if a flame's what it takes to remember my name

It is my hope that in this blog, you occasionally read and think, "that's exactly what I needed to hear" or "thats where I am at" or "i want to remember that if i am in that position" but more importantly, that you find you can follow my ramblings and that you see how the lyrics presented go so hand in hand with the post. Sometimes the thoughts behind the post lead me to the music and sometimes its the other way around. But, they are always meant to be understood together by the reader and if your interpretation is getting lost, then I am losing my direction as a writer. All of these things are welcomed in emails and comments, so do not hesitate to keep giving me the feedback. That's why I write, for the feedback. 

Here's a culmination of several posts (see tagged labels below) and something that's really on my heart.

"this is a call to the color blind.  this is an ‘I-owe-You’.

I'm stranded behind the horizon line, tied up with something true.

Why is it not my time?

What is there more to learn?

      Shed this skin I've been tripping in

Never to quite return

Someday I'll fly, Someday I'll SOAR

              Someday, I'll be SO DAMN MUCH MORE

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

I'm bigger than my body, now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines

And it might be over in a second's time

But I'll gladly go down in a flame.. 

       if a flame's what it takes to remember my name. 

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

This winter has been extremely strange for me. I have had some really emotional highs and some rough, rock bottom emotional lows. I know those highs and lows aren't going away anytime soon. As a friend said to me regarding this law school application process, "Each step of this process has had its challenges and NOW its decision time..." In no way do I intend to ramble about my law school applications, but it's important for where I want to go, so hang in here with me for a second. As I spent several weekends laying around in bed because I was so sick, it's given days feeling well an entirely new brightness.

The decision to pack 3 suitcases and move to Madrid, Spain happened really fast even if it was something I had wanted for years before the Delta flight carried me here in October. I didn't have much time to really consider what I would be DOING. I teach teenagers. I am in a high school with students from all levels of English proficiency and all different backgrounds. With absolutely no education background, I have zero experience to be teaching English to highschoolers in Spain. Daily, I am faced with a question or word that I do not know the answer to. What is the difference in meaning in the sentence, "My mom likes everything including chocolate" and "My mom likes anything including chocolate." Nearly all of the textbooks are British English and I don't recognize some words or phrases or idioms because I speak American English. And for a percentage of my words, they can only be classified as Southern American English. The Californian English teacher that I work with argued with me when I said "I sleep in a bite guard at night." he said, "no, you sleep WITH a bite guard." this argument lasted ten more minutes. I say, you sleep WITH someone, WITH two pillows, but IN socks or IN pajama pants... maybe I just speak incorrectly. I don't know. But there are a lot of days when I think, "jeez, I suck at this job." Students blatantly skip class and do not study or participate or pay attention. The details of whats involved in "teaching English" is only a quarter of my job. The other part of my life here is battling the numerous things that drive me bat crazy, balancing the culture shock of the lackadaisical attitude, and other mounting frustrations unique to Spain but not so different than any other frustrations inherently attached with WORKING.
    All of this juxtaposition-ed against the time I had been dedicating to working on law school applications and carefully crafting beautiful essays that prophetically explained why I was anxiously awaiting an acceptance letter to THAT particular University, was more exhausting than I could properly explain to anyone. I was spending a large amount of emotional and physical energy on thinking about nothing except my future while feeling incredibly trapped in my current moment. I couldn't appropriately connect the two and I couldn't accurately justify how one led to the other or vice versa. For a majority of my mental capactiy, I was dreaming big dreams about what I want to do with my future, what I will do in fifteen years, the goals I have for myself and for my career. Why I want a law degree and what I am going to do with it. These essays took something out of me that I cannot explain. Telling someone, even if its a complete stranger, that you have dreams to change the way people think about genocide, the Holocaust and Human Rights meant for me that one day down the road, if I do not actually accomplish those things, I will be admitting to failure. Seeing these passions on paper scared me because they are the only reason why I have worked so hard. And if "those things" (any of my goals or dreams) are not meant, I will have failed myself, my wonderful support system and the law school that chose to accept me. But, this is big kid life and I am just beginning to grow into it.
    Now that I am out from the umbrella of the application process, I feel like I can breathe easier. But walking with what's become quite a weight on my shoulders of this looming GIGANTIC decision is becoming more difficult.
I know that I am going to miss Spain immensely. I am going to miss all the people that I live here with, who help hold me together just as much as my precious American friends. And while I am trying to make this huge decision, my one goal is to remember the ground beneath my feet.
To appreciate THIS precious moment.
To understand why I am receiving the decisions in this order and how to interpret each school's response.
To gain insight on WHO i AM, who i want TO BE, where I come FROM and where i am GOING.
To work on bettering myself in ways that make me happier, more pleasing as a servant to God, a better daughter, a better friend and a better citizen of this world.
To enjoy the days of sunshine and the days of rain, equally.
To basque in this phase of life, because I will never again hold it in my palms as I am now.

