i'll let your ride be free

Somewhere deep within me, I knew it was only a matter of months before a post appeared on this blog again. My old readers are probably not those who are reading this, but this post has been slowly forming over years and I finally feel that I have enough of a grasp to put it into published words to share with the great expanse of no one and everyone simultaneously on the internet.
Perhaps you should read THIS first.

Source: Uploaded by user via Stephen on Pinterest

People watching has always been a favorite pastime. Perhaps its one of the reasons why I love travel so much. Its amazing what you can quickly get from an interaction with a stranger. You can pick up from the way they position themselves, the things they say, the framing of their sentences, the crooked line in their smile, slight darkness in their eyes that there's more than what you know. Sometimes you don't catch any such glimpse in a stranger at all. The Kroger cashier says, "Hey, how are you?" and you politely respond with some platitude, "fine, thanks, how are you?" and then the same statement is repeated back to you. At this point, generally some comment about one of the products being rolled over the scanner is made, method of payment is discussed, occasionally the weather or another nonsense topic is raised in the interest of making small talk and presuming dead silence as unacceptable awkwardness. These bull shit conversations used to drive me crazy with strangers. But the real truth is, how frequently do we have these same conversations with the people we are supposed to be confiding in, trusting, and sharing the deepest things with?
Rather frequently, wouldn't you agree?
And isn't it a pity. There is a well-circulated pin posted above that says, "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I've been chewing on this concept lately. Just starting law school in a state completely across the country, and around the globe from where I spent the last year building connections has attracted new light on the beauty and obstacles presented by young friendships. You avoid religion, politics, ex-boyfriends, hot-topic issues because you don't know their background. You say something that in your frame of reference is totally relevant or appropriate, but in their world, it is interpreted as the exact opposite. Exaggerated words are taken at face value and repeated. Young friendships are built off series of interactions walking a tight rope of "here's a small insight into me" and "i want insight into you" but too often, both slip by.
What is even more frightening is the likelihood that friendships formed on surface nonsense can seem like the real deal and can be rewarding, even lasting for years.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when you have a friend that is experiencing all kinds of trials, you can be so close to that person, you can empathize with them so deeply that on some level you are experiencing it as well. As referred to in one of the most vulnerable posts on this blog, I have a fundamental issue with life struggles and the lack of ability to guide someone through a same or similar circumstance as one that I myself hobbled along. This week in particular, I was given an opportunity to attempt to be the friend I needed in that time. It was such a strange sensation to sit and think of what I wanted and needed at that time. It's amazing what you let yourself forget. As I tried to reconstruct fragile memories of wondering what the result of one of Mom's surgeries would be, I was reminded of the CDs I played while walking through the hospital hallways, of the smile cemented to my face that I didn't even recognize when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought about the constant admonitions of "I'm praying for you" and "God is good and He is going to get you through this" and how my gut reaction to each one made my stomach churn as I grasped onto each word but swallowed it down with doubt and anger.
I've thought so many times that "I want bones like iron, blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising and when I'm sinking in" as so eloquently described by Dispatch. But life isn't like that. You can wear your story on your sleeve, you can sigh heavier throughout your day, your confusion can be visible, or your jaw can be crooked into a smile even you do not recognize yet all go unnoticed. So luckily, you can only worry about being open and honest enough about your own experiences to share them and hope that another will benefit. You can only be concerned with having listening ears and sensitivity to the needs of those around you.

The point I am desperately and poorly trying to make is this: you just never know what battle someone that you are interacting with is facing. At any given moment, that interaction could make a huge difference or none at all.
The emotional energy that you invest in someone else or something else may never be fully appreciated. And that is a shame. But in my experience, as it drains you to fill someone else, in the end, you are filled when they feel restored and you were a contributing factor to that restoration.
I am confident the emptiness that comes from the emotional investment initially, will ALWAYS be rewarded.

So, GO invest in someone.
Invest in everyone. 

"Well, I got a bad disease. 

Right from my brain is where I bleed. 

Today, love smiled on me. 

It took away my pain

Say, please, I'll let your ride be free.

You gotta let it be.

It's bitter baby

but its very sweet.

I'm on a roller coaster but I'm on my feet.

Take me to your river, let me on your shore. 

I'll be coming back, baby, I'll be coming back for more. 

I could not forget but I won't endeavor. 

Said my pleasure, I won't regret it never.

Where I go, I just don't know.

