just by folding a map

for the last year and a half, this blog has been a refuge to spill about things in life that confuse, perplex, astound, amaze and impress me. i am continuously surprised at the random people that tell me they read these ramblings, much less when i hear they feel where i am coming from. i am hoping that this next string of thoughts finds you either on my same page, or with the ability to leave a comment that says, "steph, i love you, but you're crazy."
perhaps, it will leave you thinking both, which i am perfectly content with.

In one of the first Death Cab songs I ever fell in love with, Ben Gibbard expresses, "So, this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different. 

The clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance. 

So, this is the new year. 

And I have no resolutions. 

It's selfish, I panic from problems with easy solutions...

I wish the world was flat like the old days, 

so that I could travel just by folding a map. 

No more airplanes or speedways, 

there'd be no distance that could hold us back. 

There'd be no distance that could hold us back."

Since I boarded the plane to come back to Spain, I cannot shake this feeling that I have been so strictly forced to choose. I hate that I have to choose HERE or THERE. That I am incapable of doing a decent job of reconciling both worlds that are each so important to me, so dear to my heart, so ME. Unable to clear these thoughts from my head, all day at work today (which happened to be particularly frustrating as luck would have it) all I could think was, "what the fuck am I doing here?!" I feel that everything I am doing here is wrong. Not that me actually being here is wrong, but that what I am actually DOING here is wrong.
My priorities are so absurdly out of line.
As Dave would say it, "what I want is what I've not got and what I need is all around me." What I want to be spending time on is not how I am actually spending my time at all, whatsoever. What I want to be learning, seeing, doing is what always seems to get the back burner. This is where the "problems with easy solutions" line comes into play. Well then, I think to myself, I will re-prioritize. I will re-invent this side of my life. I will RESOLVE to get things in order. I will think about how i WANT to spend my day and spend it THAT way. But it's not so easy. I have committed to things, I have made promises, I have tied myself down and I have found that this free bird has actually become acutely aware of the cage she built. Even if that cage is just until July.
I am confident this feeling will be shaken when I have settled back into my routine and I am not on hyper-sensitive mode to the strangeness of things here, the bizarreness of a grueling job i never saw myself having, the inability to see how this is relevant to training i want or need and that my entire mentality is different. but for a girl who appreciates vulnerability and has promised to be a messenger of a variety of emotions and topics, this is one of those posts that's just not quite as colorful as the others.

suck it up, suck it up

Source: verblife.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

admittedly, i've sort of been putting off doing a blog post on this subject, though i have felt it looming over me like a ceiling fan. i had a great epiphany at the beginning of the summer. this epiphany was that my ideal answer to the constant obnoxious, "what are doing after you graduate" question was "working on myself." i had big goals for this summer. i wanted to dive back into regularly attending church, get a mentor to study the Bible with me so that I would start chatting with the Big Man upstairs again. i wanted to get in shape. not saying that i needed to lose weight, but instead to gain a sense of athleticism. i wanted muscle definition and endurance of some kind. the ability to run a mile and not completely feel like dying. i wanted to do some soul searching, traveling, job hunting, studying, reading of good books and relevant news articles. i also wanted to enjoy some time relaxing, breathing and in the company of dear friends. remarkably, i think i did almost all of these things. granted, all of these items are still VERY MUCH so a work in progress, i did indeed manage to start tackling all of them. individually AND simultaneously. i think i deserve a pat on the back for this.
focusing in on the idea of "working out," bear with me. this is something i have NEVER enjoyed. field day was my LEAST favorite day of the year in elementary school BY FAR. in fact, i distinctly remember one day, my mom got the newsletter and said, "oh, stephanie, field day is next Friday. are you going to be sick around Thursday night?" my response included a quick cough and "yeah, Mom, now that you mention it, I might feel something coming on right now. DON'T MAKE ME GO!" i was never picked on teams, i was the last person to finish "running" the mile even when it wasn't a race and i thought that sweating was stupid. ALL of this is behind me ladies and gentlemen. it's definitely still something i do not enjoy, but i DO like the definition i recently acquired in my legs and arms. i love walking by a mirror and thinking, "oh, i don't look so bad" even though i am home alone and have absolutely no one to impress.
you're your toughest critic.
if you want something, go out there and get it.
if you want some change to occur in your life, figure out how to tackle it and see to it that the change becomes a habit. it's incredible what you can do when you really put your mind to it. let me just tell you!
go get 'em tiger.
guess who is one step closer to a beach body and one step closer to winter with multiple layers of clothing? THIS GIRL.

