exchanging my desire for a crystal ball for something so much greater

Long time no see. I would say I am sorry, but I am ridiculously busy with great things so I am not that sorry it turns out. So here is a much-over-due post. 
A dear friend's recent proposal sparked a near meltdown about life that i am so craving to be apart of happening without me. I'm such a control freak I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I haven't gotten a chance to do a big post on all the things I am thankful for or talk much on what I have attempted to learn through the book 1000 Gifts. I say "attempted to learn" because I do not have down by any means. in fact, I have a soap box of sorts about learning and the idea that very few things you truly learn. anyways, the past two months at the suggestion of a dear mentor of mine, I decided to begin this book that calls for a way of living where you appreciate essentially each and every second as something to be thankful to God for. The author challenges you to make a list and go past 1000. I am on number 361. Last year, I was driving in my car with my favorite songs playing and I had an awakening that instead of fretting and complaining about the future that I must chose to be thankful for the journey. this year, I am still practicing being thankful for the journey instead of bitching that I do not have a crystal ball. Still most days I would splurge big time for that crystal ball. Perhaps it is because a majority of my epiphanys occur in my car or in the shower it seems I have not had one in quite some time. my shower is less of a shower and more like a struggling dripping faucet so my morning showers last less than two songs. I haven't seen my car in over 90 days. But a few days ago, walking through the city and listening intently to her sounds while reading an email I felt joy rush through my body at something so simple: a new email. If you are truly a religious fan of my writings and you read my other blog, perhaps you picked up before on how much the various forms of communication make me feel connected and not like I'm standing on the other side of the world, but really. I am thankful for that email and all the emails that fill my inbox. So while my thanksgiving post last year was about a huge abstract idea, this post is about a collection of the smallest seemingly insignificant things that actually mean so much. This entire experience of living here has been about teaching me to be thankful for the little things. it's so easy to be thankful for a pretty day with perfect weather and the sun shining and hard to be thankful for the fog, rain and nasty weather. here are a few examples of the things I am thankful for that you may not have even thought twice about. it's my hope that this post inspires you to not think of thanksgiving as over and that it's Christmas time but to remember that giving-thanks is everyday, all year round and is a continuous state of mind instead of a dinner celebration that comes the third Thursday of the month. 

cash back
waking up early
the satisfying feeling of productivity 
jeans that feel looser
taking new shoes out of the box for the first time
the words "i love you" sometimes so insufficient and sometimes exactly what you need to be reminded of
houndstooth
the last sip of coffee that is always the sweetest
soap boxes
being completely enamored with a book
the moment when you actually can feel "the wheels" working inside your brain as your fingers fly across the keyboard
english tshirts on someone who most likely doesnt speak english
postcards
the doorbell ringing
a good bottle of wine
pockets
bright lipstick
a pokerface
the smell of gasoline
sheets of ice glistening under the sun
successfully talking and listening at the same
the crackling noise of a bonfire
hot french fries
rollarcoasters- figurative ones and the real thing
the little kisses on my calf that grey gives me
happy hour
porch swings
mercy
locks on doors
going someplace completely new without getting lost
the feeling of newspaper on your fingers
steam on the mirror
that food in the pantry you know you will never eat
the sound of a key turning a lock
catching a button before it falls off
my passport
elephants
making eye contact with a stranger
photocopies that are still warm from the machine
a dishwasher
shoes that are cute AND comfortable
all forms of carbohydrates
cookies fresh out of the oven

what's your excuse? that's right, you don't have one.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because people actually take the time to slow down and thank others whom they depend on greatly. I rely on numerous people so heavily, I am beginning to feel the hole from lack of communication with them growing and expanding. I'm starting to see people tweeting about Christmas and that's one of my biggest pet peeves. I hate how every year, without fail, people get so excited about Christmas, they forget about Thanksgiving. This year, I have challenged friends, family and strangers to do something different. To think about Thanksgiving in October and write a letter thanking the troops for their service. I posted notes on Facebook, Tweeted, and emailed to around 200 people hoping that everyone would write a letter.
They have around 40,000 letters and they need 400,000. I took two days and wrote 100. You can take 5 minutes and write one. Do it. Thank someone else for a sacrifice that you could never make. Thank someone for protecting your country and your freedom.
Here's all the information: http://thebertshow.com/the-bert-shows-big-thank-you/

