Progress is one of those words that means what it sounds like; it's an onomatopoeia. A few days ago, a woman and I were chatting casually and exchanging hatred for almost every male out there. She said that she is a practicing Buddist and believes that sometimes the Universe ultimately makes decisions for us to set us back on the right path when we have gotten off track. Or something like that. I was in a hurry and couldn't finish that conversation but I hope some day to be able to dive into that topic a lot deeper. Several days later, I realize that this "universal direction-guiding" regardless of who you think is to thank, is ultimately CHANGE.
More often than I admit out loud, I find myself lamenting over the past or friendships that have experienced rough twists and turns or vanished. This lamentation isn't in hatred, it's in love. And it's human. It doesn't mean that there is blame there or that I have deeply rooted regrets or grudges that I cannot let go of. In attempting to describe what I mean exactly, I'll borrow these words from Josh Kelley. "I'm sick of chasing after things. I'd rather them chase after me, keeping up is bound to wear me down. There's a million ways to skin a cat; I put my choices in a hat. Picked a few and threw the bad ones out. So if you want me, you better knock me down. Cause I ain't easy and this ain't hallowed ground. I've been thinking about ole Cain and Able sitting at a breakfast table, talking about the way things use to be. Abel looked at Cain and said, 'all that shit was in your head.' I'd like to think Cain was hard to please."
I don't know why I think that mental image is so poetic. But I am just imagining sitting across the breakfast table with anyone I've ever crossed paths with, nonchalantly speaking about what exactly happened between us. Sharing with one another precisely where there was hurt, blame, disappointment, forgiveness. The word enemy is so strong, but there are certainly a select few people from the past few years that chaos, drama and emotions run pretty deep. My mind doesn't fill with memories or thoughts of them daily by any means, but when it does, it's interesting to feel at peace with it all now. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Even if I am still clueless to what that reason was. Because that happened, I got here. And now I'm on this incredible new branch of my journey that is going to lead to a lot of new and crazier things.
I am beginning a really hardcore stance on DISTANCE. I think that distance between two people is all relative. One of my dear friend's Facebook quotes under her profile picture the first three years I knew her was "laughter is the closest distance between two people." And I believe those words to be true. Who knows how my friendships will continue to change as I stretch them by moving to a completely different continent. I hope that the friends that support me and love me the most will stick by my side and make the effort necessary to maintain our friendship for hundreds of years to come. I love a lot of people but I don't love doing all the work and getting beat up all the time. Those days are over for me. So, if you want me, you better knock me down. As Dave says, "Why worry? Changes have come and changes will come again."
Showing posts with label fleeting relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fleeting relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
all that remains is a place where you no longer are, this is goodbye
"I've been searching deep down in my soul, words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I'm starting all over again. The last three years were just pretend and I said, goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine." -Michelle Branch
has it really been 20 days since i last posted?? wow.
today, i am stuck on a word. just one word. goodbye.
there is a song written by greg laswell that I have not been able to stop playing, it's soothing and its lyrics are captivating and somehow, it hasn't been applicable until today. this post is going to be ALL over the place so take from it the piece you find that you can relate to and take the rest as my rambling. with goodbye typed into itunes so Greg Laswell's Goodbye could play on repeat, I heard other favorites and I started really thinking, hence inspiring the rest of my hectic world to stop spinning long enough for deep thought and posting.
i've always thought the best medicine for almost any situation was speaking your mind and throwing out your opinion. being told you're wrong is healthy because sometimes you simply are. but there is a lot to be said between the different shades of "goodbye." as i've referenced in previous posts, i have chastised myself for being overly forgiving and for my inability to give up on people. this is a rough combo and though good character traits, perhaps aren't the smartest, safest or best for a number of reasons. so today is about saying goodbye. goodbye to some dreams that i cannot accomplish overnight, to some goals that are unrealistic. to a class that i didn't need to take. to an old self that would have handled herself differently. goodbye to my "say goodbye" attitude inspired by Dave Matthews that has protected me for two solid years.
goodbye is in order for some items on my mental lists meaning a complete disappearance where only faint traces can be found later. goodbye, synonymous with goodbye for good. permanent. closure. letting go.
goodbye is in order for other words written on this mental list that indicates a change. like a goodbye to that, and hello to its new form. a better, refreshed, renewed version.
there is a goodbye that is meaningless, carrying no weight which is only uttered out loud because its a habit. "love to have you with me, almost all the time. life just isnt like that, at least not mine. there's no need for hello, there's little reason for goodbye. never need to miss you 'cause you're always on my mind." - Shannon McNally
and goodbye is the exact opposite of other importance things i have going on, exciting things that i'm saying hello to. hello to open mindedness, hello to the unknown and to making the most of each second. hello to familiar faces sprinkled across my path on campus. hello to old friends i cherish time with. hello to opportunities. hello to trying on a cap and gown. hello self-control and will power. hello irony. Hey baby, hey baby hey.
Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go.