Source: searchingforbliss.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

and major props if you caught the tile as a Dave reference. it was an accident. it happens.

nothing like a dream to create your future

I've been wanting to do a post with this clip from a favorite TV Show, Dexter, for a long time. This show is incredibly well done and despite its morbid nature, I am totally addicted to it. Anyways, in this clip, pay attention to the tape this guy is listening to.

Just imagine if that's what you woke up to each morning. The voice of a confident man telling you that WHATEVER you want, you can HAVE. Just, TAKE IT.
"Do you want to have control of your life? You have that power, you just have to learn to use it. You can have all the excuses you want... but if you want something, TAKE IT... it's entirely up to you. The world does not put limitations on what you can have."
The only thing standing in between you and your dream is YOU.
We are our own worst enemy, make no mistake about it.
Doesn’t that make you feel a little responsible? Well, it should.
I had a great aha-moment on Tuesday. It was the exact moment when I realized that I am moving to Spain and doing exactly what I said I wanted to do a year ago. A year ago exactly in fact.
One year ago, I had just said goodbyes to newly made friends and boarded a plane home. I sat in first class and drank a mimosa as I stared out of the window before the plane took off already contemplating how I would get back to that country. By no means am I trying to say, "look at me, i'm awesome, i've got it figured out" because uh, that is not true. at all. BUT I am saying that I hope that you find the courage within yourself to persue something that you want to do. You will find that the second you are actually DOING it, you almost become an entirely new person.
I have known for over a month now that I will be moving to Spain.
It did not become real until very recently. I accepted my official letters of placement, participated in commencement wearing my cap and gown with honors cords proudly and put my 35 page visa application in the mail. As my Dad said goodbye to me at the airport after a whirlwind weekend dubbed "graduation," he said, "this is going to be a crazy 60 days." Driving home I realized, oh my, that's all it is, 60 days. In actuality, it's more like 52 now, and all I have to do is stay focused, stick to my goals and get all my ducks in a row. It’s necessary to make sacrifices in order to achieve what you want. I'm ready to buckle down and do it.
I want to go to law school. Not just ANY law school, but a law school that I want to go to. with a strong international law program, a name of notoriety, an impressive pro-bono program, excellent faculty and staff, a dynamic student body, stellar journal publications and a beautiful campus in a huge city full of opportunities and challenges. That’s what I want.
Unfortunately, in order to do that, I have to take this BEAST they call the LSAT. But, that’s exactly what I am going to do. TAKE IT.

Source: heidiclaire.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

"Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? I can't believe we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that we might have been, could have been, maybe. I can't believe that you would not like to be okay, okay, okay." - Dave Matthews, Lie in Our Graves

