Well I met you at the blood bank
We were looking at the bags, wondering if any of the colors matched any of the names we knew on the tags
You said look it that's yours, stacked on top with YOUR BROTHERS.
See how the resemble one another? even in their plastic little covers.
And I said I know it well.
That secret that you know, that you don't know how to tell... well, it fucks with your honor and it teases your head.
But you know that its good girl, 'cause its running you with red.
What's that noise up the stairs baby, is that Christmas morning?
I know it well...
-Bon Iver, Blood Bank
Do you ever think about how similar we are despite our differences? We are beautiful and diverse creatures yet so much the exact same. We fall into patterns and habits and we act so strange. We repeat the same mistakes and forgive too easily just to be hurt next time. We cling to our fortress we build from the last time yet, completely cognizant, let someone sneak in on the side. I don't know quite how to describe where all my thoughts are coming from, other than that the above song has been on my mind. I had a lesson in a class a few years ago about the concept of a blood bank that I have never quite forgotten. Christmas is always a strange time for me. Well always? No, but the last few years for sure. I can't help but thinking about how strange this journey and this path is and how many people have held my hand along the way. How many things have changed and how many things have stayed the exact same. I am not naive enough to think that the world in the USA has been on hold while I have been over here. I am excited to see what I have been missing out on and to share with my dearest friends what adventures I have been on over here also.
My hope is that these secrets we, for whatever reason, have not shared on social media or email or skype have not deadly poisoned something that just a few months ago seemed so pure.
That despite the inability to pause time, through stability, static and change that the same blood runs through our veins. I know it well.
Showing posts with label aha moment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aha moment. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
exchanging my desire for a crystal ball for something so much greater
Long time no see. I would say I am sorry, but I am ridiculously busy with great things so I am not that sorry it turns out. So here is a much-over-due post.
A dear friend's recent proposal sparked a near meltdown about life that i am so craving to be apart of happening without me. I'm such a control freak I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I haven't gotten a chance to do a big post on all the things I am thankful for or talk much on what I have attempted to learn through the book 1000 Gifts. I say "attempted to learn" because I do not have down by any means. in fact, I have a soap box of sorts about learning and the idea that very few things you truly learn. anyways, the past two months at the suggestion of a dear mentor of mine, I decided to begin this book that calls for a way of living where you appreciate essentially each and every second as something to be thankful to God for. The author challenges you to make a list and go past 1000. I am on number 361. Last year, I was driving in my car with my favorite songs playing and I had an awakening that instead of fretting and complaining about the future that I must chose to be thankful for the journey. this year, I am still practicing being thankful for the journey instead of bitching that I do not have a crystal ball. Still most days I would splurge big time for that crystal ball. Perhaps it is because a majority of my epiphanys occur in my car or in the shower it seems I have not had one in quite some time. my shower is less of a shower and more like a struggling dripping faucet so my morning showers last less than two songs. I haven't seen my car in over 90 days. But a few days ago, walking through the city and listening intently to her sounds while reading an email I felt joy rush through my body at something so simple: a new email. If you are truly a religious fan of my writings and you read my other blog, perhaps you picked up before on how much the various forms of communication make me feel connected and not like I'm standing on the other side of the world, but really. I am thankful for that email and all the emails that fill my inbox. So while my thanksgiving post last year was about a huge abstract idea, this post is about a collection of the smallest seemingly insignificant things that actually mean so much. This entire experience of living here has been about teaching me to be thankful for the little things. it's so easy to be thankful for a pretty day with perfect weather and the sun shining and hard to be thankful for the fog, rain and nasty weather. here are a few examples of the things I am thankful for that you may not have even thought twice about. it's my hope that this post inspires you to not think of thanksgiving as over and that it's Christmas time but to remember that giving-thanks is everyday, all year round and is a continuous state of mind instead of a dinner celebration that comes the third Thursday of the month.
