queen of insomnia and caffeine

yesterday, i made an official decision. i am NOT human. 
since high school, i haven't really mastered the idea of a normal sleep/wake cycle. in fact, i even printed some articles from Harvard's website on sleep and had the graphs posted by my bed for when i needed to take a quick nap to revitalize my day. I tried to find them to post here, but had little luck.
When I was a serious insomniac, I realized that I couldn't take any sleep prescription because I could never dedicate an entire 8 hours to sleep nor could I maintain any kind of routine. This resulted in trying more homeopathic methods. I stopped drinking caffeine after 4 pm. I did absolutely nothing in my room except sleep, especially nothing in my bed. Then college happened. Caffeine all hours of the day was the only means for survival. Several cups of coffee, multiple Coke Zeros, the occasional Monster or Red Bull and a cup filled with Sweet Tea became integral parts of my diet. Most of the time lack of sleep resulted in running on adrenaline and signaled an incredibly productive day. Now that I am interested in maintaining a "normal" schedule, I have discovered that my body simply despises that idea.
I am most awake from about 8 pm until 1 or 2 am daily, regardless of what time I got up that morning or afternoon. If any over the counter sleep medicine is going to be useful, I must take at least three. THREE. Last night, I took three Advil PM then managed to stay awake riveted by two hours of Law and Order SVU. Subsequently, I laid in the dark for thirty minutes thinking about how badly I didn't want to be thinking about anything and that I wanted to be catching some ZzZ's. Annoyed that lying there was an inefficient use of my time, I sat up and decided to start on some preliminary law school essays, thinking I'd realize how tired I actually was and fall over in a matter of minutes. Two hours later, I had typed three full single-spaced pages, responded to important emails, walked Grey around the entire neighborhood and downed a glass of wine. Around 12:30 (I took THREE Advil PM at 7 pm) I finally crawled back into bed and managed to fall asleep shortly thereafter.
I told my father that I think I should be prescribed to insomnia medication of some kind and he replied, "I'll give you some of my pills. No doctor will give a 22 year old a prescription." You're right, doctors, I'm not an insomniac, I'm just a 22 year old drug dealer like all other 20 somethings.
What's your opinion- Advil PM or Tylenol PM? How do you force yourself to go to bed early and to wake up early even if its against your natural circadian rhythm? And what the hell do you do when you hit the 3:00-4:00 hump when you feel like dying unless you instantly intake several gallons of caffeine?
Why can't we just be like robots that get plugged into the wall with an off/on switch?
Sleep is just such a gigantic waste of my time. Even if it is vital for all life processes. 
Maybe this should be my next read.
At least someone in this house doesn't have a problem sleeping around here...

maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversary

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by

scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable

than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not

understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as

effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing

bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that

never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm

on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with

people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe

you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the

people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

-Mary Schmich, a columnist with the Chicago Tribune, 1977

Watch Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

live now.

Source: seen-sucht.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

getting hitched and quitting drinking

this summer (from May until August) I know SIX people getting married. i have been cynical. admittedly, i have been a bitch. i have ranted, complained, expressed my opinion, lamented, questioned, doubted, stalked, gossiped, and been filled with joy for these friends that i have known a very long time to their face and behind their back. from learning about the potential of the impending engagement, to hearing the details of how the question was popped, to inquiring about wedding details, i have attempted to be supportive and i have likewise blatantly expressed my apathy or concern. oddly enough, feelings of approval or disapproval aside, i will not be seeing any of these brides walk down the aisle. my only connection to the actual celebration will be via Facebook. i cannot group all six of these in the same category of how i feel because that would be unfair to these friends. as certain as i am that none of them will read this, i owe everyone an apology. however, an apology i am unwilling to give. instead, i'd like to offer an explanation.