Cain and Abel sitting at the breakfast table

Progress is one of those words that means what it sounds like; it's an onomatopoeia. A few days ago, a woman and I were chatting casually and exchanging hatred for almost every male out there. She said that she is a practicing Buddist and believes that sometimes the Universe ultimately makes decisions for us to set us back on the right path when we have gotten off track. Or something like that. I was in a hurry and couldn't finish that conversation but I hope some day to be able to dive into that topic a lot deeper. Several days later, I realize that this "universal direction-guiding" regardless of who you think is to thank, is ultimately CHANGE. 
More often than I admit out loud, I find myself lamenting over the past or friendships that have experienced rough twists and turns or vanished. This lamentation isn't in hatred, it's in love. And it's human. It doesn't mean that there is blame there or that I have deeply rooted regrets or grudges that I cannot let go of. In attempting to describe what I mean exactly, I'll borrow these words from Josh Kelley. "I'm sick of chasing after things. I'd rather them chase after me, keeping up is bound to wear me down. There's a million ways to skin a cat; I put my choices in a hat. Picked a few and threw the bad ones out. So if you want me, you better knock me down. Cause I ain't easy and this ain't hallowed ground. I've been thinking about ole Cain and Able sitting at a breakfast table, talking about the way things use to be. Abel looked at Cain and said, 'all that shit was in your head.' I'd like to think Cain was hard to please."
I don't know why I think that mental image is so poetic. But I am just imagining sitting across the breakfast table with anyone I've ever crossed paths with, nonchalantly speaking about what exactly happened between us. Sharing with one another precisely where there was hurt, blame, disappointment, forgiveness. The word enemy is so strong, but there are certainly a select few people from the past few years that chaos, drama and emotions run pretty deep. My mind doesn't fill with memories or thoughts of them daily by any means, but when it does, it's interesting to feel at peace with it all now. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Even if I am still clueless to what that reason was. Because that happened, I got here. And now I'm on this incredible new branch of my journey that is going to lead to a lot of new and crazier things. 
I am beginning a really hardcore stance on DISTANCE. I think that distance between two people is all relative. One of my dear friend's Facebook quotes under her profile picture the first three years I knew her was "laughter is the closest distance between two people." And I believe those words to be true. Who knows how my friendships will continue to change as I stretch them by moving to a completely different continent. I hope that the friends that support me and love me the most will stick by my side and make the effort necessary to maintain our friendship for hundreds of years to come. I love a lot of people but I don't love doing all the work and getting beat up all the time. Those days are over for me. So, if you want me, you better knock me down. As Dave says, "Why worry? Changes have come and changes will come again." 

they'll only be there til you're dead, so DREAM.

“Go CONFIDENTLY in the direction of your dreams! 

Live the life you’ve imagined” –Thoreau

Every morning when I sat up in my bed in my old apartment, the wall facing me held a canvas with the above quote. Naturally, I got use to its presence, so it didn't always serve the purpose of encouraging me to follow my dreams and do what I want to do, taking whatever steps I needed to get there. That's not easy to do. 
I've taken on a deep adoration for Fleetwood Mac's line,

 "Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?"
 I do. I have A LOT of dreams I'd like to sell. 
It surely would make things easier. 

Walking through the streets two weeks ago, I stumbled upon a group of musicians who were passionately playing this awesome music. These men were smiling, so incredibly happy to be doing what they loved. I stood and watched in awe as i let these thoughts settle over me. They had a HUGE crowd gathered around to watch and listen. People from the surrounding streets were  eager to join these talented individuals sharing their passion with others. there was this magnetic energy surrounding these guys and it was thrilling to watch. After several minutes, I walked away and continued onto my intended destination. Astoundingly, when I walked by five hours later, these guys were still at it. There was still a sizable circle around them, eyes glued with smiles painted on their faces. A few kids were even dancing along. I firmly believe that even if there hadn't been almost 100 people standing there, this group would have still been playing proudly with just as much energy. What a statement! 

Street musicians are generally looked down on, ignored, seen as a nuissance or whatever. There are huge misconceptions about poverty across the world. But I have a new-found appreciation for these musicians and the artists you see. Who knows, maybe they could be a lawyer or doctor but choose to do this because it's what their passionate about. More power to them. Since I can't sell my dreams or manage to forget about them, I will take a lesson from these guys and trust that if I do something I love, I will be happy. I will draw others to me as well. Everything else will fall in line after that.

A few days ago, I encountered a woman who pointedly questioned my intelligence, my background, my family and in the process insulted me more deeply than I have ever been insulted before. She boldly argued that I had no dreams and that if I did have dreams, I would be walking toward them on a straight and narrow path. I beg to differ. I do not think that the path is straight. Well, at least not any interesting path. I think my path has curves, bridges, waterfalls, concrete, yellow bricks and will lead me all kinds of adventures. Dreams are like the road signs that guide you and get you to wherever you want to be  headed. Luckily for this woman, I started thinking about the dreams that I have had throughout my life. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Or more specifically, one day my six year-old self  told my mother, "a dancing pig doctor." As a kid, I would play teacher for hours on end by myself upstairs. True. Thanks for almost 11 years of dancing, choreographing, directing plays, stage managing and acting, I would do anything to be on Broadway. Ever since my first trip to Paris, I've wanted to travel the world. Every summer day for several years, I watched ER at 10 am and 11 am which made me want to be an ER surgeon like George Clooney. With my mission trips and commitment to the refugees in Vienna, Austria, it is a deeply rooted dream of mine to support that mission monthly from my own paycheck. Languages captivate me. I dream of being bilingual and raising my children bilingual. 

