i'll let your ride be free

Somewhere deep within me, I knew it was only a matter of months before a post appeared on this blog again. My old readers are probably not those who are reading this, but this post has been slowly forming over years and I finally feel that I have enough of a grasp to put it into published words to share with the great expanse of no one and everyone simultaneously on the internet.
Perhaps you should read THIS first.

Source: Uploaded by user via Stephen on Pinterest

People watching has always been a favorite pastime. Perhaps its one of the reasons why I love travel so much. Its amazing what you can quickly get from an interaction with a stranger. You can pick up from the way they position themselves, the things they say, the framing of their sentences, the crooked line in their smile, slight darkness in their eyes that there's more than what you know. Sometimes you don't catch any such glimpse in a stranger at all. The Kroger cashier says, "Hey, how are you?" and you politely respond with some platitude, "fine, thanks, how are you?" and then the same statement is repeated back to you. At this point, generally some comment about one of the products being rolled over the scanner is made, method of payment is discussed, occasionally the weather or another nonsense topic is raised in the interest of making small talk and presuming dead silence as unacceptable awkwardness. These bull shit conversations used to drive me crazy with strangers. But the real truth is, how frequently do we have these same conversations with the people we are supposed to be confiding in, trusting, and sharing the deepest things with?
Rather frequently, wouldn't you agree?
And isn't it a pity. There is a well-circulated pin posted above that says, "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I've been chewing on this concept lately. Just starting law school in a state completely across the country, and around the globe from where I spent the last year building connections has attracted new light on the beauty and obstacles presented by young friendships. You avoid religion, politics, ex-boyfriends, hot-topic issues because you don't know their background. You say something that in your frame of reference is totally relevant or appropriate, but in their world, it is interpreted as the exact opposite. Exaggerated words are taken at face value and repeated. Young friendships are built off series of interactions walking a tight rope of "here's a small insight into me" and "i want insight into you" but too often, both slip by.
What is even more frightening is the likelihood that friendships formed on surface nonsense can seem like the real deal and can be rewarding, even lasting for years.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when you have a friend that is experiencing all kinds of trials, you can be so close to that person, you can empathize with them so deeply that on some level you are experiencing it as well. As referred to in one of the most vulnerable posts on this blog, I have a fundamental issue with life struggles and the lack of ability to guide someone through a same or similar circumstance as one that I myself hobbled along. This week in particular, I was given an opportunity to attempt to be the friend I needed in that time. It was such a strange sensation to sit and think of what I wanted and needed at that time. It's amazing what you let yourself forget. As I tried to reconstruct fragile memories of wondering what the result of one of Mom's surgeries would be, I was reminded of the CDs I played while walking through the hospital hallways, of the smile cemented to my face that I didn't even recognize when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought about the constant admonitions of "I'm praying for you" and "God is good and He is going to get you through this" and how my gut reaction to each one made my stomach churn as I grasped onto each word but swallowed it down with doubt and anger.
I've thought so many times that "I want bones like iron, blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising and when I'm sinking in" as so eloquently described by Dispatch. But life isn't like that. You can wear your story on your sleeve, you can sigh heavier throughout your day, your confusion can be visible, or your jaw can be crooked into a smile even you do not recognize yet all go unnoticed. So luckily, you can only worry about being open and honest enough about your own experiences to share them and hope that another will benefit. You can only be concerned with having listening ears and sensitivity to the needs of those around you.

The point I am desperately and poorly trying to make is this: you just never know what battle someone that you are interacting with is facing. At any given moment, that interaction could make a huge difference or none at all.
The emotional energy that you invest in someone else or something else may never be fully appreciated. And that is a shame. But in my experience, as it drains you to fill someone else, in the end, you are filled when they feel restored and you were a contributing factor to that restoration.
I am confident the emptiness that comes from the emotional investment initially, will ALWAYS be rewarded.

So, GO invest in someone.
Invest in everyone. 

"Well, I got a bad disease. 

