suck it up, suck it up

Source: verblife.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

admittedly, i've sort of been putting off doing a blog post on this subject, though i have felt it looming over me like a ceiling fan. i had a great epiphany at the beginning of the summer. this epiphany was that my ideal answer to the constant obnoxious, "what are doing after you graduate" question was "working on myself." i had big goals for this summer. i wanted to dive back into regularly attending church, get a mentor to study the Bible with me so that I would start chatting with the Big Man upstairs again. i wanted to get in shape. not saying that i needed to lose weight, but instead to gain a sense of athleticism. i wanted muscle definition and endurance of some kind. the ability to run a mile and not completely feel like dying. i wanted to do some soul searching, traveling, job hunting, studying, reading of good books and relevant news articles. i also wanted to enjoy some time relaxing, breathing and in the company of dear friends. remarkably, i think i did almost all of these things. granted, all of these items are still VERY MUCH so a work in progress, i did indeed manage to start tackling all of them. individually AND simultaneously. i think i deserve a pat on the back for this.
focusing in on the idea of "working out," bear with me. this is something i have NEVER enjoyed. field day was my LEAST favorite day of the year in elementary school BY FAR. in fact, i distinctly remember one day, my mom got the newsletter and said, "oh, stephanie, field day is next Friday. are you going to be sick around Thursday night?" my response included a quick cough and "yeah, Mom, now that you mention it, I might feel something coming on right now. DON'T MAKE ME GO!" i was never picked on teams, i was the last person to finish "running" the mile even when it wasn't a race and i thought that sweating was stupid. ALL of this is behind me ladies and gentlemen. it's definitely still something i do not enjoy, but i DO like the definition i recently acquired in my legs and arms. i love walking by a mirror and thinking, "oh, i don't look so bad" even though i am home alone and have absolutely no one to impress.
you're your toughest critic.
if you want something, go out there and get it.
if you want some change to occur in your life, figure out how to tackle it and see to it that the change becomes a habit. it's incredible what you can do when you really put your mind to it. let me just tell you!
go get 'em tiger.
guess who is one step closer to a beach body and one step closer to winter with multiple layers of clothing? THIS GIRL.

Source: searchingforbliss.tumblr.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

and major props if you caught the tile as a Dave reference. it was an accident. it happens.

queen of insomnia and caffeine

yesterday, i made an official decision. i am NOT human. 
since high school, i haven't really mastered the idea of a normal sleep/wake cycle. in fact, i even printed some articles from Harvard's website on sleep and had the graphs posted by my bed for when i needed to take a quick nap to revitalize my day. I tried to find them to post here, but had little luck.
When I was a serious insomniac, I realized that I couldn't take any sleep prescription because I could never dedicate an entire 8 hours to sleep nor could I maintain any kind of routine. This resulted in trying more homeopathic methods. I stopped drinking caffeine after 4 pm. I did absolutely nothing in my room except sleep, especially nothing in my bed. Then college happened. Caffeine all hours of the day was the only means for survival. Several cups of coffee, multiple Coke Zeros, the occasional Monster or Red Bull and a cup filled with Sweet Tea became integral parts of my diet. Most of the time lack of sleep resulted in running on adrenaline and signaled an incredibly productive day. Now that I am interested in maintaining a "normal" schedule, I have discovered that my body simply despises that idea.
I am most awake from about 8 pm until 1 or 2 am daily, regardless of what time I got up that morning or afternoon. If any over the counter sleep medicine is going to be useful, I must take at least three. THREE. Last night, I took three Advil PM then managed to stay awake riveted by two hours of Law and Order SVU. Subsequently, I laid in the dark for thirty minutes thinking about how badly I didn't want to be thinking about anything and that I wanted to be catching some ZzZ's. Annoyed that lying there was an inefficient use of my time, I sat up and decided to start on some preliminary law school essays, thinking I'd realize how tired I actually was and fall over in a matter of minutes. Two hours later, I had typed three full single-spaced pages, responded to important emails, walked Grey around the entire neighborhood and downed a glass of wine. Around 12:30 (I took THREE Advil PM at 7 pm) I finally crawled back into bed and managed to fall asleep shortly thereafter.
I told my father that I think I should be prescribed to insomnia medication of some kind and he replied, "I'll give you some of my pills. No doctor will give a 22 year old a prescription." You're right, doctors, I'm not an insomniac, I'm just a 22 year old drug dealer like all other 20 somethings.
What's your opinion- Advil PM or Tylenol PM? How do you force yourself to go to bed early and to wake up early even if its against your natural circadian rhythm? And what the hell do you do when you hit the 3:00-4:00 hump when you feel like dying unless you instantly intake several gallons of caffeine?
Why can't we just be like robots that get plugged into the wall with an off/on switch?
Sleep is just such a gigantic waste of my time. Even if it is vital for all life processes. 
Maybe this should be my next read.
At least someone in this house doesn't have a problem sleeping around here...

jumping off a bridge, it's just the furthest that i've ever been.