In the scene between the window frame 
Where the jackals preyed on every soul
Where they tied you to a pole 
And stripped you of your clothes
I was a dreamer, staring at windows
Out onto the main street cause that's where the dream goes
And each time they found fresh meat to chew
I would turn away and return to you
You would offer me your unmade bed
Feed me till I'm fed, read me till I'm read
But when the morning came
You would catch me at the window again...
And when I got older, when I grew bolder
Out onto the streets I flew
Released from your shackles
I danced with the jackals
And learned a new way to move
So before you take this song as truthYou should wonder what I'm taking from you, how I benefit from you being here
Lending me your ears while I'm selling you my fears...

-Becoming A Jackel, Villagers

I realize that my dreams have changed a lot if I think about the different ones that I have had over my lifetime, but I have not forgotten them. "Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til your dead. So dream, little darling, DREAM." (Dave Matthews) I have gone from thinking about them in almost a fantasizing manner [staring out of windows onto the street where the dreams go] to actually realizing them- BECOMING these dreams [out onto the street i flew, released from your shackels, i danced with the jackals], one step at a time.  

I cannot forget them, I cannot sell them, so I must ensure that I am actively, passionately and CONFIDENTLY chasing my dreams. I will ensure that I am supporting my friends and encouraging them to do the same. Let's stop staring out of the window and join in!

how it all fits together. your love, i mean, AND your life.

“Let me tell you a little something about love. It’s different every time. It’s nothing more than a chemical reaction, an arrow over an equation, but the elements change. The most fragile kind of love is that between a man and a woman. Chemistry, again; if you introduce a new element, you never know how stable the original bond is. You may wind up with a new union, with something left behind. I believe you can fall in love many times with many different people. However I don’t think that you can fall in love the same way twice. One type of relationship may be steady. Another can be fire and brimstone. Who is to say if one of these is better than the other? The deciding factor is how it all fits together. Your love, I mean, and your life.” –Jodi Picoult, Songs of The Humpback Wale (Joley)

This is something I've been thinking about recently. Combining talents and passions in a way that glorifies the One who gave them to you. Combining your talents and passions in a way that brings happiness but that doesn't involve waiting around until something better comes around. I don't have anything figured out really. I believe that that's okay. I think I will always be growing and learning. But I think that what I am passionate about, what I love has been revealed to me and now it's my job to figure out whatever path I end up on, I am putting the pieces together in a way that fits my love into my life. Because after all, what more is there? (yes, that was a Dave reference to Pig) I'm not talking about a romantic love. I'm not really in love like that right now, per se. I haven't been in love in a long time. But I love a lot of things. I love a lot of people. Sometimes I shouldn't love the things that I do (ie Vodka/Sprite) and sometimes I shouldn't love the people that I do. Yet, at the end of the day, I depend on people doing the same for me. I'm rambling, so I'll get to the point. One more piece of inspiration: what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what gets you out of bed in the mornings, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you. fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. - pedro arrupe

This is what I want you to think about. Please share. What do you love? Who do you love? And how are you combining the two? Do one thing every day to ensure that love is driving your life in order to ensure that it's one worth living. 

a king of man? it makes no sense.

“It’s not that I believe, exactly. It’s just that, as with most acts of faith, I can’t afford not to.” –Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts

You know, every once in a while I am suddenly struck with how ridiculous "the story" is, the gospel that many of us have built our entire lives around. I can't decide if the ridiculousness makes it easier to justify worshipping Him or if the ridiculousness makes it harder to believe. It's nice on days like this to be reminded of the whole thing- from start to finish. The prophets said He was coming, He was born to a carpenter, He knocked over tables in a synagogue, turned water into wine, fed 5,000 with a few loaves of bread, healed the sick, and preached words that have sustained generations and will continue for years to come. He sat in the garden of Gesthsemane ready for the next step. Then came the arrest, trial and death. And from the grave He rose VICTORIOUSLY.