And, that is my challenge to you today, to do the same thing.

Walk this tight rope with me, of keeping your eyes focused on where you are walking, and each individual brick beneath your feet that is leading you there.

wake me up when September ends

"A southern girl with a scarlet drawl. I wave goodbye to Ma and Pa 'cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view. Soft spoken with a broken jaw. Step outside, but not to brawl. Yeah, autumn's sweet. We call it 'fall.' I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl. Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic, Mr. Know It All." -Red Hot Chili Peppers, Scar Tissue

I spent a decent amount of time the other day dedicated to reading basically all I could get my bear paws on regarding varying strategies, methods, myths and everything out there on the LSAT. I don't know how many readers I have out there that are interesting in taking the LSAT, but let me just tell you a few things about it.
It's a beast. Actually, that's more or less all you really need to know.
I was reading a suggested time-line for studying and under the "one month til test date" link, I read a statement that said something along the lines of this: It's time to crack down. Get serious. Put your social life on hold. Do you think that the highest scorers were caught up on the most recent episodes of Teen Mom? Yeah, right. Put everything else on the back burner and focus exclusively on the LSAT. 
Alright. The LSAT is a gigantic percentage of my stress and my life right now. No doubt about it. That pesky little three digit number will almost solely determine where I am enrolled in law school a year from now. But, put the rest of my life on HOLD for the next 25 days and do nothing except eat, sleep and breathe the LSAT? Seriously??
What about my friends that I am leaving when I flee this country?
What about the few shows I love indulging in- Dance Moms, my new obsession?
What about reading the news, reading books?
What about working on my personal statement, recruiting recommenders, researching schools, requesting information from potential schools and gaging which schools in which countries have the programs I am interested in?
What about working on the house repairs, basic cleaning maintenance and other daily chores that demand time?
What about the fancy gym membership and training I am paying a pretty penny for?
What about running errands like a chicken with my head cut off getting ready to move to Spain?
What about journaling, blogging, Facebook-ing, Pinterest?
What about calls to friends to check in, for them to check in on me and to unwind and laugh together?
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY TO-DO LIST?!
I'm not really up for putting ALL of those things on the back burner.
I didn't realize just exactly how much I juggle, how closely I keep my schedule. And how incredibly poor I am at asking for help when I really could use some.
Yet, simultaneously for the exact sentence I just wrote, I AM ready to say "see ya" to all those other responsibilities. Because this is what I want and I'll do whatever it takes to get there. So some sacrifices have been and are going to be made. Time to get serious. Focus in. So, for the last week, I have been really LSAT-intense. I have been so LSAT-intense actually that I dreamt about it on the two days I didn't study very much because I was in the great city of Tuscaloosa.
Can you imagine if we just wore our "scars" like they do in the music video for the 90's classic, Scar Tissue? If you didn't have to read someone's status, tweet or blog in order to learn what's actually going through their mind? Thank goodness we don't, or we couldn't afford to stand in line at Kroger and say, "hey, how are you" all nonchalantly confident that the response will assuredly be, "I'm fine, thanks, how are you?" even though, you could care LESS about how that woman is. But sometimes, don't you wish you were a little better at boldly saying, "hey, help me out here." or "hey, this is what i've got going on and i need you." i'm an expert at the being needed part (see my above list) but i really suck at being NEEDY. which I am. Because I am human.
I've been wanting to include Scar Tissue in a post for several months since I read the book. I'd highly recommend it. And I'm really looking forward to listening to their new album. Whoohoo.

Ugh, and did I mention its September, my second least favorite month of the year? At least it's starting to cool down outside.I feel like I am running a sprint marathon STRAIGHT uphill. 
One thing at a time.
Breathe. LSAT. Breathe. Repeat. Got it.

regular tourist

i pledge to journal more religiously and to journal especially religiously while i am going through large life transitions. like anytime that i ever revisit my journals, i notice how much is missing and how amazing it is to reread my feelings and thoughts and how far i have come since that moment. after a three hour search party scouring my entire house, i managed to find the two small journals that hold in its pages the stories from my wonderful summer in Spain last year. it's a cool feeling to ask if I will ever see some of those people again and to wonder when I will be back in Spain. it's amazing how it's all come together so gloriously.
i have enjoyed having this blog, but nothing compares to the chronicles of my mistakes, feelings, happenings, choices, contemplations and everything in between. since i journaled for almost 2 hours tonight and finished the journal given to me by a dear friend that I started in April when days were chalk-full of uncertainty, doubt, confusion and insanity, it only seemed appropriate to have a journal-centered post.
writing is so therapeutic. if you don't believe me, you should try it. then you can tell me i am wrong. like every other woman, i love being told that i am wrong. kidding. but seriously, i'd be shocked if you tried it and you didn't agree. consider this a free therapy session where writing for 30 minutes straight is your first homework assignment.

on the front of the second journal is this quote and it will again be relevant on my upcoming extended European journey that can't seem to get here fast enough.

