tell all of your friends goodbye.
the dawn to end all nights that's all we hoped it was.
a break from the warfare in your house  to each his own
and i don't know if the dead can talk to anyone...
its too late to change your mind. you let LOSS be your guide."
-The High Road, Broken Bells  
Well, this may not make any sense at all, but here it goes regardless. this is a post about fleeting relationships. I was asking a friend about his relationship with his sister and he said based off his life experience and moving around as a child something along the lines of "family is more significant than friends because no matter what, family has been there all along and seen you through every stage of your life. Unlike friends who will always come and go." I stared back blankly thinking, well, based on MY life experiences, EVERYONE comes and goes. 
I don't have this epic family with siblings who have seen my through my darkest days and my brightest. I had a lovely family.  And I have adjusted well, and I'm very proud of that. The loss I've experienced is not what the point is, but it is important in understanding why I so gravely grieve the loss of friends. Not returning phone calls, not making any effort to maintain a friendship that has seen so many memories and last years, complete apathy for something that means the world to me. 
Though I am far from perfect, and I understand that I have crazy stories, way too much drama surrounding me and perhaps ask for support that is not always easy to give, I have always given whole heartedly to all my friendships and for as long as I can. I am thinking all this boils down to categories perhaps "putting up with me" should be the title of one group- those who things are "good with" who I interact with regularly even if its on a volatile basis. Where "estranged"- those who have abandoned me or whom I have chosen to abandon, would be in another group. If they don't need me, why do I feel like I so badly need them?
At what point is new friendship normal, at what point is the old rhyme we were told, "make new friends but keep the old..." turn into tell the old goodbye, and you're sick of dealing with their bullshit? It's never suppose to be easy. But you're suppose to have silver AND gold. 
In the drama that has consumed a good portion of this year, I have realized that though I returned to this life and why I left the one I created in Spain was to return to these friendships I had spent four years building. I have been so disappointed. I have experienced similar disappointment every year in college and supposedly, you experience such pain to learn and grow in response. Clearly, I have learned little. I am confused.


It's a complicated web I have woven for myself. And I am sick of navigating all the cultural worlds and being X for person X and watching what I say about sensitive subject Y for person Y. An ex boyfriend that still knows how to make me feel worthless and wrong about everything I have stood for the last 15 years. I am tired of feeling alone, then claustrophobic, then dissatisfied then like I screwed it up, then like I am doing a great job. All these thoughts of relationships I am juggling, missing, enduring, giving to, wishing I still had, longing for to miraculously come along- it is exhausting.
A detour to "the high road" would be awesome about now.
So I finish this rant listening to, "Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate because "its not like my feet are stuck to the floor." and i just can't wait to get the hell out of this phase and move onto the next one.