cash back
waking up early
the satisfying feeling of productivity
jeans that feel looser
taking new shoes out of the box for the first time
the words "i love you" sometimes so insufficient and sometimes exactly what you need to be reminded of
houndstooth
the last sip of coffee that is always the sweetest
soap boxes
being completely enamored with a book
the moment when you actually can feel "the wheels" working inside your brain as your fingers fly across the keyboard
english tshirts on someone who most likely doesnt speak english
postcards
the doorbell ringing
a good bottle of wine
pockets
bright lipstick
a pokerface
the smell of gasoline
sheets of ice glistening under the sun
successfully talking and listening at the same
the crackling noise of a bonfire
hot french fries
rollarcoasters- figurative ones and the real thing
the little kisses on my calf that grey gives me
happy hour
porch swings
mercy
locks on doors
going someplace completely new without getting lost
the feeling of newspaper on your fingers
steam on the mirror
that food in the pantry you know you will never eat
the sound of a key turning a lock
catching a button before it falls off
my passport
elephants
making eye contact with a stranger
photocopies that are still warm from the machine
a dishwasher
shoes that are cute AND comfortable
all forms of carbohydrates
cookies fresh out of the oven
A dear friend's recent proposal sparked a near meltdown about life that i am so craving to be apart of happening without me. I'm such a control freak I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I haven't gotten a chance to do a big post on all the things I am thankful for or talk much on what I have attempted to learn through the book 1000 Gifts. I say "attempted to learn" because I do not have down by any means. in fact, I have a soap box of sorts about learning and the idea that very few things you truly learn. anyways, the past two months at the suggestion of a dear mentor of mine, I decided to begin this book that calls for a way of living where you appreciate essentially each and every second as something to be thankful to God for. The author challenges you to make a list and go past 1000. I am on number 361. Last year, I was driving in my car with my favorite songs playing and I had an awakening that instead of fretting and complaining about the future that I must chose to be thankful for the journey. this year, I am still practicing being thankful for the journey instead of bitching that I do not have a crystal ball. Still most days I would splurge big time for that crystal ball. Perhaps it is because a majority of my epiphanys occur in my car or in the shower it seems I have not had one in quite some time. my shower is less of a shower and more like a struggling dripping faucet so my morning showers last less than two songs. I haven't seen my car in over 90 days. But a few days ago, walking through the city and listening intently to her sounds while reading an email I felt joy rush through my body at something so simple: a new email. If you are truly a religious fan of my writings and you read my other blog, perhaps you picked up before on how much the various forms of communication make me feel connected and not like I'm standing on the other side of the world, but really. I am thankful for that email and all the emails that fill my inbox. So while my thanksgiving post last year was about a huge abstract idea, this post is about a collection of the smallest seemingly insignificant things that actually mean so much. This entire experience of living here has been about teaching me to be thankful for the little things. it's so easy to be thankful for a pretty day with perfect weather and the sun shining and hard to be thankful for the fog, rain and nasty weather. here are a few examples of the things I am thankful for that you may not have even thought twice about. it's my hope that this post inspires you to not think of thanksgiving as over and that it's Christmas time but to remember that giving-thanks is everyday, all year round and is a continuous state of mind instead of a dinner celebration that comes the third Thursday of the month.