I've been thinking about the Jews, the enduring antisemitism, what role they played in the crucifixion, the "stories" that I was taught in Sunday School and how differently many faiths that are based on biblical stories and Jesus are celebrating Easter today, how history has changed those celebrations. For someone who's been completely inundated with such a foundation of the Bible, I am finding I know very little. What's that quote, the more I learn, the less I know? I am really looking forward to finding answers to the questions nagging at me that I do not have the time to dive into these days. So, faithful readers, I just wanted to warn you that posts are to follow on a great exploration of religious philosophy.

Of the many things that I love about Dave Matthew's lyrics, I love the random lines that speak to his doubts on God, religion, and Jesus. From Why I Am (blog title) to The Last Stop, he poses questions that are worthy of thinking about any day, especially Easter. Christmas Song outlines the whole story and reminds me, even with cynicism, his sacrifice was all about: love. "The people He knew were less than golden-hearted. Gamblers and robbers, drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers. Like you, and me. Searching for love, love, love."

i count the steps from where i am to where i started

these empty halls held our disease before we caught it.

what a poetic way of putting it. i'm also a fan of the "slow dancing in a burning room" by John Mayer. i cannot stop listening to Andrew Belle. I thought maybe this obsession would pass, but it's just worsening. He needs a new album asap. I can let him have my journals to inspire some more lyrics that I feel like he writes intimately about my life. I love this guy. I'm serious. Okay, now to the post.

I was having an intellectual conversation with a dear friend from high school last weekend to satisfy a longing for one. I get these intellectual conversation itches that few people care to indulge me in. But, I am deeply grateful for those that do. When someone is up for one on the Holocaust, time and place I am there.
Anyway, we were talking about phases of life. It's odd how if a book ends poorly, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth for the entire book, regardless of how much you liked the majority of it. When one chapter ends unexpectedly, or not how you would prefer, that's when you have to remember that you are not the author but instead the reader. You have to pick it back up and keep reading. Eventually, you realize why that was written the way it was, and you're not upset about it anymore. As Death Cab puts it, "when memories of me seem more like bad dreams."

I am a pro memory-holder-onto-er. But in thinking about the importance and uniqueness of each "phase," event, memory, moment, I've made an outstanding distinction. No one particular event, person, tragedy, dramatic episode, accomplishment, test, disaster, hook up, break-up, embarrassing moment, group project or professor will stand out over another. All of these things have encompassed my collegiate experience, or as referred to by some, the "best four years of my life." However, I'd like to argue (as stated in my prophecy I do quite a bit of) that every phase of life is going to be sweet in its own way. Each letter forming words that create strings of sentences to slowly piece together a huge story. It's my job to make sure that story is one of love with no regrets.

I loved taking naps in kindergarten, but I'd really rather not go back to learning how to read. Talk about room for embarrassing moments! I thoroughly enjoyed the breathing exercise that we use to do as a cast before competition play practice or the massages after a long run-through. But if tomorrow, someone appeared with the option to go back to GAC uniforms, regulations, Dr. Morris and busy work, I would mull it over and kindly reply, "no that's okay. I'll stay right here." This is how I want to think about college. I am not terrified of this G-word, ggggradduatttion. I am thrilled for it. I worked too hard for that day to be filled with depressing terror of what's to come and that my world as I know it has ended. So, I'm done with feeling guilty.

Maybe cyncism has creeped in too deeply, and maybe I am just excited for change. Maybe I do love the idea of an "open door" a little too much and that my shaking for my running shoes is catching up with me with remarkably great timing (for once). But, there is no reason to fret. I remember thinking that fifth grade graduation was the end of the world as I bawled hysterically walking the halls of the elementary school. What a joke. At the time, I was legitimately concerned. The very idea of junior high was filled with unknowns and rumors that you had to write in cursive for each class. In retrospect, I don't think I have ever been forced to write in cursive, ever. In fact, much of the time it's the opposite.

