if a flame's what it takes to remember my name

It is my hope that in this blog, you occasionally read and think, "that's exactly what I needed to hear" or "thats where I am at" or "i want to remember that if i am in that position" but more importantly, that you find you can follow my ramblings and that you see how the lyrics presented go so hand in hand with the post. Sometimes the thoughts behind the post lead me to the music and sometimes its the other way around. But, they are always meant to be understood together by the reader and if your interpretation is getting lost, then I am losing my direction as a writer. All of these things are welcomed in emails and comments, so do not hesitate to keep giving me the feedback. That's why I write, for the feedback. 

Here's a culmination of several posts (see tagged labels below) and something that's really on my heart.

"this is a call to the color blind.  this is an ‘I-owe-You’.

I'm stranded behind the horizon line, tied up with something true.

Why is it not my time?

What is there more to learn?

      Shed this skin I've been tripping in

Never to quite return

Someday I'll fly, Someday I'll SOAR

              Someday, I'll be SO DAMN MUCH MORE

Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

I'm bigger than my body, now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines

And it might be over in a second's time

But I'll gladly go down in a flame.. 

       if a flame's what it takes to remember my name. 

-John Mayer, Bigger Than My Body

This winter has been extremely strange for me. I have had some really emotional highs and some rough, rock bottom emotional lows. I know those highs and lows aren't going away anytime soon. As a friend said to me regarding this law school application process, "Each step of this process has had its challenges and NOW its decision time..." In no way do I intend to ramble about my law school applications, but it's important for where I want to go, so hang in here with me for a second. As I spent several weekends laying around in bed because I was so sick, it's given days feeling well an entirely new brightness.

The decision to pack 3 suitcases and move to Madrid, Spain happened really fast even if it was something I had wanted for years before the Delta flight carried me here in October. I didn't have much time to really consider what I would be DOING. I teach teenagers. I am in a high school with students from all levels of English proficiency and all different backgrounds. With absolutely no education background, I have zero experience to be teaching English to highschoolers in Spain. Daily, I am faced with a question or word that I do not know the answer to. What is the difference in meaning in the sentence, "My mom likes everything including chocolate" and "My mom likes anything including chocolate." Nearly all of the textbooks are British English and I don't recognize some words or phrases or idioms because I speak American English. And for a percentage of my words, they can only be classified as Southern American English. The Californian English teacher that I work with argued with me when I said "I sleep in a bite guard at night." he said, "no, you sleep WITH a bite guard." this argument lasted ten more minutes. I say, you sleep WITH someone, WITH two pillows, but IN socks or IN pajama pants... maybe I just speak incorrectly. I don't know. But there are a lot of days when I think, "jeez, I suck at this job." Students blatantly skip class and do not study or participate or pay attention. The details of whats involved in "teaching English" is only a quarter of my job. The other part of my life here is battling the numerous things that drive me bat crazy, balancing the culture shock of the lackadaisical attitude, and other mounting frustrations unique to Spain but not so different than any other frustrations inherently attached with WORKING.
    All of this juxtaposition-ed against the time I had been dedicating to working on law school applications and carefully crafting beautiful essays that prophetically explained why I was anxiously awaiting an acceptance letter to THAT particular University, was more exhausting than I could properly explain to anyone. I was spending a large amount of emotional and physical energy on thinking about nothing except my future while feeling incredibly trapped in my current moment. I couldn't appropriately connect the two and I couldn't accurately justify how one led to the other or vice versa. For a majority of my mental capactiy, I was dreaming big dreams about what I want to do with my future, what I will do in fifteen years, the goals I have for myself and for my career. Why I want a law degree and what I am going to do with it. These essays took something out of me that I cannot explain. Telling someone, even if its a complete stranger, that you have dreams to change the way people think about genocide, the Holocaust and Human Rights meant for me that one day down the road, if I do not actually accomplish those things, I will be admitting to failure. Seeing these passions on paper scared me because they are the only reason why I have worked so hard. And if "those things" (any of my goals or dreams) are not meant, I will have failed myself, my wonderful support system and the law school that chose to accept me. But, this is big kid life and I am just beginning to grow into it.
    Now that I am out from the umbrella of the application process, I feel like I can breathe easier. But walking with what's become quite a weight on my shoulders of this looming GIGANTIC decision is becoming more difficult.
I know that I am going to miss Spain immensely. I am going to miss all the people that I live here with, who help hold me together just as much as my precious American friends. And while I am trying to make this huge decision, my one goal is to remember the ground beneath my feet.
To appreciate THIS precious moment.
To understand why I am receiving the decisions in this order and how to interpret each school's response.
To gain insight on WHO i AM, who i want TO BE, where I come FROM and where i am GOING.
To work on bettering myself in ways that make me happier, more pleasing as a servant to God, a better daughter, a better friend and a better citizen of this world.
To enjoy the days of sunshine and the days of rain, equally.
To basque in this phase of life, because I will never again hold it in my palms as I am now.