I got to, got to take it slow.

When I find my peace of mind, well, I'm gonna give you some of my good time."

-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soul to Squeeze

i remember a time my balance was fine

"I try so many times but it's not taking me

                                                                            and it seems so long ago that I used to believe

and I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy but I cant get out of it. 

I'm just stumbling

                                                                           And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head

I'm juggling and my fears on fire

but I'm listening as it evolves in my head...

And I remember the time my balance was fine

and I was just walking on one fine wire

Life plays so many games inside of me

and I've had some distant cries, following 

and they're entwined between the night and sun beams

I wish I were free from this pain in me

I remember the time my balance was fine..."

-Colbie Caillat, One Fine Wire

hashtag happy, no wait, miserable. no wait, happy.

These days are characterized by mood swings of new proportions. I feel that the weekends where I stay in Madrid drag on, the weekdays also go by painstakingly slow but yet, the fact that its the EIGHTH of May shocks me to the core. 

I have seven weeks left of living in Europe. 

Then, I am looking at around three weeks to move from Atlanta to Malibu. 

Admittedly, my mind is already in Malibu in many regards. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of buying a new couch, selling some things in the house, going through junk I have no use for with less care than a host from Clean Sweep. I am preoccupied with things I should be doing that I cannot at this time- find an apartment, finish my FAFSA forms, etc etc that I need to be in California barking down my Father's back for help. Conversely, I was walking through my neighborhood today thinking of how deeply I will miss Spanish rolling fluidly off my tongue, weaving through these intricate streets alive with culture and rich in history, with free time to do things like blog or read three books in five days and be completely up-to-date on all my favorite TV shows. But as a friend recently candidly wrote me, "the universe can be such an asshole" and you don't get to choose when certain chapters end and begin nearly as tactfully as you may wish. and that's how you end up with mood swings, questioning your own incapability of balancing what you're doing in this moment and where you're headed. 

balance. 

One of the most poignant themes of my time living in Spain has managed to again remind me that i'm no master and i have much more learning to do. Where is the balance between falling for someone stupidly and falling for someone gracefully? When do you cut yourself off and demand yourself to walk away? At what moment is your investment in someone else's time and feelings the "right amount"? Is there such a thing? Is falling off that wire such a tragic thing, anyway? Maybe the most healthy way to approach complicated paradoxes is not by carefully walking the tightrope without falling off, but instead on hopping from one side to the other? 

These are questions I blog about because they're things rolling around desperately in my thoughts with no answers. What do you think? Where do you find balance in your life? Where is there lack of balance? 

All I know is I identify with the lyrics presented above. I know that over the weekend, I felt trapped in Madrid. claustrophobic like I wasn't able to breathe while thinking my next booked flight was not until my flight back to the US in July. Though I have zero intentions of changing my habit of caving to my gypsy-like desires, high blood pressure due to lack of foreseen travel in five weeks is a new level I am not sure is healthy. With my patience growing thin on nailing down upcoming weekend plans, finally a few things fell into place. I have plans for this weekend, which I am super excited about. Yes, in two days I will be on the road again. And it makes the surrounding air easier to breathe. 

I also booked my (extremely expensive, might I add) flight to VIENNA! As I have written many times, Vienna has a huge hold on my heart. One of my first mission trips and most certainly the most impactful mission work that I participate in, this upcoming trip will be my seventh trip to the shelter. I couldn't possibly be more thrilled. 

Until I have "it all figured out" (which will never happen) I will most likely continue to endure this insomnia while I lay awake wondering why I don't have some magical "how to balance abstract nouns and life's absurdities" handbook and blogging about how I managed to screw it up.  

throw the careful into crazy

Somehow holidays always sneak up on me. It´s like, I know that the holiday is coming and I know that February fourteenth is just another day, like yesterday was the thirteenth and tomorrow will be the fifteenth, but somehow a holiday makes the entire day FEEL different. After living for several months in a country where most of your holidays aren´t celebrated, I have realized this is even more true than I ever previously thought. Spain doesn´t particularly celebrate Valentine´s Day, and considering that it is 6:30 in the morning here, I have literally no clue what is in store for the rest of my day other than what´s written in my calendar: work and Spanish class. Though I feel it will be difficult to top my Valentine´s Day post from last year (read it here), I would like to make an effort, doing so with less effort.

Listen up: here.