"You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you, from where I sit, you're one of a kind. Relationships I don't know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind. I've been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love protection. What do you say, honey, come to my defense. I stand up for you if its what you need. I got deep desire and it needs quenching, I think that's pretty plain for you to see." -Griffin House
has it really been 20 days since i last posted?? wow.
today, i am stuck on a word. just one word. goodbye.
there is a song written by greg laswell that I have not been able to stop playing, it's soothing and its lyrics are captivating and somehow, it hasn't been applicable until today. this post is going to be ALL over the place so take from it the piece you find that you can relate to and take the rest as my rambling. with goodbye typed into itunes so Greg Laswell's Goodbye could play on repeat, I heard other favorites and I started really thinking, hence inspiring the rest of my hectic world to stop spinning long enough for deep thought and posting.
i've always thought the best medicine for almost any situation was speaking your mind and throwing out your opinion. being told you're wrong is healthy because sometimes you simply are. but there is a lot to be said between the different shades of "goodbye." as i've referenced in previous posts, i have chastised myself for being overly forgiving and for my inability to give up on people. this is a rough combo and though good character traits, perhaps aren't the smartest, safest or best for a number of reasons. so today is about saying goodbye. goodbye to some dreams that i cannot accomplish overnight, to some goals that are unrealistic. to a class that i didn't need to take. to an old self that would have handled herself differently. goodbye to my "say goodbye" attitude inspired by Dave Matthews that has protected me for two solid years.
goodbye is in order for some items on my mental lists meaning a complete disappearance where only faint traces can be found later. goodbye, synonymous with goodbye for good. permanent. closure. letting go.
goodbye is in order for other words written on this mental list that indicates a change. like a goodbye to that, and hello to its new form. a better, refreshed, renewed version.
there is a goodbye that is meaningless, carrying no weight which is only uttered out loud because its a habit. "love to have you with me, almost all the time. life just isnt like that, at least not mine. there's no need for hello, there's little reason for goodbye. never need to miss you 'cause you're always on my mind." - Shannon McNally
and goodbye is the exact opposite of other importance things i have going on, exciting things that i'm saying hello to. hello to open mindedness, hello to the unknown and to making the most of each second. hello to familiar faces sprinkled across my path on campus. hello to old friends i cherish time with. hello to opportunities. hello to trying on a cap and gown. hello self-control and will power. hello irony. Hey baby, hey baby hey.
Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go.
"You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you, from where I sit, you're one of a kind. Relationships I don't know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind. I've been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love protection. What do you say, honey, come to my defense. I stand up for you if its what you need. I got deep desire and it needs quenching, I think that's pretty plain for you to see." -Griffin House
Sunday, February 13, 2011
love, what more is there?
As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.' The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there?
Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's so simple and you know it is.
Just say yes.
Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too.
For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.
-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol
Sunday, February 6, 2011
what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.
expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.
“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson
Thursday, February 3, 2011
rediscovery is a beautiful thing
Come out, no use in hiding.
Not room for both, just room for me.
So you will lay your arms down.
Yes I will call this home.
Away, away
You have been banished
Your land is gone
And given me
What's this you say ?
You feel the right to remain?
Then stay and I will bury you.
Here's the hitch
Your horse is leaving
Don't miss your boat
It's leaving now
And as you go I will spread my wings
Yes I will call this home
I have no time to justify to you
Fool you're blind, move aside for me
All I can say to you my new neighbor
Is you must move on or I will bury you
Now as I rest my feet by this fire
Those hands once warmed here
I have retired them
I can breathe my own air
I can sleep more soundly
Upon these poor souls
I'll build heaven and call it home
'Cause you're all dead now
I live with my justice
I live with my greedy need
I live with no mercy
I live with my frenzied feeding
I live with my hatred
I live with my jealousy
I live with the notion
That I don't need anyone but me
Don't drink the water
There's blood in the water
things i LOVE: when you hear a song for the first time even though you've heard it a million times before. this happened with Don't Drink The Water at some point two weeks ago or so and I've just now had time to blog about it. It's words are still applicable and there are few things I love more than being lulled by Dave right before trying to fall asleep. This song in particular has always had a certain darkness to it, but the words finally fell into place. I'm obsessed. And this version in particular is exceptional. In light of the blog's facelift, I just really felt I had to post today. I had several scenes of TV shows or movies in mind, but youtube came up short on everything and I was frustrated. What's the deal with that? Is youtube shutting down a lot of videos? Well, they are deleting all the good ones. WTF. So I dug up this draft.
Monday, November 8, 2010
what does sex really have to do with it?
"We're bound to wait all night. she's bound to run amuck. invested enough in it anyhow, to each his own... i don't know if I'm dead or not to anyone.
come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes.
this army has so many heads to analyze
come on and get your overdose, collect it at the borderline...
cause they know and so do i
the high road is hard to find.
the detour in your new life
tell all of your friends goodbye.
the dawn to end all nights that's all we hoped it was.
a break from the warfare in your house to each his own
and i don't know if the dead can talk to anyone...
its too late to change your mind. you let LOSS be your guide."