less drowning, more land

though i am not 100% positive, i think the sensation pumping through my blood has not been felt in over four years. i have not felt the security and excitement of pieces falling into place like this in a LONG time. and it feels amazing. i feel like I am no longer watching my dreams from the window  (read what post i am referencing here) but instead i am holding them in my hand like a snitch. watching that dream flap its wings excitedly as i am holding it, just waiting for me to line up a few more puzzle pieces so that i can grab ahold of it fully and let its wings carry me there.
plans are odd things. this year in particular, i have advocated being open minded and ready for anything (reference here). i have reassured myself there is beauty in uncertainty. and after several months, i relapsed into PLAN mode and started laying down plans left and right. it just creeped up on me. finally, i caved under the peer pressure to have it all miraculously figured out. shockingly with a little elbow grease and a few great contacts, i was feeling really good about the new blueprint. i had some promising options hanging in the air and was thrilled for the things i had lined up for myself. then BOOOM. i received an email about a job i had applied for in February. three emails and two days later, i had accepted a year-long position in Madrid, Spain. goodbye plan. hello awesomeness. one of my absolute favorite Bible verses is the Lord's answer to Habakkuk's complaint in chapter one of Habakkuk. He says, "I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."
what's that?  i am not in control? seriously?! this entire time i was thinking i was. oh, was that where i went wrong? well, thanks for the slap in the face, god/fate/destiny/chance/all of the above. a very, very sincere thank you. it was deserved i suppose. i am beyond words exhilarated and thrilled not just for myself but for those around me as i excitedly stay tuned on how their futures are coming together so beautifully also. perhaps patience really IS a virtue, after all. who knew.

"no more false starts and no dead ends" -from his wonderful and newly released album, Matt Nathanson, Mercy      Watch him preform it live by clicking here!

Source: google.com via Shannon on Pinterest

Your English is good

I have been so incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to travel all over the place. Until this trip, I have never really thought about whether or not all that would have been possible if I didn't speak English. I have been happy that I speak English for a long time. It's the dominant language. Additionally, it's impossible to learn.  In the years Americans spend taking English and perfecting the rules behind our native language, Europeans learn like four languages. Here are some facts about English you English speakers should know (from here). 

• English is the most widespread language in the world and is more widely spoken and written than any other language.
• Over 400 million people use the English vocabulary as a mother tongue, only surpassed in numbers, but not in distribution by speakers of the many varieties of Chinese.
• Over 700 million people, speak English, as a foreign language.
• Did you know that of all the world's languages (over 2,700) English is arguably the richest in vocabulary; and that the Oxford English Dictionary lists about 500,000 words, and there are a half-million technical and scientific terms still uncatalogued?
• Three-quarters of the world's mail, telexes and cables are in English.
• More than half of the world's technical and scientific periodicals are in English
• English is the medium for 80% of the information stored in the world's computers
• English is the language of navigation, aviation and of Christianity; it is the ecumenical language of the World Council of Churches
• English is the main language of the Internet. 
• Of the 163 member nations of the U.N., more use English as their official language than any other. The easiest way to calculate the economic influence of a language may be to add up the gross domestic products (GDP) of all the nations where it is spoken. People who count English as their mother tongue make up less than 10% of the world's population, but possess over 30% of the world's economic power.

Last week, I was sitting at the train station in Munich enjoying a nice little sandwich and Radler (beer with lemonade- worth a try! Perfect for a summer day) when I was approached by a nice business-looking man. He said to me, "your accent is very strange. Where are you from?" so I said Atlanta, the south of the United States and he seemed so genuinely amused. "a southern accent! I've never heard one. Wow. I like it." Then he went on to tell me that he taught English at a university nearby. I don't think I've ever brightened someone's day just by speaking English. It made my day. I don't even really have a southern accent." 
I spent three days in Koln (Cologne) and only ever heard English one time unless English was directly addressed to me. I was amazed at how stupid I felt trying to do things around town with a vocabulary of about fifteen German words total. But no matter where I have been in the last week, if I speak English, English is spoken back to me. Its incredible that we have this pull over the rest of the world. To where a waiter in Ghent, Belgium or Koln, Germany knows English just in case some stupid American tourist happens to sit down at their table. 