I remember what I was doing last year and how it truly doesnt feel like 365 days have passed.
I remember Valentines Day in high school, waiting to see how many carnations I would get at lunch, who they would be from and what they would say.
Valentines Day in elementary school was always my least favorite, even if there were arts and crafts and chocolate involved. Lets be honest, there was always one kid that I didn´t like and I didn´t think deserved to get a valentine from me. Okay, who am I kidding, there were always at least three or four kids I felt that way about.
I remember a Valentines Day when I walked into a room with my favorite flowers and still, to this day, the most beautiful gerber daisies I have ever seen. I was so happy and I was so in love.
Last year, I was drug to that atrocious Valentine´s Day movie. It wasnt atrocious for any reason other than it was a sappy chick flick, and I strongly dislike these movies. My movie pick this year would be one the what feels like hundreds of Oscar nominees I haven´t yet seen.
I miss those little notes that just say, "hey, I love you!" from a friend stapled to a cheap $1 flower guaranteed to barely survive the entire day.

How should I inspire you today, on a day when you should be bringing to the attention of someone that you love that you love them? Well, unfortunately I don´t have much inspiration, so I am hoping you find some in this wonderful song by Bob Schneider (see some of my favorite lyrics in pink below). It´s my Valentine´s Day gift to you, regardless of if youll be curled up next to someone later, if youll be curled up in your cozy bed with a good book or if youll be spending time with friends and/or some combination of all of the above.

Here´s what I know, most definitively: there is something right about you and me. 
There is no reason to think that this black cloud I feel hanging over me isnt on its way out of town.
When the whole world falls into the sea, Ill still be clutching tightly onto the friendships that I treasure so dearly and that have successfully brought me this far. And we will be living ever after, happily. Of this, I am confident.
Despite creeping fear that its risky, I hope we can spur each other onto diving in whole-heartedly, even if it means potential heartbreak, just for the chance of something great and better than any expectations. Because, let´s DO IT. Come out with me tonight, come out with me baby. Let´s throw the careful into crazy. We can be like, good times that haven´t happened yet, but WILL. We can do what we wanna do.
Hell, make a fire, gotta burn a few...
Dream stealing is no crime. We´ll get there before you know.
Maybe discontentment is born from half-assing it and straddling the middle ground, living in the boring comfort zone. And that´s no good because...

We ain´t got no time to waste, 

we got too much life to taste. 

it's just too bright, as the days keep turning into night

"Well, I have been searching all of my days.
Many a road, you know, I've been walking on, all of my days.
And I've been tryin' to find, what's been on my mind, as the days keep turning into night.
Well, I have been quietly standing in the shade, all of my days.
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made, all of this rain.
And I've been trying to find, what's been in my mind, as the days keep turning into night.
Many a night, I found myself with no friends standing near..
I cried aloud, I shook my hands, 'what am I doing here?!' all of these days...
For I look around me, and my eyes, confound me.
And it's just too bright, as the days keep turning into night.
So I smile, and know I'll feel this loneliness no more. For I look around me, and it seems you've found me.
And it's coming into sight, as the days keep turning into night.
And even breathing feels alright. Yes, even breathing feels alright. Now, even breathing feels alright."
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

It is January 22nd and I realize this post is a little late. But time is really flying by. I think every one of my journal entries begins with something about how fast time is going by, and it seems I can hardly keep up as these days keep turning into nights. 
I was teaching lessons on "New Year's Eve traditions and resolutions" all week and I can't help but share some thoughts. First of all, I learned that Spaniards don't particularly make resolutions. The word resolution itself is best directly translated as, "propositions." Interesting, I said the first time I heard this. I asked my students, "So, wait, you don't claim you'll miraculously become a new and improved, better person in the upcoming new year?" One student replied quizzically, "No, I mean, that's unrealistic, so why would we do that?" I wanted to end class right there and just chew on that. As I reflect on what my resolutions are this year, I realize that they are all basically the exact same as they were last year. I pride myself in being a very goal-oriented person, like my Mother and I do generally succeed in meeting the goals for myself. But as I have read Thought Catalog's "What 20-Somethings Want," I think about what I want, and its all basically the same things I wanted last year. And just because there are few changes to my Hello 2011 post, doesn't mean that I didn't succeed in reaching those goals last year. It's just that I think I've reached a point where the things I am chasing, wanting, trying to be are slightly more static than they have been in years past and I am okay with that.
Just because commercials cater to Americans thinking they will miraculously muster up the motivation they've been lacking for years because it's time to make resolutions, doesn't mean that resolutions are inherently bad. Even if they're not kept. And that's what I think about resolution making. It's worth your time even if you fall short. What's that cheesy phrase that used to be on posters in our elementary classrooms? I can picture it right now: Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars. Set goals, make resolutions, create propositions for yourself not just because its the first fresh few days of a new year, but because you owe it to yourself. Self-improvement. Not just in January, but throughout the year. So, this year, resolve to set some goals and then resolve to stick to 'em.