And, that is my challenge to you today, to do the same thing.

Walk this tight rope with me, of keeping your eyes focused on where you are walking, and each individual brick beneath your feet that is leading you there.

hell is so close and heaven's out of reach

cheers to a day when i didn't do anything i was suppose to get done. 

cheers to not thinking. 

cheers to a bottle of wine to drown lack of thinking and doing. 

to relaxing. 

to breathing. 

to figuring it out later. 

to the Crimson Tide.

to enjoying the moment. 

to being happy. 

to being thankful.

 to understanding that you don't understand. 

to adopting a lackadaisical attitude.

to grounding yourself by what you know beyond a doubt to be truth. 

to limiting yourself to 24 hours in one day because you have no other choice.

cheers to good music that soothes your soul. 

to experimenting with new words on your tongue for the first time. 

to having absolutely no idea what the future holds but swallowing that fact as something acceptable.

to 12 hours of sleep.

to a great dream.

to sharing a piece of yourself with someone new for the first time and discovering something about yourself as your share it. 

to adventures. 

to laughing. 

to falling in love all over again with a song you've already heard 118 times. 

to effective and pure communication. 

to reverie. 

to what-ifs. 

to brilliant ideas. 

to terrible ideas.

to not being sorry.

to an email that brightens my entire day.

to skype dates with dear friends. 

to dictating your own schedule. 

to doing something rewarding. 

to losing yourself in a book. 

to my list of daily blessings and gifts. 

to tomorrow being another day. 

tonight, on my ikea sofa-cama, i pour a third or fourth glass of wine to you.

"anywhere you go, anyone you meet, remember that your eyes can be your enemy.
i said, well, hell is so close and heaven's out of reach.
i ain't givin' up quite yet, i got too much to loose. 
hold me down, sweet and low, hold me down, and i'll carry you home.
the rain is gonna fall, the sun is gonna shine.
the wind is gonna blow, the water's gonna rise.
she said, when that day comes, look into my eyes.
no one's giving up quite yet, we got too much to loose.
and i'll carry you, always.
you say youre fine but you're still young and out of line.
all i need is to turn around, to make it last, to make it count.
im not gonna make the same mistakes that put my momma in her grave, i don't wanna be alone...
hold me down, sweet and low, hold me down. sweet and low, little girl. so hold me down, and i'll carry you home."
-Sweet and Low, Augustana

who the hell did i think i was?

I have had this blog for exactly a year now and it seems that the labels can indicate the topics I always lean toward in this unique journey I have allowed you as readers to join me on. In the last year, I have mistakenly blogged about things too personal, I have hurt feelings, I have attempted to describe my own feelings, I have questioned, made judgements, expressed confusion and been unable to express words but still made messy attempts to do so. It's been a wild ride this last year, but then again, that is what life is, just a ride. 

The last few months, I haven't been able to write nearly as much as I would have liked, but I have made notes of future posts to come. Just know that even though I am not blogging on here as often, this blog has become important to me and I do not plan on deleting it or fully neglecting it anytime soon. 

It seems I have blogged the most about love, more than anything else. The other labels most often tagged are friendships, Dave Matthews, change, college life. For today's blog post, look up a label that suites you and find what I said this past year on it. 

"stranger than your sympathy, this is my apology...

when all my fears have pushed you out.

i wished for things that i don't need. all i wanted.

what i chase won't set me free. its all i wanted.

and i get scared, but i am not crawling on my knees.

oh yeah, everything's all wrong here.

where the hell did i think i was?

stranger than your sympathy, take these things so i don't feel...

now, my head's been filled with doubt.

it's hard to lead the life you choose.

you can't see when all your dreams are coming true... 

oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah. and you choke on the regrets.

who the hell did i think i was?

stranger than your sympathy, all these thoughts you stole from me.

i'm not sure where i belong.

no where's home and i'm all wrong.

i wasn't all the things that i tried to make believe i was, and i wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted, and all the talk, and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me... 

stranger than your sympathy, stranger than your sympathy..." -Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy

A song that I've had on repeat all week. I am reading this incredible book and just trying to live up to the ambitious calls for a higher living she makes. Wow, I realize how greedy I have been with the dreams that I am chasing, realizing that some of the things I've wanted so badly are literally in my hands and I can't even be thankful for that.

