if a flame's what it takes to remember my name

It is my hope that in this blog, you occasionally read and think, "that's exactly what I needed to hear" or "thats where I am at" or "i want to remember that if i am in that position" but more importantly, that you find you can follow my ramblings and that you see how the lyrics presented go so hand in hand with the post. Sometimes the thoughts behind the post lead me to the music and sometimes its the other way around. But, they are always meant to be understood together by the reader and if your interpretation is getting lost, then I am losing my direction as a writer. All of these things are welcomed in emails and comments, so do not hesitate to keep giving me the feedback. That's why I write, for the feedback. 

Here's a culmination of several posts (see tagged labels below) and something that's really on my heart.

"this is a call to the color blind.  this is an ‘I-owe-You’.

I'm stranded behind the horizon line, tied up with something true.

Why is it not my time?

What is there more to learn?

      Shed this skin I've been tripping in

Never to quite return

Someday I'll fly, Someday I'll SOAR

              Someday, I'll be SO DAMN MUCH MORE

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

I'm bigger than my body, now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines

And it might be over in a second's time

But I'll gladly go down in a flame.. 

       if a flame's what it takes to remember my name. 

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

This winter has been extremely strange for me. I have had some really emotional highs and some rough, rock bottom emotional lows. I know those highs and lows aren't going away anytime soon. As a friend said to me regarding this law school application process, "Each step of this process has had its challenges and NOW its decision time..." In no way do I intend to ramble about my law school applications, but it's important for where I want to go, so hang in here with me for a second. As I spent several weekends laying around in bed because I was so sick, it's given days feeling well an entirely new brightness.

The decision to pack 3 suitcases and move to Madrid, Spain happened really fast even if it was something I had wanted for years before the Delta flight carried me here in October. I didn't have much time to really consider what I would be DOING. I teach teenagers. I am in a high school with students from all levels of English proficiency and all different backgrounds. With absolutely no education background, I have zero experience to be teaching English to highschoolers in Spain. Daily, I am faced with a question or word that I do not know the answer to. What is the difference in meaning in the sentence, "My mom likes everything including chocolate" and "My mom likes anything including chocolate." Nearly all of the textbooks are British English and I don't recognize some words or phrases or idioms because I speak American English. And for a percentage of my words, they can only be classified as Southern American English. The Californian English teacher that I work with argued with me when I said "I sleep in a bite guard at night." he said, "no, you sleep WITH a bite guard." this argument lasted ten more minutes. I say, you sleep WITH someone, WITH two pillows, but IN socks or IN pajama pants... maybe I just speak incorrectly. I don't know. But there are a lot of days when I think, "jeez, I suck at this job." Students blatantly skip class and do not study or participate or pay attention. The details of whats involved in "teaching English" is only a quarter of my job. The other part of my life here is battling the numerous things that drive me bat crazy, balancing the culture shock of the lackadaisical attitude, and other mounting frustrations unique to Spain but not so different than any other frustrations inherently attached with WORKING.
    All of this juxtaposition-ed against the time I had been dedicating to working on law school applications and carefully crafting beautiful essays that prophetically explained why I was anxiously awaiting an acceptance letter to THAT particular University, was more exhausting than I could properly explain to anyone. I was spending a large amount of emotional and physical energy on thinking about nothing except my future while feeling incredibly trapped in my current moment. I couldn't appropriately connect the two and I couldn't accurately justify how one led to the other or vice versa. For a majority of my mental capactiy, I was dreaming big dreams about what I want to do with my future, what I will do in fifteen years, the goals I have for myself and for my career. Why I want a law degree and what I am going to do with it. These essays took something out of me that I cannot explain. Telling someone, even if its a complete stranger, that you have dreams to change the way people think about genocide, the Holocaust and Human Rights meant for me that one day down the road, if I do not actually accomplish those things, I will be admitting to failure. Seeing these passions on paper scared me because they are the only reason why I have worked so hard. And if "those things" (any of my goals or dreams) are not meant, I will have failed myself, my wonderful support system and the law school that chose to accept me. But, this is big kid life and I am just beginning to grow into it.
    Now that I am out from the umbrella of the application process, I feel like I can breathe easier. But walking with what's become quite a weight on my shoulders of this looming GIGANTIC decision is becoming more difficult.
I know that I am going to miss Spain immensely. I am going to miss all the people that I live here with, who help hold me together just as much as my precious American friends. And while I am trying to make this huge decision, my one goal is to remember the ground beneath my feet.
To appreciate THIS precious moment.
To understand why I am receiving the decisions in this order and how to interpret each school's response.
To gain insight on WHO i AM, who i want TO BE, where I come FROM and where i am GOING.
To work on bettering myself in ways that make me happier, more pleasing as a servant to God, a better daughter, a better friend and a better citizen of this world.
To enjoy the days of sunshine and the days of rain, equally.
To basque in this phase of life, because I will never again hold it in my palms as I am now.