Right from my brain is where I bleed. 

Today, love smiled on me. 

It took away my pain

Say, please, I'll let your ride be free.

You gotta let it be.

It's bitter baby

but its very sweet.

I'm on a roller coaster but I'm on my feet.

Take me to your river, let me on your shore. 

I'll be coming back, baby, I'll be coming back for more. 

I could not forget but I won't endeavor. 

Said my pleasure, I won't regret it never.

Where I go, I just don't know.

I got to, got to take it slow.

When I find my peace of mind, well, I'm gonna give you some of my good time."

-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soul to Squeeze

lesson in itself

stop anything and everything you are doing and read this.
an exceptional article incredibly insightful, truthful, gut-wrenchingly honest and exactly how I felt on these days. written by a friend and colleague whom I am incredibly proud of. ever since i have known him, he has been intelligent beyond his years and possessed strength unlike thousands of people that I know. it was an honor to walk across the stage just a few people behind him, even if we walked across that stage three months too late. i firmly believe it is crucial to have friends and influences in your life that inspire you and Alan Blinder is certainly one of those people for me, though he probably wouldn't come up with my name on a list of his first 100 closest friends.
I agree whole-heartedly that even though the following link is wonderful journalism, those affected will not be able to move on anytime soon and those unaffected will never be able to fully understand.
it gave me shivers to be within ten feet of seeing the grief on those families faces and to know that it could have just as easily been my family accepting my diploma. that gives me chills to think about. i am blessed. grateful. and attempting to move on.
Tuscaloosa did indeed become a lesson in itself.

Read the full article here.

Another great article mentioning two of my pledge sisters and showing one of the most emotional moments of my life, as well as emotionally challenging for all spectators in that Coliseum- Read on HERE.

has it really been 3 years?

People work too hard to figure out the meaning of their lives. Why me, why now. The truth is, sometimes things don’t happen to you for a reason. Sometimes it’s just about being in the right place at the right time for someone else.” –Jodi Picoult, Second Glance

Some items on the to-do list get marked off right away, other items hover waiting for the to-list maker to have the will power, the courage or the ability to complete them. it's so easy to think about someone or something and let it pass by without action. though i don't usually post really personal stuff on my blog, i think that this is important, so stick with me. 

certain memories in my life stand out very clear, like they happened yesterday. i was standing in this small hotel bathroom in Odessa, Texas staring at myself in the mirror with a steaming hot curling iron in hand. my reverie was broken by what i thought was an extra precautionary alarm going off again. to my surprise, i looked down at the phone and i was receiving a phone call from a dear friend of mine at the time. thinking that she just wanted to wish my luck for the brutal day ahead, i answered. she sternly told me to sit down. all i could think was, "i'm burying my mother today, what the hell is she going to tell me that's going to make this day any worse?!" and that's when she explained that a horrible plane crash took the life of one of my best friends. this girl had been one of the first people i met in the horrid week called Sorority Recruitment. she had laughed at everything and had an incredible attitude. we clicked. she was one of the first people i told at alabama that my mom had cancer because she found me crying in the dorm room hall. we listened to Dave together. we went to fraternity parties and had our red solo cups filled by pledges with delicious pink panty pulldowns. all summer, she had kept up with me and how my mom was doing. she was going to book her flight to atlanta to come visit as soon as she got back from alabama. In fact, when I got back from Texas, I had flowers waiting for me at my house that she had sent the day she died.

i think about Lauren everyday. not only do i miss the ability to pick up the phone and call her, i wonder if she would be graduating with me on Saturday, i wished for her as a refuge in harder times this past year and i am graciously reminded of her fun-loving spirit, how loving of a friend she was and her incredible zeal for life every time i pass her picture on my dresser and every time i call my dog by her full name, named after Lauren's last name and nickname. 