I thought I would never speak to those friends again. Those friends that mattered then (actually mattered), still matter now. I don't just still talk to them, I love them even more now than ever. One of whom I called a hot crying mess a few days ago. He gave me a solution and said he'd have vodka waiting for me as soon as I entered Roswell.

I have great friends that have gotten me to this point, gotten me through all kinds of shit and will continue to be there. When they fade (if they do), new faces will surface to help hold me together. Thank you Facebook, blogspot, Twitter, Skype and the not-so-glorious "network" for reassuring me that whoever I want to stay in touch with that wants to stay in touch with me will have plenty of tools for doing so at their fingertips. Though, it is natural at an event as emotional as Senior chapter or intense questioning about post-graduation plans to have "back and forth and in between like my emotion" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves) I'm standing solidly on optimism. When my eyes scan the printed words of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" I have by my mirror, I am reminded that I have great things waiting for me. Whatever the hell those may be. We ALL do. Regardless of what phase of life we are on. I can't wait to travel to Thailand, to live in Europe, to live in NY, to deposit my first 4 digit paycheck, to stand proudly as a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding, to frame my master's degree, to hold my father's shaking hand walking down an aisle of my own, to order business cards that have impressive credentials following my last name, to fall so deeply in love no words can describe the feelings, to win my first trial, to support Reggy and the shelter monthly, to have an excuse to eat cake nonstop all day long because I am pregnant, to run a complete mile without decrepitating exhaustion, to sign the line with my name signifying I own my own house, to look at my first born in a face that resembles my own...

Who knows which of those things will occur and in what order, perhaps all of them will. I refuse to be convinced that at 22, I have expended the best years of my life. Regardless of how wonderful those 22 years have been lived. As "I count the steps from where I am, to where I started" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves), what an insane journey its been. But I am leaving it, regardless of whose permission I have or have not received and going onto something equally great, just great in a different way.

All things are good in their own time. And for this, it is time. As I painted on a canvas as a gift for a friend freshman year, it's time to return to a bumper-sticker inspiration. In the next three weeks, I will live it up and drink it down. Laugh it off, avoid bull shit and take chances, without regrets because at one point, everything was exactly what I wanted.
What I really needed was to reminded last week that "I am the captain of this ship, curious hands and fingertips. It's for no one but me to say what direction I shall turn in now." (Dave Matthews, Captain)

the space between your heart and mine

from ten different angles, i need this song to be repeatedly said to me. otherwise, all my faith is evaporating quicker than i can type this out.
"you cannot quit me so quickly. there's no hope in you for me. no corner you could squeeze me. but i got all the time for you, love. the space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more. but will i hold you again?
we waste the hours with talking, talking. 
they're twisted games we're playing.
we're strange allies with warring hearts
look at us, spinning out in the madness of a ROLLAR COASTER. you know you went off like the devil in a church in the middle of a crowded room.
all we can do my love is hope it don't take this ship down.
the space between where you're smiling high is where you'll find me if i get to go.
the space between the bullets in our firefight is where i'll be hiding, waiting for you.
the space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain.
take my hand, cause we're walking out of here. oh, right outta here.
LOVE is all we need here. the space between what's wrong and right is where you find me hiding waiting for you. the space between your heart and mine is a space we'll fill with time." -Dave Matthews
because "I was born in the arms of imaginary friends. Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been. Then, you come on crashin' in like the realest thing. Try my best to understand all that your love can bring. Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time." -John Mayer

asldkfhaio;weurhlakjsdg = feelings. but it's Sunday and I always blog on Sundays. So i choose two songs I have had on repeat the past few weeks and the first Sommee card I stumbled upon that caught my eye because its funny and shockingly too applicable. a post on commitment, trust, lack of trust, decisions, confusion and hard work with irony coming soon. promise.
i am SO overwhelmed with thoughts, i can't even journal about it. #thatbad