Who knows what 2012 will hold. 

One thing that is for sure is there will be more engagements and weddings than I can keep track of. Mine will not be one of them. Maybe this will be the year that I will fall madly in love again. Maybe this will be another year of funny stories, disaster dates, short lived hotties and almosts. In fact, either of these or a combination thereof, I am perfectly okay with.
2012 holds the secret of where I will be settling for the next three years, perhaps where I will apply to take the bar and perhaps the state where I will call "home" for a long time. That frightens and excites me simultaneously, especially considering I currently have NO clue where that will be past this short list: DC, LA, NYC, Miami, Boston, San Diego, San Francisco, Chicago.
Maybe 2012 will be another year of friendship turmoil or maybe 2011 held it all so 2012 can be about harvesting the good that's left over. Perhaps this year will be another great football season for the beautiful Crimson Tide and perhaps it will be a rebuilding year with a few losses sprinkled into the season.
This will be another year of being a 20-something lost, confused and searching for answers to questions that I have been looking forward to answering for years and questions I have yet to create entirely.
I predict that for a decent chunk of 2012, I will be in the library with my nose dug into a book or staring at this very computer screen until I go cross-eyed. I. cannot. wait.

As for the idea that if you keep your resolutions a secret, they will come true, I think that's pure nonsense. I believe in the opposite. So, here are mine. I hope that you will help me with the following ideas and that you will consistently be on me. If you share yours with me, I will promise to do the same thing. Promise.

LOVE. above everything else. 

keep my priorities in line.

make myself and those around me proud.

Don't forget to breathe.

Pray. Have a faith bigger than my fear.

Run and do ab workouts several times a week

Take good care of those that I love

Make the most of every second and live with no regrets

Read all the NYT Bestsellers

Read a complete book in Spanish

Learn from myself and others

Do something extraordinary

Do something that makes a difference, no matter how small 

Do something new

Travel

Read the news several times a week

Journal

Maintain my blogs regularly

Break 3 bad habits: snooze, acrylic nails, texting and driving

Make art

Be thankful for absolutely EVERYTHING

Remind people of their loveliness often

Watch all the 2012 Academy Award nominees

Watch all the 2012 Emmy winners

Rationalize with my heart and head instead of siding with one or the other

Keep an open mind

Stay in better touch with Mom's family. Go to Dallas.

Surround myself with people who lift me up, call me to higher living, and believe in my dreams

Gain a pea-sized ounce of patience

Expand my vocabulary and curse less

Less English, more Spanish

Whatever I do, be passionate about it

Look for inspiration

Go to concerts of my favorite artists and other cultural events

Source: someecards.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

And in case I didn't already take up enough of your time today, read this. 
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/20-new-years-resolutions-for-20-somethings/

this is a public service announcement.

"it's time to tear this place down.
i've got the last gig on my mind.
not seen my friends in ages, have i been left behind?
it's time to figure out why i find myself in custody with each and every question on my mind.
fly to El Salvador. i don't know why and i don't know what for.
i've seen the picture for myself.
where did that label go? i tried it out, but it didn't work so, i'll choose the picture for MYSELF.
it's time to start all over.
take only one thing spare to wear."
-Athlete, El Salvador

i am human. i mess up. i make mistakes. i disappoint people that matter to me. i occasionally think before i speak. i've also been known to speak before i think.
sometimes, i commit to doing something that i end up being unable to go through with. i doubt myself and think "i can't actually do this." a time or two, i've told a lie or a white lie or ignored flat out telling the truth in order to protect someone or myself. several times a year, i have a complete meltdown. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't always believe that for myself (thank you, LSAT). sometimes, i don't recognize my own limit and i do really stupid things. i enjoy making art, even though sometimes it's not even worth how much i paid to make it. i enjoy talking with friends and sharing in memories and stories. i like long walks on the beach. not really, actually, i'm not a gigantic fan of sand. there are days when i want to do absolutely nothing except lay in bed and watch a marathon of criminal minds or law and order SVU. i am stressed; i am overwhelmed. i see the best in people and sometimes that entails misjudging them. i am an optimist, a realist and a pessimist simultaneously. i frequently talk to myself. i am beyond the definition of stubborn.
i am going to pick up. leave. and teach myself how to let go.
if you religiously read my blog and this post seems like the last five except reworded but expressing the exact same themes, i am sorry. i take that back. i'm sorry i'm not sorry. this is what i needed today, and maybe you'll find that you needed it too. for the same reasons or for reasons completely different.