Graduation next week is going to be bittersweet because it was suppose to be in May but this little f5 tornado ruined that. graduation is going to be odd because close friends that were planning to come in May will no longer be able to attend. it will be odd to be in tuscaloosa without a home. i already have my diploma. but most importantly, graduation is going to be bittersweet because in the last three years, I have lost two people that meant so much to me. And no matter what, it's going to be weird without them there.

I have been meaning to call Lauren's family since... well, since, May. On several occasions I've spoken to her mother and she is an incredible woman. For no good reason, something less important has gotten in the way of making that phone call. Walking Grey Brue today, i pulled out my phone and dialed Mrs. Brue. The call only lasted 17 minutes, but it was perfect. Just touching base felt amazing. Letting her know that I still think about Lauren, that I still think about her, I could tell meant a lot to her. And she told me the same. That this picture of Lauren and I is sitting on her dresser. 

Sometimes you don't do things for yourself, you do them for someone else. Sometimes you get a nice mix of both. All this to say, the next time the idea of doing something nice for someone else crosses your mind, don't let it go. Force yourself to do it, no matter how tough it seems. Make reminding someone that you care about them a priority. You may find that doing something selfLESS has incredibly selfISH rewards. Thanks for reading, I hope you found it inspiring, or at least something like it.

and words are futile devices

you know, sometimes there just are not words. sometimes words can't accurately express thoughts or feelings or emotions. there are times when that emotion is overwhelming and language does not, cannot fill in the vast gap between what the heart is experiencing and what the mind is attempting to make sense of. usually, when these things happen i turn to music, lyrics, quotes and borrow advice from friends. i depend on dear friends understanding me well enough to where i can just exist and they can read my mind. clearly, that doesn't always work out. in the light of news about some pretty intense tragedies in the past few days, i am reminded of the immobile and helpless feeling of having no words. no words to miraculously fix the broken heart. words that sound so convincing even said with the greatest confident voice mustered: "it's going to work out somehow" but instantly implies a hesitant expression and underlying uncertainty for the ears receiving the platitude. for other friends, i am aware of the fear in the air and i do not have words that coalesce that fear. i just do not. for others, i have found that i do not have words to substantially thank or demonstrate my immense gratitude for all they do for me.
on a separate but related note, i have discovered this past week in particular that i do not possess the language skills to describe what i am feeling. that's really hard for me to do. credit to Sufjan Stevens for the blog title and for setting the mood for my reverie. if you're actually a dedicated reader and you looked up the video and listened to the whole song and are now reading into who i would say this song to, please pick up the phone and call me before making assumptions. but as with always, if i wasn't fully dedicated to the lyrics, the artist and the song, it wouldn't be in a post.
in place of my own words to respond to heartache and tragedy, i offer one of my favorite quotes ever:

"when there are no words... know that the silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you." (dawn dais)

and in place of my own words to respond to fear (whatever that may be), this is what i offer. some inspiration. and truth.

You gain STRENGTH, COURAGE and CONFIDENCE by every experience in which you really stop to look FEAR in the face... DO the thing you think you CANNOT do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

The next thing to do is take some advice from Peter Bradley Adams and gather up the people you love and embrace them. hold them in your arms. and together, figure it out.

gather up in the arms of your pity

the sick, the depraved, the desperate, the tired

all the scum of our weary city

gather up in the arms of your love

those who expect no love from above

I ask you this, which way to turn?

I ask you this, which sin to bear?

which crown to put upon my hair?

I do not know, I do not know...

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up

I wait to take the hand of love,

come every one, come gather up

there's lonely people in the lonely night

they grab a lonely dream and they hold it tight

there's lonely people in the lonely day

who work to solve their dream away 

so I ask you this, which way to turn?

I ask you this, which sin to bear?

which crown to put upon my hair?

I do not know, I do not know...

I wait to take the hand of love, with every one you gather up

I wait to take the hand of love,

come every one, come gather up

won't you gather in your arms, gather in your arms  

Does it ever go away? No... it changes though.

it is rare to see grief accurately described. Rabbit Hole was excellent. Simply, beautifully done. Highly recommend.