all that remains is a place where you no longer are, this is goodbye

"I've been searching deep down in my soul, words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I'm starting all over again. The last three years were just pretend and I said, goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine." -Michelle Branch 
has it really been 20 days since i last posted?? wow.
today, i am stuck on a word. just one word. goodbye.
there is a song written by greg laswell that I have not been able to stop playing, it's soothing and its lyrics are captivating and somehow, it hasn't been applicable until today. this post is going to be ALL over the place so take from it the piece you find that you can relate to and take the rest as my rambling. with goodbye typed into itunes so Greg Laswell's Goodbye could play on repeat, I heard other favorites and I started really thinking, hence inspiring the rest of my hectic world to stop spinning long enough for deep thought and posting.
i've always thought the best medicine for almost any situation was speaking your mind and throwing out your opinion. being told you're wrong is healthy because sometimes you simply are. but there is a lot to be said between the different shades of "goodbye." as i've referenced in previous posts, i have chastised myself for being overly forgiving and for my inability to give up on people. this is a rough combo and though good character traits, perhaps aren't the smartest, safest or best for a number of reasons. so today is about saying goodbye. goodbye to some dreams that i cannot accomplish overnight, to some goals that are unrealistic. to a class that i didn't need to take. to an old self that would have handled herself differently. goodbye to my "say goodbye" attitude inspired by Dave Matthews that has protected me for two solid years.
goodbye is in order for some items on my mental lists meaning a complete disappearance where only faint traces can be found later. goodbye, synonymous with goodbye for good. permanent. closure. letting go.
goodbye is in order for other words written on this mental list that indicates a change. like a goodbye to that, and hello to its new form. a better, refreshed, renewed version.
there is a goodbye that is meaningless, carrying no weight which is only uttered out loud because its a habit. "love to have you with me, almost all the time. life just isnt like that, at least not mine. there's no need for hello, there's little reason for goodbye. never need to miss you 'cause you're always on my mind." - Shannon McNally
and goodbye is the exact opposite of other importance things i have going on, exciting things that i'm saying hello to. hello to open mindedness, hello to the unknown and to making the most of each second. hello to familiar faces sprinkled across my path on campus. hello to old friends i cherish time with. hello to opportunities. hello to trying on a cap and gown. hello self-control and will power. hello irony. Hey baby, hey baby hey.
Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go.

"You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you, from where I sit, you're one of a kind. Relationships I don't know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind. I've been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love protection. What do you say, honey, come to my defense. I stand up for you if its what you need. I got deep desire and it needs quenching, I think that's pretty plain for you to see." -Griffin House

the love you got is surely all the love i would ever need

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

 –Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, Maxim 76

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 

 

Please, take my hand. 

Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.

It's so simple and you know it is.

Just say yes.

Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 

For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.

expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson

rediscovery is a beautiful thing

Come out, no use in hiding.

Not room for both, just room for me. 

So you will lay your arms down. 

Yes I will call this home. 

Away, away 

You have been banished 

Your land is gone 

And given me 

What's this you say ?

You feel the right to remain? 

Then stay and I will bury you.

Here's the hitch 

Your horse is leaving 

Don't miss your boat 

It's leaving now 

And as you go I will spread my wings 

Yes I will call this home 

I have no time to justify to you 

Fool you're blind, move aside for me 

All I can say to you my new neighbor 

Is you must move on or I will bury you 

Now as I rest my feet by this fire 

Those hands once warmed here 

I have retired them 

I can breathe my own air 

I can sleep more soundly 

Upon these poor souls 

I'll build heaven and call it home 

'Cause you're all dead now 

I live with my justice 

I live with my greedy need 

I live with no mercy 

I live with my frenzied feeding 

I live with my hatred 

I live with my jealousy 

I live with the notion 

That I don't need anyone but me 

Don't drink the water 

There's blood in the water

things i LOVE: when you hear a song for the first time even though you've heard it a million times before. this happened with Don't Drink The Water at some point two weeks ago or so and I've just now had time to blog about it. It's words are still applicable and there are few things I love more than being lulled by Dave right before trying to fall asleep. This song in particular has always had a certain darkness to it, but the words finally fell into place. I'm obsessed. And this version in particular is exceptional. In light of the blog's facelift, I just really felt I had to post today. I had several scenes of TV shows or movies in mind, but youtube came up short on everything and I was frustrated. What's the deal with that? Is youtube shutting down a lot of videos? Well, they are deleting all the good ones. WTF. So I dug up this draft.