                                                                                               

                                                                                             Source: jennyanddukefamily.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

"Failure is always the best way to learn, retracing your steps til you know. 

Have no fear, your wounds will heal." -Kings of Convenience, Failure

This is one thing I know. Love can set you free. 

Now in a "LOVE.Everyday" first, I will include a Biblical inspiration in the daily quotes and music lyrics. Because I needed this refresher, you can find a good definition of it here. Reposted below with the emphasis I particularly had to read to be reminded of today (from The Message).

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.

   Love cares more for others than for self.

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

   Love doesn't strut,

   Doesn't have a swelled head,

   Doesn't force itself on others,

   Isn't always "me first,"

   Doesn't fly off the handle,

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

   Doesn't revel when others grovel,

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

   Puts up with anything,

   Trusts God always,

   Always looks for the best,

   Never looks back,

   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

 11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

 12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the BEST of the three is LOVE.

jumping off a bridge, it's just the furthest that i've ever been.

"another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go... so take the photographs and still frames in your mind..." Greenday
in light of graduation this upcoming weekend, i feel like it is crucial to have a sappy post about where ive been, where im at and how it is all changing, its uncertain, it's scary but that i am thrilled for it. the only problem with that is that i basically just described an entire YEAR of posts. so, instead, this post will be about a song that i think is applicable to all my friends. its been playing on repeat for days now. a toast to how no matter where we all end up, i've got their back and we'll figure out how to stay in touch. the following is a collage of some of my favorite pictures from college. pictures with people i love more than simple words express. pictures from days and events when i was overfilled with happiness and was given memories i am beyond words thankful for. i can't wait to see what else is to come. the pictures are times i was, i think, the absolute happiest in all four years. and to those in these photos, anywhere you go, i'll follow you down.

“Did you see the sky? I think it means that we've been lost. Maybe one last time is all we need. I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots. Jumping off a bridge, it's just the farthest that I've ever been. Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down, anyplace but those I know by heart. I'll follow you down, but not that far. I know we're headed somewhere, I can see how far we've come but still I can't remember anything. Let's not do the wrong thing and I'll swear it might be fun. It's a long way down when all the knots we've tied have come undone. How you gonna ever find your place, running in an artificial pace?” –Follow You Down, Gin Blossoms

has it really been 3 years?

People work too hard to figure out the meaning of their lives. Why me, why now. The truth is, sometimes things don’t happen to you for a reason. Sometimes it’s just about being in the right place at the right time for someone else.” –Jodi Picoult, Second Glance

Some items on the to-do list get marked off right away, other items hover waiting for the to-list maker to have the will power, the courage or the ability to complete them. it's so easy to think about someone or something and let it pass by without action. though i don't usually post really personal stuff on my blog, i think that this is important, so stick with me. 

certain memories in my life stand out very clear, like they happened yesterday. i was standing in this small hotel bathroom in Odessa, Texas staring at myself in the mirror with a steaming hot curling iron in hand. my reverie was broken by what i thought was an extra precautionary alarm going off again. to my surprise, i looked down at the phone and i was receiving a phone call from a dear friend of mine at the time. thinking that she just wanted to wish my luck for the brutal day ahead, i answered. she sternly told me to sit down. all i could think was, "i'm burying my mother today, what the hell is she going to tell me that's going to make this day any worse?!" and that's when she explained that a horrible plane crash took the life of one of my best friends. this girl had been one of the first people i met in the horrid week called Sorority Recruitment. she had laughed at everything and had an incredible attitude. we clicked. she was one of the first people i told at alabama that my mom had cancer because she found me crying in the dorm room hall. we listened to Dave together. we went to fraternity parties and had our red solo cups filled by pledges with delicious pink panty pulldowns. all summer, she had kept up with me and how my mom was doing. she was going to book her flight to atlanta to come visit as soon as she got back from alabama. In fact, when I got back from Texas, I had flowers waiting for me at my house that she had sent the day she died.

i think about Lauren everyday. not only do i miss the ability to pick up the phone and call her, i wonder if she would be graduating with me on Saturday, i wished for her as a refuge in harder times this past year and i am graciously reminded of her fun-loving spirit, how loving of a friend she was and her incredible zeal for life every time i pass her picture on my dresser and every time i call my dog by her full name, named after Lauren's last name and nickname. 