"another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go... so take the photographs and still frames in your mind..." Greenday
in light of graduation this upcoming weekend, i feel like it is crucial to have a sappy post about where ive been, where im at and how it is all changing, its uncertain, it's scary but that i am thrilled for it. the only problem with that is that i basically just described an entire YEAR of posts. so, instead, this post will be about a song that i think is applicable to all my friends. its been playing on repeat for days now. a toast to how no matter where we all end up, i've got their back and we'll figure out how to stay in touch. the following is a collage of some of my favorite pictures from college. pictures with people i love more than simple words express. pictures from days and events when i was overfilled with happiness and was given memories i am beyond words thankful for. i can't wait to see what else is to come. the pictures are times i was, i think, the absolute happiest in all four years. and to those in these photos, anywhere you go, i'll follow you down.

“Did you see the sky? I think it means that we've been lost. Maybe one last time is all we need. I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots. Jumping off a bridge, it's just the farthest that I've ever been. Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down, anyplace but those I know by heart. I'll follow you down, but not that far. I know we're headed somewhere, I can see how far we've come but still I can't remember anything. Let's not do the wrong thing and I'll swear it might be fun. It's a long way down when all the knots we've tied have come undone. How you gonna ever find your place, running in an artificial pace?” –Follow You Down, Gin Blossoms

grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey

warning: this post contains a plethora of explicatives.
cheers to the freakin weekend, i'll drink to that yeah yeah / with sober girls around me they be actin like theyre drunnkkkkk... like a G6 now now nowwww im feelin so fly like a G6 / because she moves her body like a cyclone / down like she supposed to be,
she gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature ’cause to me she zero degree.
She cold, overfreeze,
I got that girl from overseas
now she my miss America
now can i be her soldier please,
I’m fighting for this girl
I’m a battlefield of love,
Don’t it look like baby cupid sent his arrows from above
don’t you ever leave the side of me,
Indefinitely, not probably,
and honestly im down like the economy / girl, i know, mistakes were made between us two. and we showed our ass that night even said somethings weren't true / them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps She turned around and gave that big booty a smack (hey) she hit the floor (she hit the floor) next thing you know shawty got low low low low low low lowwww / okay youre a goon, but whats a goon to a goblin? / in my rearview mirror is the motherfucking law, got two choices yall pull over the car or bounce on the devil, put the pedal to the floor. now i aint trying to see no highway chase with Jake, plus i got a few dollars i can fight the case so i pull over to the side of the road. i heard son, do you know what im stoppin you for? cause, im young and im black and my hat's real low. do i look like a mind reader, sir? i dont know. am i under arrest or should i guess some more? well you was doin 55 in a 54. license and registration and step outta the car, are you carrying a weapon on you i know a lot of you are. i aint steppin out of shit all my papers legit. well do you mind if i look around the car a little bit? well my glove compartment is locked so is the trunk and the back and i know my rights and you gonna need a warrant for that / grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey, give me everything tonight / listen to this track, bitch. girl, the way you're moving got me in a trance. DJ, turn me up. ladies, this your jam, cmon. imma sip moscato and you go loose them pants. imma throw this money while you do it with no hands, drop it to the floor i love the way your booty goo / that's when she said it, looked me dead in the face, asked cash or credit / she put that sugar on my tongue tongue yippy yippy yum yumm goodie goodie gum drop put me in a tongue lock / i'm about to take my key and stick in the ignition / i need Winn Dixie grocery bag full of money right now to the VIP section yeah yeah yeah / got rubber band banks in my pockets / i dont say hi, i say keys to the Benz /  wanna get you in the bath tub with the candle lit you give it up till they go out or we can do it on stage of the Ludacris concert / i'll slap you off that barstool there goes another lawsuit, leave handprints all across you, Good Lordy whoadie, you must be gone off that water bottle you want what you can't have, ooh girl that's too damn bad/ I got my swim trunks and my flippie-floppies I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's straight flipping copies / I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit, the dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet but this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget I'm on a boat and it's going fast and I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan, I'm the king of the world on a boat like Leo. If you're on the shore, then you're sure not me-oh Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!! fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker!) fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker!) I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah) the boat engine make noise, motherfucker / excuse me, you're a hell of a guy you know i really got a thing for american guys / check my myspace and ive got a lot of friend requests, YES. / if you catch me at the border, i got visas in my name if you come around here, i make em all day ill get one done in a second if you wait sometimes i think sitting on trains, every stop i get to im clocking that game, everyone's a winner we make our own fame 