mirror, mirror on the wall...

should a-/ would a-/ could a....
in light of seeing 'Arry PoTTer, I'd like to request some magic. Yes. I WOULD like a crystal ball. and i WOULD like to pick up a journal that I so religiously recorded thoughts, drama, events, feelings, tears, frustrations, love, emotions and other randomness that I simply needed to see on paper in order to breathe, sleep and function and be able to hold it and magically flip to the page I am in need of reading OR, better yet, read pages that have not yet been written. Hermione, GET ON IT. You and your cute little British accent, figure it out. I picked up a journal from the summer off the shelf and read nothing that made me feel better, just things that made me feel worse. Funny The Way It Is. Since I saw Parachute live, this one particular line has been unbelievably glued to my soul from The Mess I Made, "i SHOULD have proudly claimed that all my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes." I have no regrets, though, right? Isn't that what we always tell ourselves to make those "should a/would a/could a" thoughts to go away?
If anyone knows where to place the order for a crystal ball, that would be great. Then again if I were a King, if I had everything, if I had you and I could give you your dreams, if I were giant sized, on top of it all, then tell me what in the world would I go on for? If I had it all? Sometimes I feel lost, as a I pull you out like strings of memories wish I could weave them into you then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out. Then again... if I had it all, you know, I'd fuck it up.

Requesting some enlightenment, COULD I have been anyone other than me? Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I work it out. I am WHO i AM, WHO am I??
What's the use in worrying? What's the use in hurrying...?


What's wrong with a Friday night staying in with a glass of wine, my to-do list and my six pound dog? This. Contemplation. But, lots of good music to back it all up. 
Alright unwritten unknown that lies ahead, I am one step closer. And I am excited to see what is coming next regardless of what is behind and what I am carrying with me on that journey, even if I don't know who or what that is just yet. Crystal-schmystal.


Words in blue are song titles I strongly recommend you looking into and italics are lyrics themselves.

it's with a mischievous grin...

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling

Fall back again, fall back again,

Fall back again, fall back again 

Oh, life it seems a struggle between

What we see and what we do

I'm not going to change my ways

Just to please you or appease you

Hey, look at this crowd, five billion proud

Willing to punch it out

Right, wrong, weak, strong

Ashes to ashes all fall down

Oh, look around about this round

About this merry-go-round around

If at all God's gaze upon us falls

its with a mischievous grin, look at Him 

Forget about the reasons and

The treasons we are seeking

Forget about the notion that

Our emotions can be kept at bay

Forget about being guilty,

We are innocent instead

For soon we will all find our lives swept away

Oh, look at me in my fancy car

And my bank account

Oh, how I wish I could take it all down

to my grave

God knows I'd save and save

Take a look again, take a look again, 

the things you have collected

well in the end it all piles up to one big nothing

 one big nothing at all

Forget about the reasons and

The treasons we are seeking

Forget about the notion that your emotions can be

swept away, kept at bay

Forget about being guilty, we are innocent instead

For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You know how it is...

You seek up an emotion

your cup is overflowing

You seek up an emotion,

Sometimes your well is dry

You're looking for a monster

For him to fight your wars for you

But when he finds his way to you,

The devil's not going--ha, ha

Late at night a TV's hungry child

his belly swells

Well, for a price of a coke or a smoke

I could keep alive those hungry eyes

Take a look again, take a look again

Oh everyday things change but basically they stay the same

You seek up an emotion

your cup is overflowing

You seek up an emotion,

Sometimes your well is dry

You're looking for a monster

For him to fight your wars for you

But when he finds his way to you,

The devil's not going--ha ha haha

 In honor of my new plans to see Dave Matthews Band in a series of exciting spontaneous events, I would post some of my favorite and most thought-provoking lyrics. They mean something strong and profound to me, what do they mean to you?