-The High Road, Broken Bells
Well, this may not make any sense at all, but here it goes regardless. this is a post about fleeting relationships. I was asking a friend about his relationship with his sister and he said based off his life experience and moving around as a child something along the lines of "family is more significant than friends because no matter what, family has been there all along and seen you through every stage of your life. Unlike friends who will always come and go." I stared back blankly thinking, well, based on MY life experiences, EVERYONE comes and goes.
I don't have this epic family with siblings who have seen my through my darkest days and my brightest. I had a lovely family. And I have adjusted well, and I'm very proud of that. The loss I've experienced is not what the point is, but it is important in understanding why I so gravely grieve the loss of friends. Not returning phone calls, not making any effort to maintain a friendship that has seen so many memories and last years, complete apathy for something that means the world to me.
Though I am far from perfect, and I understand that I have crazy stories, way too much drama surrounding me and perhaps ask for support that is not always easy to give, I have always given whole heartedly to all my friendships and for as long as I can. I am thinking all this boils down to categories perhaps "putting up with me" should be the title of one group- those who things are "good with" who I interact with regularly even if its on a volatile basis. Where "estranged"- those who have abandoned me or whom I have chosen to abandon, would be in another group. If they don't need me, why do I feel like I so badly need them?
At what point is new friendship normal, at what point is the old rhyme we were told, "make new friends but keep the old..." turn into tell the old goodbye, and you're sick of dealing with their bullshit? It's never suppose to be easy. But you're suppose to have silver AND gold.
In the drama that has consumed a good portion of this year, I have realized that though I returned to this life and why I left the one I created in Spain was to return to these friendships I had spent four years building. I have been so disappointed. I have experienced similar disappointment every year in college and supposedly, you experience such pain to learn and grow in response. Clearly, I have learned little. I am confused.
It's a complicated web I have woven for myself. And I am sick of navigating all the cultural worlds and being X for person X and watching what I say about sensitive subject Y for person Y. An ex boyfriend that still knows how to make me feel worthless and wrong about everything I have stood for the last 15 years. I am tired of feeling alone, then claustrophobic, then dissatisfied then like I screwed it up, then like I am doing a great job. All these thoughts of relationships I am juggling, missing, enduring, giving to, wishing I still had, longing for to miraculously come along- it is exhausting.
A detour to "the high road" would be awesome about now.
So I finish this rant listening to, "Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate because "its not like my feet are stuck to the floor." and i just can't wait to get the hell out of this phase and move onto the next one.
come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes.
this army has so many heads to analyze
come on and get your overdose, collect it at the borderline...
cause they know and so do i
the high road is hard to find.
the detour in your new life
tell all of your friends goodbye.
the dawn to end all nights that's all we hoped it was.
a break from the warfare in your house to each his own
and i don't know if the dead can talk to anyone...
its too late to change your mind. you let LOSS be your guide."
-The High Road, Broken Bells
Well, this may not make any sense at all, but here it goes regardless. this is a post about fleeting relationships. I was asking a friend about his relationship with his sister and he said based off his life experience and moving around as a child something along the lines of "family is more significant than friends because no matter what, family has been there all along and seen you through every stage of your life. Unlike friends who will always come and go." I stared back blankly thinking, well, based on MY life experiences, EVERYONE comes and goes.
I don't have this epic family with siblings who have seen my through my darkest days and my brightest. I had a lovely family. And I have adjusted well, and I'm very proud of that. The loss I've experienced is not what the point is, but it is important in understanding why I so gravely grieve the loss of friends. Not returning phone calls, not making any effort to maintain a friendship that has seen so many memories and last years, complete apathy for something that means the world to me.
Though I am far from perfect, and I understand that I have crazy stories, way too much drama surrounding me and perhaps ask for support that is not always easy to give, I have always given whole heartedly to all my friendships and for as long as I can. I am thinking all this boils down to categories perhaps "putting up with me" should be the title of one group- those who things are "good with" who I interact with regularly even if its on a volatile basis. Where "estranged"- those who have abandoned me or whom I have chosen to abandon, would be in another group. If they don't need me, why do I feel like I so badly need them?
At what point is new friendship normal, at what point is the old rhyme we were told, "make new friends but keep the old..." turn into tell the old goodbye, and you're sick of dealing with their bullshit? It's never suppose to be easy. But you're suppose to have silver AND gold.
In the drama that has consumed a good portion of this year, I have realized that though I returned to this life and why I left the one I created in Spain was to return to these friendships I had spent four years building. I have been so disappointed. I have experienced similar disappointment every year in college and supposedly, you experience such pain to learn and grow in response. Clearly, I have learned little. I am confused.
It's a complicated web I have woven for myself. And I am sick of navigating all the cultural worlds and being X for person X and watching what I say about sensitive subject Y for person Y. An ex boyfriend that still knows how to make me feel worthless and wrong about everything I have stood for the last 15 years. I am tired of feeling alone, then claustrophobic, then dissatisfied then like I screwed it up, then like I am doing a great job. All these thoughts of relationships I am juggling, missing, enduring, giving to, wishing I still had, longing for to miraculously come along- it is exhausting.
A detour to "the high road" would be awesome about now.
So I finish this rant listening to, "Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate because "its not like my feet are stuck to the floor." and i just can't wait to get the hell out of this phase and move onto the next one.
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