And, that is my challenge to you today, to do the same thing.

Walk this tight rope with me, of keeping your eyes focused on where you are walking, and each individual brick beneath your feet that is leading you there.

throw the careful into crazy

Somehow holidays always sneak up on me. It´s like, I know that the holiday is coming and I know that February fourteenth is just another day, like yesterday was the thirteenth and tomorrow will be the fifteenth, but somehow a holiday makes the entire day FEEL different. After living for several months in a country where most of your holidays aren´t celebrated, I have realized this is even more true than I ever previously thought. Spain doesn´t particularly celebrate Valentine´s Day, and considering that it is 6:30 in the morning here, I have literally no clue what is in store for the rest of my day other than what´s written in my calendar: work and Spanish class. Though I feel it will be difficult to top my Valentine´s Day post from last year (read it here), I would like to make an effort, doing so with less effort.

Listen up: here.

I remember what I was doing last year and how it truly doesnt feel like 365 days have passed.
I remember Valentines Day in high school, waiting to see how many carnations I would get at lunch, who they would be from and what they would say.
Valentines Day in elementary school was always my least favorite, even if there were arts and crafts and chocolate involved. Lets be honest, there was always one kid that I didn´t like and I didn´t think deserved to get a valentine from me. Okay, who am I kidding, there were always at least three or four kids I felt that way about.
I remember a Valentines Day when I walked into a room with my favorite flowers and still, to this day, the most beautiful gerber daisies I have ever seen. I was so happy and I was so in love.
Last year, I was drug to that atrocious Valentine´s Day movie. It wasnt atrocious for any reason other than it was a sappy chick flick, and I strongly dislike these movies. My movie pick this year would be one the what feels like hundreds of Oscar nominees I haven´t yet seen.
I miss those little notes that just say, "hey, I love you!" from a friend stapled to a cheap $1 flower guaranteed to barely survive the entire day.

How should I inspire you today, on a day when you should be bringing to the attention of someone that you love that you love them? Well, unfortunately I don´t have much inspiration, so I am hoping you find some in this wonderful song by Bob Schneider (see some of my favorite lyrics in pink below). It´s my Valentine´s Day gift to you, regardless of if youll be curled up next to someone later, if youll be curled up in your cozy bed with a good book or if youll be spending time with friends and/or some combination of all of the above.

Here´s what I know, most definitively: there is something right about you and me. 
There is no reason to think that this black cloud I feel hanging over me isnt on its way out of town.
When the whole world falls into the sea, Ill still be clutching tightly onto the friendships that I treasure so dearly and that have successfully brought me this far. And we will be living ever after, happily. Of this, I am confident.
Despite creeping fear that its risky, I hope we can spur each other onto diving in whole-heartedly, even if it means potential heartbreak, just for the chance of something great and better than any expectations. Because, let´s DO IT. Come out with me tonight, come out with me baby. Let´s throw the careful into crazy. We can be like, good times that haven´t happened yet, but WILL. We can do what we wanna do.
Hell, make a fire, gotta burn a few...
Dream stealing is no crime. We´ll get there before you know.
Maybe discontentment is born from half-assing it and straddling the middle ground, living in the boring comfort zone. And that´s no good because...

We ain´t got no time to waste, 

we got too much life to taste.