Graduation next week is going to be bittersweet because it was suppose to be in May but this little f5 tornado ruined that. graduation is going to be odd because close friends that were planning to come in May will no longer be able to attend. it will be odd to be in tuscaloosa without a home. i already have my diploma. but most importantly, graduation is going to be bittersweet because in the last three years, I have lost two people that meant so much to me. And no matter what, it's going to be weird without them there.

I have been meaning to call Lauren's family since... well, since, May. On several occasions I've spoken to her mother and she is an incredible woman. For no good reason, something less important has gotten in the way of making that phone call. Walking Grey Brue today, i pulled out my phone and dialed Mrs. Brue. The call only lasted 17 minutes, but it was perfect. Just touching base felt amazing. Letting her know that I still think about Lauren, that I still think about her, I could tell meant a lot to her. And she told me the same. That this picture of Lauren and I is sitting on her dresser. 

Sometimes you don't do things for yourself, you do them for someone else. Sometimes you get a nice mix of both. All this to say, the next time the idea of doing something nice for someone else crosses your mind, don't let it go. Force yourself to do it, no matter how tough it seems. Make reminding someone that you care about them a priority. You may find that doing something selfLESS has incredibly selfISH rewards. Thanks for reading, I hope you found it inspiring, or at least something like it.

and words are futile devices

you know, sometimes there just are not words. sometimes words can't accurately express thoughts or feelings or emotions. there are times when that emotion is overwhelming and language does not, cannot fill in the vast gap between what the heart is experiencing and what the mind is attempting to make sense of. usually, when these things happen i turn to music, lyrics, quotes and borrow advice from friends. i depend on dear friends understanding me well enough to where i can just exist and they can read my mind. clearly, that doesn't always work out. in the light of news about some pretty intense tragedies in the past few days, i am reminded of the immobile and helpless feeling of having no words. no words to miraculously fix the broken heart. words that sound so convincing even said with the greatest confident voice mustered: "it's going to work out somehow" but instantly implies a hesitant expression and underlying uncertainty for the ears receiving the platitude. for other friends, i am aware of the fear in the air and i do not have words that coalesce that fear. i just do not. for others, i have found that i do not have words to substantially thank or demonstrate my immense gratitude for all they do for me.
on a separate but related note, i have discovered this past week in particular that i do not possess the language skills to describe what i am feeling. that's really hard for me to do. credit to Sufjan Stevens for the blog title and for setting the mood for my reverie. if you're actually a dedicated reader and you looked up the video and listened to the whole song and are now reading into who i would say this song to, please pick up the phone and call me before making assumptions. but as with always, if i wasn't fully dedicated to the lyrics, the artist and the song, it wouldn't be in a post.
in place of my own words to respond to heartache and tragedy, i offer one of my favorite quotes ever:

"when there are no words... know that the silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you." (dawn dais)

and in place of my own words to respond to fear (whatever that may be), this is what i offer. some inspiration. and truth.

You gain STRENGTH, COURAGE and CONFIDENCE by every experience in which you really stop to look FEAR in the face... DO the thing you think you CANNOT do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

The next thing to do is take some advice from Peter Bradley Adams and gather up the people you love and embrace them. hold them in your arms. and together, figure it out.

gather up in the arms of your pity

the sick, the depraved, the desperate, the tired

all the scum of our weary city

gather up in the arms of your love

those who expect no love from above

I ask you this, which way to turn?

I ask you this, which sin to bear?

which crown to put upon my hair?

I do not know, I do not know...

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up

I wait to take the hand of love,

come every one, come gather up

there's lonely people in the lonely night

they grab a lonely dream and they hold it tight

there's lonely people in the lonely day

who work to solve their dream away 

so I ask you this, which way to turn?

I ask you this, which sin to bear?

which crown to put upon my hair?

I do not know, I do not know...