i am young; afraid of commitment to nearly everything. i have no idea where i will be in three months. i have big goals and huge dreams to chase. i've got at least four years of school ahead. i've got serious trust issues with males (and females for that matter). as i've blogged before, i don't even always trust myself. at least once a week, i am mistaken for a child +/-10 years younger than i actually am. i am wrestling with who God is and who He is not. i could not guess my credit card bill within one hundred dollars. i want an extravagant and beautiful wedding that is the party of the year. most days, i could not create a list of bridesmaides i'd feel comfortable with. additionally, i'd like the engagement ring of my dreams, a paycheck of several digits in my name, letters after my name on a business card, property that is decorated in my taste instead of a flashback to The Great Gatsby. i cannot wrap my mind around knowing someone at this exact moment that challenges any of the above.
     Though I was desperately reminding myself all last semester of the phrase, "don't push love away. it's all we have" (The Juliana Theory) and indeed do not plan to be blind to the opportunities that do pose a challenge to the above first-person statements, I just needed to get all that out there. To say, "hey, everyone. this is where i'm at." I confidently chose this path. I stick by the decisions that brought me here with great pride but occasionally, I am harshly reminded that people I literally grew up with, have transported themselves to a whole new stage of life that I don't know a single thing about. I don't even know about the steps they took to get to that stage of life. I doubt this from time to time and identify with Ben Gibbard's words. "Will I have learned so very little when these bones are old and brittle?
 I wait to talk when I should listen and cloud mistakes with false revisions. 
All my friends are forward-thinking, getting hitched and quitting drinking. 
And I can feel them pulling away as I'm resigned to stay the same. 
I was once a loyal lover whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match, a blinding spark that burns out fast.
And they all conclude with the same sentence: 'I've never met someone more self-centered who thinks that life with a nice girl's like waiting for a bus to work.
If you deem it so, just cut the cord and go.
You'll be fine, there's plenty of hills to climb."

So as people are continuing to get engaged more rapidly than i can keep up, in case your big announcement is headed my way soon, please know that i do love you deeply. and i am so incredibly happy for you. my wishes for a lifetime of bliss together is genuine and as sincere as possible. but i just don't get it. i don't understand and i cannot relate. as distance has already crept into our relationships by the very introduction of your significant other, i can only pray that the distance is not increased by your leap into a dramatically different stage of life than i am in. a stage i do not see myself joining for a long damn time. PLEASE do not become a bridge engulfed in flames behind me simply because I am not there yet. We will both be fine because there are plenty of hills (in all shapes, sizes and stages of life) to climb. I'll just be climbing the engaged and married hill long after others. But that's okay cause I CAN go my own way.

a deep thank you for reading this self-absorbed, rant. maybe i wrote it because i need affirmation. maybe i wrote it because i need to be told that i am wrong. that i am self-centered and jaded. perhaps i need to hear both. perhaps this is how you feel too.
#sorryimnotsorry

no, bitch, i would NOT like a children's menu.

one of my biggest pet peeves is being assumed that I am not 22. alright. maybe i don't look like I am 22. maybe i look a few years younger. i understand needing to show my id when i am buying a drink or buying alcohol at the grocery store. maybe i don't look like a college graduate. maybe i don't even look like a college student. BUT I DO NOT LOOK LIKE I AM 12. so the next person that assumes something about my age is going to get a huge piece of my mind.
there is a quote that says something along the lines of you're only as old as you feel. what if your age wasn't determined by the number of years that youve been alive but instead in the moments that you've lived. how you lived. what you've lived through. all i'm saying is that if that were true, no one would assume i'm 22. people would assume i was 40. i think age should be more transient. aren't there times when we all act like high school girls gossiping or get college drunk or put off doing chores around the house like a child. personally, there are days when i really just need to throw a huge tantrum like a toddler. there are other days when i buy groceries and clean the house and tend to other tasks like a house wife. don't we all act every age in order to function? i don't know i just think that a life should be measured in more than age but in maturity, experience and love. Measure your life in seasons of love. 

people always tell me, "well looking young will be a great thing when you're older!" and this brings me no comfort at all. it brings a mental image of me in line at Publix with my first born getting stares from the woman in front of me thinking, "poor girl is 16 and already has a child." no, that's not going to be "a great thing."
to the idiot at Pappadeaux who asked the people I was with for lunch if I would like a children's menu, this is what i have to say to you: "no, bitch, i would not like a children's menu. actually, i just graduated. from COLLEGE. did you do that? oh, would you like a diploma? too bad." Okay, just kidding I won't do that. Just know that I believe that life should be measured in seasons of life. Your age doesn't actually mean anything.

"in daylights, in midnights. in cups of coffee. in inches, in miles. in laughter, in strife. how do you measure a year in the life? how about LOVE? measure in love. Seasons of love. Share love, give love, spread love. Measure your life in love." -RENT