have you got it in you?

it's hump day. i've had a tremendously frustrating week. it feels like "tides that i tried to swim against have put me down upon my knees, oh i beg, i beg and plead. singing, come out of things unsaid..." is the perfect line to describe my emotions. but i just decided that i'm going to get over this hump. i am going to triumph. in the following ways, i have resolved to succumb to change for the rest of the week. these are my 10 theses of sorts for not just this week, but for the next few weeks. perhaps my self-proclaimations will strike you, something you needed to be reminded of also.

1. one asshole (student or elsewhere) will not ruin my mood or allow me to be phased for more than precisely 60 seconds. not a second longer.
2. i will maintain a fairly normal routine. no more staying up until 4 am, even if it is to finish an incredible book that i could not manage to pry from my own hands.
3. in no way will a list dictate my stress level. a list exists to do the opposite- manage and control the stress level. i will not be overwhelmed by the idea of a never-ending to-do list. the to-do list is ALWAYS never-ending and never will be "complete". this week's tasks are no different.
4. i will consistently breathe.
5. i will force myself to express frustration and emotions to friends to provide them with a window of opportunity that i have not thus far given them.
6. the tight rope hung between allowing an obstacle to challenge and inspire me versus overcome and consume me will be better balanced by combating it with optimism, sleep, a clear mind and with the help of others. i will seek to prove the phrase, "you can do anything you set your mind to." i will refuse to forget how far i have come and how much i have already accomplished.
7. no more rewarding myself with food. i am not a dog, after all. 
8. i will be more cognizant of my own expectations and aware when they are unrealistic. my mental timeline is imaginary. this includes my insatiable desire to predict the future. which, i repeat to myself, i am incapable of doing. i cannot predict the future. more importantly, nor would i want to.
9. since i am missing daily exercise, i will cave and purchase new tennis shoes. i will go running in the park just a few blocks away to clear my mind when i want to do so.
10. nothing of significance occurs overnight. i will remind myself of this more regularly. take one day at a time; certain things are only worth face value and others are worth nothing at all even when considered with a grain of salt.

"it takes a lot to be always on form. it takes A LOT.
i maybe not, all the time, all i've got. maybe not.
it's been one of those days.
safety first, don't push. what's the hurry?
'cause one nerve remaining... have you got it in you?
let me have it all, let me have a battle on.
have you got it in you?"
-Imogen Heap, Have You Got It In You?

queen of insomnia and caffeine

yesterday, i made an official decision. i am NOT human. 
since high school, i haven't really mastered the idea of a normal sleep/wake cycle. in fact, i even printed some articles from Harvard's website on sleep and had the graphs posted by my bed for when i needed to take a quick nap to revitalize my day. I tried to find them to post here, but had little luck.
When I was a serious insomniac, I realized that I couldn't take any sleep prescription because I could never dedicate an entire 8 hours to sleep nor could I maintain any kind of routine. This resulted in trying more homeopathic methods. I stopped drinking caffeine after 4 pm. I did absolutely nothing in my room except sleep, especially nothing in my bed. Then college happened. Caffeine all hours of the day was the only means for survival. Several cups of coffee, multiple Coke Zeros, the occasional Monster or Red Bull and a cup filled with Sweet Tea became integral parts of my diet. Most of the time lack of sleep resulted in running on adrenaline and signaled an incredibly productive day. Now that I am interested in maintaining a "normal" schedule, I have discovered that my body simply despises that idea.
I am most awake from about 8 pm until 1 or 2 am daily, regardless of what time I got up that morning or afternoon. If any over the counter sleep medicine is going to be useful, I must take at least three. THREE. Last night, I took three Advil PM then managed to stay awake riveted by two hours of Law and Order SVU. Subsequently, I laid in the dark for thirty minutes thinking about how badly I didn't want to be thinking about anything and that I wanted to be catching some ZzZ's. Annoyed that lying there was an inefficient use of my time, I sat up and decided to start on some preliminary law school essays, thinking I'd realize how tired I actually was and fall over in a matter of minutes. Two hours later, I had typed three full single-spaced pages, responded to important emails, walked Grey around the entire neighborhood and downed a glass of wine. Around 12:30 (I took THREE Advil PM at 7 pm) I finally crawled back into bed and managed to fall asleep shortly thereafter.
I told my father that I think I should be prescribed to insomnia medication of some kind and he replied, "I'll give you some of my pills. No doctor will give a 22 year old a prescription." You're right, doctors, I'm not an insomniac, I'm just a 22 year old drug dealer like all other 20 somethings.
What's your opinion- Advil PM or Tylenol PM? How do you force yourself to go to bed early and to wake up early even if its against your natural circadian rhythm? And what the hell do you do when you hit the 3:00-4:00 hump when you feel like dying unless you instantly intake several gallons of caffeine?
Why can't we just be like robots that get plugged into the wall with an off/on switch?
Sleep is just such a gigantic waste of my time. Even if it is vital for all life processes. 
Maybe this should be my next read.
At least someone in this house doesn't have a problem sleeping around here...