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up

I wait to take the hand of love,

come every one, come gather up

won't you gather in your arms, gather in your arms  

spread love like violence

If I had my own world

I'd fill it with wealth and desire

A glorious past to admire

And voices of kids out walking dogs

Birds, planes, trees, cleanest cars

If I had my own world

I'd love it for all that's inside it

There'd be no more wars, death or riots

There'd be no more police, packed parking lots

Guns, bombs sounding off

If I had my own world

I'd show you the life that's inside it

The way that it glows when you find it

The way it survives with it's families

Friends or it's enemies

Let's make this a new world

I swear you can go if you want to

If I had my own world

I'd build you an empire

From here to the far lands

To spread love like violence

If I had my own world

I'd build you an empire

From here to the far lands

To spread love like violence

Let me feel you, carry you higher

Watch our words spread hope like fire

Secret crowds rise up and gather

Hear your voices sing back louder

-Angels and Airwaves, Secret Crowds

how it all fits together. your love, i mean, AND your life.

“Let me tell you a little something about love. It’s different every time. It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction, an arrow over an equation, but the elements change. The most fragile kind of love is that between a man and a woman. Chemistry, again; if you introduce a new element, you never know how stable the original bond is. You may wind up with a new union, with something left behind. I believe you can fall in love many times with many different people. However I don’t think that you can fall in love the same way twice. One type of relationship may be steady. Another can be fire and brimstone. Who is to say if one of these is better than the other? The deciding factor is how it all fits together. Your love, I mean, and your life.” –Jodi Picoult, Songs of The Humpback Wale (Joley)

This is something I've been thinking about recently. Combining talents and passions in a way that glorifies the One who gave them to you. Combining your talents and passions in a way that brings happiness but that doesn't involve waiting around until something better comes around. I don't have anything figured out really. I believe that that's okay. I think I will always be growing and learning. But I think that what I am passionate about, what I love has been revealed to me and now it's my job to figure out whatever path I end up on, I am putting the pieces together in a way that fits my love into my life. Because after all, what more is there? (yes, that was a Dave reference to Pig) I'm not talking about a romantic love. I'm not really in love like that right now, per se. I haven't been in love in a long time. But I love a lot of things. I love a lot of people. Sometimes I shouldn't love the things that I do (ie Vodka/Sprite) and sometimes I shouldn't love the people that I do. Yet, at the end of the day, I depend on people doing the same for me. I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. One more piece of inspiration: what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. - pedro arrupe

This is what I want you to think about. Please share. What do you love? Who do you love? And how are you combining the two? Do one thing every day to ensure that love is driving your life in order to ensure that it's one worth living. 

no, bitch, i would NOT like a children's menu.

one of my biggest pet peeves is being assumed that I am not 22. alright. maybe i don't look like I am 22. maybe i look a few years younger. i understand needing to show my id when i am buying a drink or buying alcohol at the grocery store. maybe i don't look like a college graduate. maybe i don't even look like a college student. BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I AM 12. so the next person that assumes something about my age is going to get a huge piece of my mind.
there is a quote that says something along the lines of you're only as old as you feel. what if your age wasn't determined by the number of years that youve been alive but instead in the moments that you've lived. how you lived. what you've lived through. all i'm saying is that if that were true, no one would assume i'm 22. people would assume i was 40. i think age should be more transient. aren't there times when we all act like high school girls gossiping or get college drunk or put off doing chores around the house like a child. personally, there are days when i really just need to throw a huge tantrum like a toddler. there are other days when i buy groceries and clean the house and tend to other tasks like a house wife. don't we all act every age in order to function? i don't know i just think that a life should be measured in more than age but in maturity, experience and love. Measure your life in seasons of love. 

people always tell me, "well looking young will be a great thing when you're older!" and this brings me no comfort at all. it brings a mental image of me in line at Publix with my first born getting stares from the woman in front of me thinking, "poor girl is 16 and already has a child." no, that's not going to be "a great thing."
to the idiot at Pappadeaux who asked the people I was with for lunch if I would like a children's menu, this is what i have to say to you: "no, bitch, i would not like a children's menu. actually, i just graduated. from COLLEGE. did you do that? oh, would you like a diploma? too bad." Okay, just kidding I won't do that. Just know that I believe that life should be measured in seasons of life. Your age doesn't actually mean anything.

"in daylights, in midnights. in cups of coffee. in inches, in miles. in laughter, in strife. how do you measure a year in the life? how about LOVE? measure in love. Seasons of love. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure your life in love." -RENT