You know when you have one of those days where you doubt every move you make and every decision that you've taken to get to this point? When you think, "wow, maybe I really fucked it up good this time." And then it seems like you blink, and your conscious is telling you, "It feels so good to know that I made the right decision." That voice in your head is telling you, "I listened to my heart and my mind bicker and I chose. I went for it. Good job! Sleep well tonight, Steph. Give yourself a pat on the back." this is a song for that exact moment when you hear them both, simultaneously. 

the moment when you look back on yesterday or the day before, or last week, or last year and wonder, WHO THE HELL DID I THINK I WAS?

When you say, this is my apology for making the decisions that I have in case they are wrong because I have no clue what I am doing even though I try so hard to pretend like I do. My apology that I am so far from perfect even though I want to be the best version of myself at all times, i fall so short. My apology that I have been so greedy with my blessings and dream chasing. That I'm not sure where I belong and that stranger than your sympathy is the endless reverie I am drowning in from my own mind. 

I get scared, but I am not crawling on my knees. 

If what I chase won't set me free, then why the hell is it something I am chasing?

X that, let's do this instead

one of my new years resolutions (which i happen to take very seriously, unlike the average person. see here) last year was to be more spontaneous. i  succeeded in doing handful of spontaneous activities, but by no means did it transfer into a personality trait. as much as i love being organized, planned and scheduled, it's shocking how much i love being surprised. tonight, i had plans to get dinner with a few girlfriends from high school. in the five minutes i got on Twitter today, i happened to stumble across a tweet that The Weepies were playing in Atl.
I am obsessed with this dynamic duo.
They define the word musician. They're simply incredible with inspirational, powerful lyrics and producers of seriously quality music. Check them out here.
Then, let these words sink it. Its what i need to be reminded of today and catch a glimpse of the concert I saw tonight.
This venue has some more great shows planned, so if you're in the Atlanta area, work one in. Going to concerts of singer/songwriters and fantastic musicians is certainly one of my favorite things to do and I cant wait to be rich so I can go see all my loves.
What a fantastic day from start to finish!

"Yesterday, when you were young, everything you needed done was done was done for you.

Now, you do it on your own, but you find that you're all alone. What can you do?

Walk on, walk on. Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step.

The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you'll ever get.

But, you. and me. Walk on, walk on.

Go where you wanna go.
                    Be what you wanna be.
                               If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else.

But in the end, the only steps that matter 

are the ones you take all by yourself."

-The Weepies, Can't Go Back Now

this is a public service announcement.

"it's time to tear this place down.
i've got the last gig on my mind.
not seen my friends in ages, have i been left behind?
it's time to figure out why i find myself in custody with each and every question on my mind.
fly to El Salvador. i don't know why and i don't know what for.
i've seen the picture for myself.
where did that label go? i tried it out, but it didn't work so, i'll choose the picture for MYSELF.
it's time to start all over.
take only one thing spare to wear."
-Athlete, El Salvador

i am human. i mess up. i make mistakes. i disappoint people that matter to me. i occasionally think before i speak. i've also been known to speak before i think.
sometimes, i commit to doing something that i end up being unable to go through with. i doubt myself and think "i can't actually do this." a time or two, i've told a lie or a white lie or ignored flat out telling the truth in order to protect someone or myself. several times a year, i have a complete meltdown. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't always believe that for myself (thank you, LSAT). sometimes, i don't recognize my own limit and i do really stupid things. i enjoy making art, even though sometimes it's not even worth how much i paid to make it. i enjoy talking with friends and sharing in memories and stories. i like long walks on the beach. not really, actually, i'm not a gigantic fan of sand. there are days when i want to do absolutely nothing except lay in bed and watch a marathon of criminal minds or law and order SVU. i am stressed; i am overwhelmed. i see the best in people and sometimes that entails misjudging them. i am an optimist, a realist and a pessimist simultaneously. i frequently talk to myself. i am beyond the definition of stubborn.
i am going to pick up. leave. and teach myself how to let go.
if you religiously read my blog and this post seems like the last five except reworded but expressing the exact same themes, i am sorry. i take that back. i'm sorry i'm not sorry. this is what i needed today, and maybe you'll find that you needed it too. for the same reasons or for reasons completely different.

                                                                                               

                                                                                             Source: jennyanddukefamily.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

"Failure is always the best way to learn, retracing your steps til you know. 

Have no fear, your wounds will heal." -Kings of Convenience, Failure

This is one thing I know. Love can set you free. 

Now in a "LOVE.Everyday" first, I will include a Biblical inspiration in the daily quotes and music lyrics. Because I needed this refresher, you can find a good definition of it here. Reposted below with the emphasis I particularly had to read to be reminded of today (from The Message).

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.

   Love cares more for others than for self.