The premise of Limitless is the main character gets his hands on a drug that allows you to use all of your brain instead of just 20%. It got me thinking, if I could just have the 30% or so that is full of song lyrics back, I could really do some incredible things. Not just any lyrics, I'd like to keep a lot of the lyrics in my head, its the lyrics about bitches, going to the club, gettin drunk etc that I'd like to do away with. Today, I made a smart playlist of my top played rap music and realized how many songs I know every single word to. Words that I couldn't even type above because they're so raunchy and absurd. I've got to believe I could put the portion of memory that knows every word to 99 Problems, What's Your Fantasy and I'm On A Boat towards curing AIDS or helping fight hunger. Until such a drug becomes FDA approved, I suppose I'll still be able to bust out every word while dancing to it with a drink in my hand or while jamming with my windows rolled down. Highly recommend the movie though, it definitely gets you thinking.

forget about the pricetag

Recently there are several huge themes that have become increasingly apparent in my circle of friends. One of them is a constant chat about not having the money for this or that. I get it. Money is a huge limitation. Money doesn’t grow on trees. Now that many of us are on our own (or at least about to be), we are forced to think about things like a budget and what our costs of living are. The magic little squares of plastic in our wallets have lost their magic now that the bill is paid from our own bank accounts. In light of being financially independent and responsible, I’d like to offer a counter point of view. I love this song that’s in iTunes top 100 right now- because how true are these lyrics? “Money can’t buy us happiness. Can we all slow down and enjoy right now? Guarantee we’ll be feeling alright… You can’t put a price on life.” This incredible stage of life where we are young with little to hold us back, we’ve got to make the most of it, regardless of the cost. What you would do if money wasn’t a limitation? How would you use it? Tonight I imagined a dream budget with plenty of extra to give to charities, to spend on hobbies and other past times I enjoy, to entertain friends, to spoil friends with random gifts and surprises, to occasionally treat myself to a massage when its been a long week, I’d only eat locally and organic grown food, to ensure my children can go to the schools of their dreams, to explore the world and check off items from my bucket list… what things would be categories in your dream budget?

Think about your favorite memories. Now try to estimate what the memory cost. Wouldn’t you likely agree that it is ultimately priceless? When I think about some of the times in my life that I was the absolute happiest, it wasn’t always doing something extravagant that cost a lot of money. It’s late nights talking with a beloved pledge sister telling stories from our childhood and laughing til we cried while we were suppose to be studying for an exam the next day. In order to successfully accomplish living with no regrets, you’ve got to seize every opportunity that you have. You have to take some risks, which is probably going to involve dishing out more cash than you might be comfortable with. But I promise you that if you spontaneously decide to go to Miami for the weekend (which a dear friend of mine decided to do a few weeks ago) that in five years you won’t be able to tell anyone the cost of the plane ticket. In fact, you probably won’t even remember the cost of that ticket in two years. But you will remember the awesome times that you had.

Maybe next time you hear this song on the radio,  you won’t just hear it; you’ll listen to what it is actually saying. It makes an excellent, thought-provoking point unlike a majority of the fluff on the radio.

“Money is only paper, only ink. We’ll destroy ourselves if we can’t agree.” –Tracy Chapman

If we have that attitude, Tracy Chapman sings that the rest of the world will fall into place, piece by piece. Like most things in life, it’s about striking that balance. 

i count the steps from where i am to where i started

these empty halls held our disease before we caught it.

what a poetic way of putting it. i'm also a fan of the "slow dancing in a burning room" by John Mayer. i cannot stop listening to Andrew Belle. I thought maybe this obsession would pass, but it's just worsening. He needs a new album asap. I can let him have my journals to inspire some more lyrics that I feel like he writes intimately about my life. I love this guy. I'm serious. Okay, now to the post.