As arrogant as that can make us, I am deeply thankful for it. I think our language learning should be amped up significantly, but ill save that rant for another post. But if it wasn't for the rest of the world learning English, I'd be even more lost than I usually am. And I certainly wouldn't have gone so many places. So cheers to English ruling the world so I don't have to learn German. Be thankful that Your English Is Good!

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 

 

Please, take my hand. 

Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.

It's so simple and you know it is.

Just say yes.

Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 

For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

Hearts are worn in these dark ages 

You're not alone in this story's pages 

Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying 

And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in 

The world's on fire and

It's more than I can handle 

I try to bring more 

More than I can handle 

Bring it to the table

Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling 

Something I can do to change this moment 

Stay close to me while the sky is falling 

Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone 

Hearts break, hearts mend

Love still hurts 

Visions clash, planes crash 

Still there's talk of saving souls

Still the cold is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun

Stray from the straight line on this short run 

The more we take, the less we become 

A fortune of one that means less for some 

(Sarah Mclachlan)

this is what i would call a shitty day by definition. Everything was fine until I got news that a dear friend of mine is facing deportation in Vienna. I don't even want to give details because I am emotionally spent, but just know that someone on the other side of the world is hurting and in trouble and I am here. Stressed about reading for all my classes tomorrow. I am sick of reading about the favelas in Brazil (Click here to read more.) I am sick of reading about bad news. I am sick of watching the world fall apart on TV. I just want to get out there and fix it. Claro que sí, I cannot "fix" it, but the world is on fire. I just want to be out there helping. DOING something. If you ask me what I want to do with my life, the answer is "I have no fucking clue." But there is one thing I do know. I will be helping people.

Here are pictures from the first time I ever met Daniel and the last time I was with him just a few months ago. I cannot imagine what he is facing, I cannot imagine being in his shoes. I am sick over this news. Physically ill.

Please keep Daniel, Moses, Mike, the amazing woman who runs the homeless and refugee shelter in Vienna and the people who depend on her and all she does in your prayers. They are especially heavy on my heart today. When I went to Vienna for the first time in 2006, I never imagined that I would leave half of my heart there. I never imagined it would ache like this for people who have truly touched my life; they pull me closer to love. And to all of those who have been touched by these people and this shelter, you're right. It's going to be OK. Somehow, someway. Right? Right. That's what I am praying. Lord, come through.

She got the call today, one out of the grey

And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away

She said she didn’t believe 'it could happen to me'

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

If every building falls, and all the stars fade

We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too

Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way

Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight

Cryin' out now, from so far away

You pull me closer to love, closer to love

And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried

You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon, you're gonna be there too

Cryin' in your room, prayin' “Lord come through”

We're gonna get there soon.

(Mat Kearny)