cash back
waking up early
the satisfying feeling of productivity
jeans that feel looser
taking new shoes out of the box for the first time
the words "i love you" sometimes so insufficient and sometimes exactly what you need to be reminded of
houndstooth
the last sip of coffee that is always the sweetest
soap boxes
being completely enamored with a book
the moment when you actually can feel "the wheels" working inside your brain as your fingers fly across the keyboard
english tshirts on someone who most likely doesnt speak english
postcards
the doorbell ringing
a good bottle of wine
pockets
bright lipstick
a pokerface
the smell of gasoline
sheets of ice glistening under the sun
successfully talking and listening at the same
the crackling noise of a bonfire
hot french fries
rollarcoasters- figurative ones and the real thing
the little kisses on my calf that grey gives me
happy hour
porch swings
mercy
locks on doors
going someplace completely new without getting lost
the feeling of newspaper on your fingers
steam on the mirror
that food in the pantry you know you will never eat
the sound of a key turning a lock
catching a button before it falls off
my passport
elephants
making eye contact with a stranger
photocopies that are still warm from the machine
a dishwasher
shoes that are cute AND comfortable
all forms of carbohydrates
cookies fresh out of the oven
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
but they did and so did i that day
As a very typical me move, I told a boy in high school before we ever started dating that this song, Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie haunted me. I told him that I refused for us to have some meaningless, friends with benefits relationship that ended up in one of us hurt and identifying with these lyrics' story that disturbed me. In a mood for the depressing yet deep music unique to Death Cab on my long drive a few days ago, something compelled me not to skip this song, but to listen to it instead. Immediately the first line grabbed my attention and I ended up listening to it in its entirety several times. When the aha moment came, I thought, 'I might just cry over this.' Shortly after this thought as I allowed the words to slowly fill my entire body, an unexpected emotion came. Oddly, I was excited, because a good cry has been a long time coming. When tears caught behind my eyes and refused to formulate and fall, I was frustrated.
Instead, this "aha moment" resulted in me just being completely shocked and amazed at myself. Almost like I couldnt think about the girl from high school who so boldly stated no boy would ever listen to Tiny Vessels and think of her simultaneously contrasted against the girl who woke up and realized that's indeed without a doubt, precisely what had happened. Miraculously, I managed to walk away unscathed. I suppose this added to the shock of the enlightened moment. One would think such a realization would result in tears. Now that its 2 am, I am returning to these thoughts to test their clarity. But I suppose that if you build a home in your heart with rotten wood that decayed from the start, then you can't find nothing at all if there was nothing there all along (Crooked Teeth, DCFC). So in attempts of not plastering intricacies of what belongs in my journal on my blog, I'll leave you with the lyrics and the warning that, you just never know when life will sneak up on you and a wall you thought was cemented into place had begun to crumble when it wasn't so well maintained. Which ultimately, may not be a bad thing at all.
"this is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her, but you dont. you touch her skin and then you think, 'yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.' i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking as we moved together in the dark. all the friends that i was telling, all the playful misspellings, every bite i gave that left a mark. and tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade. but they did and so did i that day.
all i see are dark, grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. so when you ask, 'is something wrong?' i think, 'you're damn right there is. but we can't talk about it now. no, we can't talk about it now.' So one last touch, and then we'll go. and we'll pretend it meant something so much more. but it was vile. and it was cheap. and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me. yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me." -Death Cab for Cutie, Tiny Vessels
Instead, this "aha moment" resulted in me just being completely shocked and amazed at myself. Almost like I couldnt think about the girl from high school who so boldly stated no boy would ever listen to Tiny Vessels and think of her simultaneously contrasted against the girl who woke up and realized that's indeed without a doubt, precisely what had happened. Miraculously, I managed to walk away unscathed. I suppose this added to the shock of the enlightened moment. One would think such a realization would result in tears. Now that its 2 am, I am returning to these thoughts to test their clarity. But I suppose that if you build a home in your heart with rotten wood that decayed from the start, then you can't find nothing at all if there was nothing there all along (Crooked Teeth, DCFC). So in attempts of not plastering intricacies of what belongs in my journal on my blog, I'll leave you with the lyrics and the warning that, you just never know when life will sneak up on you and a wall you thought was cemented into place had begun to crumble when it wasn't so well maintained. Which ultimately, may not be a bad thing at all.
"this is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her, but you dont. you touch her skin and then you think, 'yeah she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.' i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking as we moved together in the dark. all the friends that i was telling, all the playful misspellings, every bite i gave that left a mark. and tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade. but they did and so did i that day.
all i see are dark, grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour. so when you ask, 'is something wrong?' i think, 'you're damn right there is. but we can't talk about it now. no, we can't talk about it now.' So one last touch, and then we'll go. and we'll pretend it meant something so much more. but it was vile. and it was cheap. and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me. yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me." -Death Cab for Cutie, Tiny Vessels
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