I was having an intellectual conversation with a dear friend from high school last weekend to satisfy a longing for one. I get these intellectual conversation itches that few people care to indulge me in. But, I am deeply grateful for those that do. When someone is up for one on the Holocaust, time and place I am there.
Anyway, we were talking about phases of life. It's odd how if a book ends poorly, it leaves a sour taste in your mouth for the entire book, regardless of how much you liked the majority of it. When one chapter ends unexpectedly, or not how you would prefer, that's when you have to remember that you are not the author but instead the reader. You have to pick it back up and keep reading. Eventually, you realize why that was written the way it was, and you're not upset about it anymore. As Death Cab puts it, "when memories of me seem more like bad dreams."

I am a pro memory-holder-onto-er. But in thinking about the importance and uniqueness of each "phase," event, memory, moment, I've made an outstanding distinction. No one particular event, person, tragedy, dramatic episode, accomplishment, test, disaster, hook up, break-up, embarrassing moment, group project or professor will stand out over another. All of these things have encompassed my collegiate experience, or as referred to by some, the "best four years of my life." However, I'd like to argue (as stated in my prophecy I do quite a bit of) that every phase of life is going to be sweet in its own way. Each letter forming words that create strings of sentences to slowly piece together a huge story. It's my job to make sure that story is one of love with no regrets.

I loved taking naps in kindergarten, but I'd really rather not go back to learning how to read. Talk about room for embarrassing moments! I thoroughly enjoyed the breathing exercise that we use to do as a cast before competition play practice or the massages after a long run-through. But if tomorrow, someone appeared with the option to go back to GAC uniforms, regulations, Dr. Morris and busy work, I would mull it over and kindly reply, "no that's okay. I'll stay right here." This is how I want to think about college. I am not terrified of this G-word, ggggradduatttion. I am thrilled for it. I worked too hard for that day to be filled with depressing terror of what's to come and that my world as I know it has ended. So, I'm done with feeling guilty.

Maybe cyncism has creeped in too deeply, and maybe I am just excited for change. Maybe I do love the idea of an "open door" a little too much and that my shaking for my running shoes is catching up with me with remarkably great timing (for once). But, there is no reason to fret. I remember thinking that fifth grade graduation was the end of the world as I bawled hysterically walking the halls of the elementary school. What a joke. At the time, I was legitimately concerned. The very idea of junior high was filled with unknowns and rumors that you had to write in cursive for each class. In retrospect, I don't think I have ever been forced to write in cursive, ever. In fact, much of the time it's the opposite.

I thought I would never speak to those friends again. Those friends that mattered then (actually mattered), still matter now. I don't just still talk to them, I love them even more now than ever. One of whom I called a hot crying mess a few days ago. He gave me a solution and said he'd have vodka waiting for me as soon as I entered Roswell.

I have great friends that have gotten me to this point, gotten me through all kinds of shit and will continue to be there. When they fade (if they do), new faces will surface to help hold me together. Thank you Facebook, blogspot, Twitter, Skype and the not-so-glorious "network" for reassuring me that whoever I want to stay in touch with that wants to stay in touch with me will have plenty of tools for doing so at their fingertips. Though, it is natural at an event as emotional as Senior chapter or intense questioning about post-graduation plans to have "back and forth and in between like my emotion" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves) I'm standing solidly on optimism. When my eyes scan the printed words of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" I have by my mirror, I am reminded that I have great things waiting for me. Whatever the hell those may be. We ALL do. Regardless of what phase of life we are on. I can't wait to travel to Thailand, to live in Europe, to live in NY, to deposit my first 4 digit paycheck, to stand proudly as a bridesmaid in a dear friend's wedding, to frame my master's degree, to hold my father's shaking hand walking down an aisle of my own, to order business cards that have impressive credentials following my last name, to fall so deeply in love no words can describe the feelings, to win my first trial, to support Reggy and the shelter monthly, to have an excuse to eat cake nonstop all day long because I am pregnant, to run a complete mile without decrepitating exhaustion, to sign the line with my name signifying I own my own house, to look at my first born in a face that resembles my own...