you deserve a smile with no regret

One of the topics of an entire anthropology class last week was, "Can you live without compromises?" And immediately, my answer sprung to my mind. No. 
I've been thinking a lot recently about forgiveness. I have always considered myself "too forgiving." Being mad at someone takes hard work. It is stressful to save up all your emotions and keep them to yourself. I have also always considered myself too honest and rarely afraid to offer up my opinion. However, many of these personality characteristics I have always seen for myself have been recently questioned. I have suddenly realized myself staying silent and trying to lay low. There isn't much of an explanation for this, other than my own frustrations that I don't have an explanation. There is a Nip/Tuck quote from the last season where (I'm pretty sure it's) Christian says something along the lines of- "Where does it come from? This capacity to forgive? How do you do it?" and Sean's answer back was, "How do you not?"
How can you not forgive? Its a simple necessity. A necessity like breathing. And without compromising, forgiving and cutting other's slack, life is way more difficult than it should be.
The part of forgiveness that I am blurred on is when time gets involved.
This phrase has been on my mind. It seems like yesterday, I was holding onto you for better days. (Great Big Planes) 
I'm quite certain that line was written about a lover. But there aren't so many differences between a lover and a friend. A favorite and much quoted author of mine wrote this in a book titled Handle With Care “Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside.” 
In the same book, she later wrote, "Anger… is too fierce a flame to last for long."
And I deeply believe both of these things to be true.
Though I am still begging to miraculously wake up tomorrow morning and be at ease with uncertainty, I am also still trying to mentally sort out changes that have taken place in the past year or so and how all of that is affecting me. I guess it just hits me harder on some days than other and today is one of those days. Joshua Radin sings about this. He says, Everyone keeps saying, "nothing helps but time." Time is ALL I own. And time won't stop replaying over in my mind. I watch the hours slow down. So I crawl underneath my blanket, where I can hide away. I know I can't take it anymore. Cause I see now, it's just one of those days.
It can be easy to do the initial forgiveness phase. To listen to the apology, to talk it out. The resolution is a small slice of heaven. It is the living up to the resolutions you made which can be so difficult. When my resolution is that I have to let go, time passes and I realize I have been successful in one sense and haven't at all in another. If it still upsets me to think about a situation does that mean I didn't actually forgive?

I'm not entirely sure this post even makes much sense. As usual, there are deep roots in many thoughts, situations, and people all floating around in my head thinking about all this. I just think I needed to be reminded that forgiveness is a huge part of my life and I will never "master" the concept. But for the friends that I have with whom we are negotiating forgiveness between each other, I am deeply thankful. I know I fuck it up from time to time. I love being given the endless chances to recover. It shapes me and makes me a better person.

And I hope that with others, where forgiving seems off the table... I just want to say, I'd really like to see it up for some discussion. Because after all, It's not always rainbows and butterflies. Its compromise that moves us along. My heart is full, my door's always open. You come anytime you want. (Maroon 5) In a post already full of lyrics and quotes, what's one more? The past few months, I have had this song on repeat. I've found comfort in its words, but I have a new stipulation with the advice. Freedom is forgiveness. Hold your breath and count to nine. Hoping somebody soon with find you. Go on, the stars are watching. Just say, just say what you're feeling. You know, you know, you've got to take a bow and do it your way. It's okay. It's okay. It's time for you to prove within your ruby shoes, you deserve a smile with no regret. Now, go be free... (Erin McCarley)


Compromise moves us along. Without it, someone is certain to be left behind.

thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you CLARITY

As I was driving to a friend's family's house for thanksgiving, I was thinking, "What am I really thankful for?" Well, of course I am thankful for many things. Good health, my wonderful father, my amazing friends who keep me breathing, and for all of the hundreds of ways that I am so incredibly blessed. But as these words were sung over my speakers in my car, I had a large realization. 

I am most thankful for this journey.

And if I have to, I'll listen to these songs and read and re-read these quotes every day until I actually believe their words. It's my hope that my readers in similar uncertainty, help me thrive in this "delicious ambiguity" and find encouragement in the words of others who have been right here with us, plenty of times. 

I don't have it figured out, but that's perfectly fine.

Darling, nothing ever goes exactly how you planned it

I guess I've been here long enough to see

That time can be your dearest friend

Or time can be a bandit

When tomorrow changes into history

And oh my my, honey everybody dies

But you got, you got to see

That you can live your life walking in a straight line

But it's more than just A to B

Maybe it'll find you lying peaceful under blankets

Or bleeding at the bottom of the stairs

Oh but it's not when or how you go

It's life and what you make it

It's the traveling, not the road that gets you there.

(Matt Hires, A to B)

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…” –gilda radner

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride…

happiness  is a JOURNEY, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. -Souza 

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. -rilke 

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, 

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm free but I'm focused,

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing,

I'm brave but I'm chicken shit,

I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

but everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine.

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a peace sign

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah

Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine.

(Alanis Morissette, Hand In My Pocket)

x-rays

sometimes things have to go wrong in order for you to gain appreciation for how perfectly it worked before.