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

   Love doesn't strut,

   Doesn't have a swelled head,

   Doesn't force itself on others,

   Isn't always "me first,"

   Doesn't fly off the handle,

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

   Doesn't revel when others grovel,

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

   Puts up with anything,

   Trusts God always,

   Always looks for the best,

   Never looks back,

   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

 11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

 12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the BEST of the three is LOVE.

i just came to say hello

i'd like to speculate that for over 70% of the people I have friend-zoned, they are there permanently. my friend zone boys are some of my favorite friends i have. and i love when they don't randomly test boundaries or think that some drunken night anything is going to change. that small portion of friends who could venture out of the friend zone, keep the flirtatious texts coming my way, but its not going to change anything any time soon. im pretty stubborn. im a social butterfly, enjoying this exact moment. im loving being single. i can't wait to be in España. i love this picture below cause its pretty valid. that road is a two way street. you can be in friend zone and progress towards something else, you can settle in friend zone and stay there forever, you can settle in relationship town and revert back to friend zone. or you can get the hell off this highway and choose another one entirely. 

but its for me to decide where he belongs. 

that's my story and i'm sticking to it. 

"i could stick around, get along with you, hello. it doesnt really mean that i'm into you, hello. you're alright but i'm here darlin to enjoy the party. don't get too excited, cause that's all you'll get from me. yeah, i think you're cute, but i feel like you should know, i just came to say hello. i'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you, hello. imma let you try to convince me to, hello. just enjoy the party. kind of like this game, but there's something you should know. i just came to say hello." -martin solveig feat dragonnette, hello

childhood trophies on my shelf

for whatever reason, i cannot stop listening to this song. its on repeat. and i'm hanging on these phrases in particular. i think Joey Ryan is wonderful so check him out. He was just at WorkPlay and I am SO sad that I missed him. Anyways, I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves and speak to you untainted.

"well, i think i'm gonna work construction. just to make something of myself.
i can't live off these childhood trophies on my shelf.
i wanna get my hands dirty. i wanna feel the burning in my legs.
i want more than a receipt for what i paid.
because everybody loves something new. cause you can open it and plug it in.
and it feels like a good night's sleep, like the girl you like paid you a complement.
they can keep the change and they can keep it coming; they can talk to who's listening, but i'm still looking for something a little more permanent.
I'm still looking for something that I can die with.
cause everything i've ever owned, got dusty and old. so i threw it out just to make myself some room. 
if my luck is running out, please don't let it be so with love. it's been a long year but i'm not giving up. even if i lay 10 million bricks and they break through the summer haze, someone will come around and bull doze 'em down someday."
-Joey Ryan, Permanent

no place in mind, we shall arrive

Today, one of my professors said to a large group of seniors and freshman, "Don't worry about where you're going, because you don't even know." I thought to myself, wow, that's really inspirational. Then I thought, wait a minute. That scares the SHIT out of me. So I dont know where i am going. But that's okay. Because, with no where in mind, we shall arrive. and look up Joey Ryan because he is great. I'm convicted that from my small corner of the world I should shamelessly promote singer songwriters that deserve the spotlight. 

i left you to your own devices with failures weighing on your mind.

like a seed denied the water needed, you're wilted now, all but defeated.

worry not you told me, but i've seen unfold this story. 

strong and steady be your will, leaves your battered body cold and still. 

and i know, you know you need me now. my hand is soft and strong held out for yours to grasp it firm and scream you'll never let it go.

up the asphalt, back in time, no place in mind, we shall arrive.

its better to be on your way than sit and stay and melt away.

and i know, you know you need me now. 

my hand is soft and strong held out for yours to grasp it firm and scream that you'll never let it go. 

listen, i know you know that all along you're scared to hit the end head on.

 so place your weary hand in mine and don't you ever let it go.

cause even as your path may wind, keep me always on your mind.

open ward your heart to me, be not the door that has no key. 

make it good your chance at life, no where in mind, we shall arrive.

-Joey Ryan, We Shall Arrive

To the next person that asks, this is my public proclamation and warning, "What are you doing after graduation?" you WILL be slapped. so just, don't ask. i get very cranky almost instantaneously at such questions. and i might respond with, "i'm sorry, did you plan to be overweight and working at the student health center that is a complete joke of a medical facility at Alabama when you were 22? oh, you didn't? so, how the hell should I know?" thanks. 

it's a two-post kind of day

A bird flies out and over the rooftops
down past the cars in my line of view.
It's a strange beginning, comic and awkward grace.
In a picture, on the table
I'm in a red dress waiting for a reason
holding a tightly packed suitcase.
Maybe I'm too jaded to love somebody like you.
Maybe I want to love my dream that'll never come true.
Someone who is real, oh, gets in the way
and moves inside my heart, not just my head
interfering with how I want to feel.
How do I want to feel, I wonder?
You could be water to me, I could be wine.
The stars have all faded here
they give us no sign.
Is this the right time?
-The Weepies