"This European air, it always warms my face.

I will bring you stories and bleary-eyed photos like a regular tourist. 

We don't go breaking down. 

I feel like nothing ever will.

And we'll embrace our time away."

-Athlete, Tourist

nothing like a dream to create your future

I've been wanting to do a post with this clip from a favorite TV Show, Dexter, for a long time. This show is incredibly well done and despite its morbid nature, I am totally addicted to it. Anyways, in this clip, pay attention to the tape this guy is listening to.

Just imagine if that's what you woke up to each morning. The voice of a confident man telling you that WHATEVER you want, you can HAVE. Just, TAKE IT.
"Do you want to have control of your life? You have that power, you just have to learn to use it. You can have all the excuses you want... but if you want something, TAKE IT... it's entirely up to you. The world does not put limitations on what you can have."
The only thing standing in between you and your dream is YOU.
We are our own worst enemy, make no mistake about it.
Doesn’t that make you feel a little responsible? Well, it should.
I had a great aha-moment on Tuesday. It was the exact moment when I realized that I am moving to Spain and doing exactly what I said I wanted to do a year ago. A year ago exactly in fact.
One year ago, I had just said goodbyes to newly made friends and boarded a plane home. I sat in first class and drank a mimosa as I stared out of the window before the plane took off already contemplating how I would get back to that country. By no means am I trying to say, "look at me, i'm awesome, i've got it figured out" because uh, that is not true. at all. BUT I am saying that I hope that you find the courage within yourself to persue something that you want to do. You will find that the second you are actually DOING it, you almost become an entirely new person.
I have known for over a month now that I will be moving to Spain.
It did not become real until very recently. I accepted my official letters of placement, participated in commencement wearing my cap and gown with honors cords proudly and put my 35 page visa application in the mail. As my Dad said goodbye to me at the airport after a whirlwind weekend dubbed "graduation," he said, "this is going to be a crazy 60 days." Driving home I realized, oh my, that's all it is, 60 days. In actuality, it's more like 52 now, and all I have to do is stay focused, stick to my goals and get all my ducks in a row. It’s necessary to make sacrifices in order to achieve what you want. I'm ready to buckle down and do it.
I want to go to law school. Not just ANY law school, but a law school that I want to go to. with a strong international law program, a name of notoriety, an impressive pro-bono program, excellent faculty and staff, a dynamic student body, stellar journal publications and a beautiful campus in a huge city full of opportunities and challenges. That’s what I want.
Unfortunately, in order to do that, I have to take this BEAST they call the LSAT. But, that’s exactly what I am going to do. TAKE IT.

Source: heidiclaire.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

"Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? I can't believe we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that we might have been, could have been, maybe. I can't believe that you would not like to be okay, okay, okay." - Dave Matthews, Lie in Our Graves

Double vodka sprite with not one, but TWO limes

first to 20. Spain versus US
I think it's brilliant to have the light switch on the outside of the door so that when you actually get into the room, the light is on. (1 for Spain)
Elevators do not need to be nearly as huge as they are in the US. (1 for Spain)
I am legitimately concerned about how I am going to live without sweet tea, peanut butter, Chic-Fil-A and queso.  (4 for US)
I enjoy enjoying my meal without the waiter berating me about getting the hell out of the restaurant. (1 for Spain)
Air-conditioning should be the norm and not a privilege. Especially if its over 100 degrees outside. (2 for US)
Daily siestas are pretty sweet. (2 for Spain)
Slim likelihood of getting lime in my drink at a bar and 7 Up instead of Sprite means I might have to find a new drink of choice. Not cool. My double vodka sprite with two limes has gotten me through a lot of good nights. (4 for US)
Walking everyone and public transportation instead of driving. (3 for Spain)
That stupid square comforter instead of "normal" bed linens- sheets and a comforter. (1 for US)
[Uh oh... US is kicking ass right now]
Night owl schedule- dinner at 9 then hit the bars. (1 for Spain)
The inability to get "late-night" ANYWHERE after 10 pm. (1 for US)
Croquettas, sangria, vino verano and healthy, organic, fresh food. Yummm. (3 for Spain)
The ground floor should be ZERO and not ONE. It really doesn't make much sense any other way. And every time I come home from Europe, I get confused. (1 for Spain)
Paying to use the toilet. (1 for US)
Football. Alabama football. (2 for US)
Spanish. (3 for Spain)
Pandora. (1 for US)
Hollywood and TV shows. (1 for US)
The ease of traveling to other top destinations and countries. Extra bonus for Ryan Air cause flights can be less than 10 Euros. (2 for Spain)

Final Score: 21--20
I will give you this confession: I am taking you with me where we can contemplate our chemistry. Your eyes are lined with questions.. I get the feeling we’re so misdirected, I get the feeling we have lost control. We are dropping out into the so unknown. -Jack's Mannequin