Who knows which of those things will occur and in what order, perhaps all of them will. I refuse to be convinced that at 22, I have expended the best years of my life. Regardless of how wonderful those 22 years have been lived. As "I count the steps from where I am, to where I started" (Andrew Belle, Static Waves), what an insane journey its been. But I am leaving it, regardless of whose permission I have or have not received and going onto something equally great, just great in a different way.

All things are good in their own time. And for this, it is time. As I painted on a canvas as a gift for a friend freshman year, it's time to return to a bumper-sticker inspiration. In the next three weeks, I will live it up and drink it down. Laugh it off, avoid bull shit and take chances, without regrets because at one point, everything was exactly what I wanted.
What I really needed was to reminded last week that "I am the captain of this ship, curious hands and fingertips. It's for no one but me to say what direction I shall turn in now." (Dave Matthews, Captain)

pouting and listening to andrew belle on repeat

deep reverie of thought, contemplation and funk. 

senior year really is almost over. the weekend is over. 

and i just kind of wish that i could express those feelings like these little kids. 

thank god there is a caramel cake in the apt. and sommee cards to make me laugh. 

 

UGH WHY IS THE WEEKEND OVER???!

i punched him to be like, yo. what you did was wrong.

come on in through my screen door, tell me your cares i'm here to lend my ears

where you been lately? i haven't seen you much around here.

don't you know i love you when you're down and dirty

don't you know i love you when you're clean

if you could see what i see, you'd see a boy that can't face things.

silent is all he is. 

you know i'd like to help, but when i let you ride for free you drag me down into the cheap, cheap scene.

you got this thing against living with the best, but you sure like to visit me, don't you?

i know everything ain't always what it seems to be

don't you know i love you, baby, anyway i find you, anyway you come.

-Shannon McNally, Down and Dirty

She's amazing. And she's my family. Check her out.

I'm feeling a huge piece of art coming on soon. I need a good way to get out my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I'll take it out on my canvas or Jersey Shore style. It just may end up being both.

all that remains is a place where you no longer are, this is goodbye

"I've been searching deep down in my soul, words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I'm starting all over again. The last three years were just pretend and I said, goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine." -Michelle Branch 
has it really been 20 days since i last posted?? wow.
today, i am stuck on a word. just one word. goodbye.
there is a song written by greg laswell that I have not been able to stop playing, it's soothing and its lyrics are captivating and somehow, it hasn't been applicable until today. this post is going to be ALL over the place so take from it the piece you find that you can relate to and take the rest as my rambling. with goodbye typed into itunes so Greg Laswell's Goodbye could play on repeat, I heard other favorites and I started really thinking, hence inspiring the rest of my hectic world to stop spinning long enough for deep thought and posting.
i've always thought the best medicine for almost any situation was speaking your mind and throwing out your opinion. being told you're wrong is healthy because sometimes you simply are. but there is a lot to be said between the different shades of "goodbye." as i've referenced in previous posts, i have chastised myself for being overly forgiving and for my inability to give up on people. this is a rough combo and though good character traits, perhaps aren't the smartest, safest or best for a number of reasons. so today is about saying goodbye. goodbye to some dreams that i cannot accomplish overnight, to some goals that are unrealistic. to a class that i didn't need to take. to an old self that would have handled herself differently. goodbye to my "say goodbye" attitude inspired by Dave Matthews that has protected me for two solid years.
goodbye is in order for some items on my mental lists meaning a complete disappearance where only faint traces can be found later. goodbye, synonymous with goodbye for good. permanent. closure. letting go.
goodbye is in order for other words written on this mental list that indicates a change. like a goodbye to that, and hello to its new form. a better, refreshed, renewed version.
there is a goodbye that is meaningless, carrying no weight which is only uttered out loud because its a habit. "love to have you with me, almost all the time. life just isnt like that, at least not mine. there's no need for hello, there's little reason for goodbye. never need to miss you 'cause you're always on my mind." - Shannon McNally
and goodbye is the exact opposite of other importance things i have going on, exciting things that i'm saying hello to. hello to open mindedness, hello to the unknown and to making the most of each second. hello to familiar faces sprinkled across my path on campus. hello to old friends i cherish time with. hello to opportunities. hello to trying on a cap and gown. hello self-control and will power. hello irony. Hey baby, hey baby hey.
Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go.

"You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you, from where I sit, you're one of a kind. Relationships I don't know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind. I've been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love protection. What do you say, honey, come to my defense. I stand up for you if its what you need. I got deep desire and it needs quenching, I think that's pretty plain for you to see." -Griffin House

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 

 

Please, take my hand. 

Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.

It's so simple and you know it is.

Just say yes.

Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 

For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

hello 2011

well, it's been a while, but i am back. and its Sunday, so you know what that means.

the buzz of "best of 2010" lists and pressure to make some resolutions has gone completely unnoticed to me because i've been reading, traveling and watching mad men like the three are my fulltime job. i've reached the point where answering, "oh, you're graduating in may? what are your plans?" really makes me want to punch people. a few weeks ago the question was obnoxious, now it stimulates violent thoughts. so my resolutions are to figure that out and to keep all the other resolutions that i have every year- those i stick to and those i don't succeed in at all. most importantly, LOVE. above everything else. 

keep my priorities in line.

make myself proud and those around me proud as well.

remember that it's okay to cry and to not know and to be confused.

breathe.

pray.

visit a gym.

take care of those i love.

make the most of every second and live with no regrets.

travel.

read books and the news daily.

journal.

learn from myself and others.

do something extraordinary. something new. something that makes a difference.

estos son mis deseos para el año nuevo and praise God its a new year.

thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you CLARITY

As I was driving to a friend's family's house for thanksgiving, I was thinking, "What am I really thankful for?" Well, of course I am thankful for many things. Good health, my wonderful father, my amazing friends who keep me breathing, and for all of the hundreds of ways that I am so incredibly blessed. But as these words were sung over my speakers in my car, I had a large realization. 

I am most thankful for this journey.

And if I have to, I'll listen to these songs and read and re-read these quotes every day until I actually believe their words. It's my hope that my readers in similar uncertainty, help me thrive in this "delicious ambiguity" and find encouragement in the words of others who have been right here with us, plenty of times. 

I don't have it figured out, but that's perfectly fine.

Darling, nothing ever goes exactly how you planned it

I guess I've been here long enough to see

That time can be your dearest friend

Or time can be a bandit

When tomorrow changes into history

And oh my my, honey everybody dies

But you got, you got to see

That you can live your life walking in a straight line

But it's more than just A to B

Maybe it'll find you lying peaceful under blankets

Or bleeding at the bottom of the stairs

Oh but it's not when or how you go

It's life and what you make it

It's the traveling, not the road that gets you there.

(Matt Hires, A to B)

“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…” –gilda radner

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on the tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride…

happiness  is a JOURNEY, not a destination. for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. -Souza 

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. do not search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. -rilke 

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind

I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah

I'm high but I'm grounded, 

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone

I'm free but I'm focused,

I'm green but I'm wise

I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing,

I'm brave but I'm chicken shit,

I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

but everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine.

'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving a peace sign

And what it all boils down to

Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah

Is that everything is just fine, fine, fine.

(Alanis Morissette, Hand In My Pocket)

wine makes you feel funny. fast.

how i wish you could see the potential,

the potential of you. and me.

its like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read.

you gotta spend some time, love. 

you gotta spend some time with me.

and i know that you'll find: LOVE.

i will possess your heart.

-death cab for cutie

we should be rioting in the streets!

First, I'd like to begin with the exception that lies in the great program of New College, which I love very much and visibly see a difference in combating and recovering against many of the issues I am about to discuss.
Quotes are taken from the introduction and chapters 7 and 8 of Beer And Circus, found here. While inspiration has come from numerous discussions over the past two years in classes I've taken.

"This place is a four year party-- one long tailgater--with an $18,000 annual cover charge." -Junior at a large university

Reasons why my undergraduate degree is bullshit:
1. The Good Researcher = The Good Teacher Myth
Due to the notoriety, PR, and money that can be found in research for large universities, universities are seeking good researchers. Not good teachers. "Scholarly productivity and instructional effectiveness have less than 2 percent... in common." If all the professors are putting their energy and time into doing research... where do they do it? Because it sure as hell isn't in their offices.
2. The Sheer Numbers
Thanks to increasing capitalism, the growing number of students going TO college now, the gigantic class size and the diminishing teacher to student ratio the universities are attempting new methods of instruction. The lecture style of teaching is research-proven completely ineffective for the average student. Less than 25% of classes are actually taught by the tenured faculty members due to help from teachers that barely speak English, graduate assistants and "gypsies" who are nomadic professors who only hang around a particular university for a limited amount of time. This leads to essentially zero teacher-student interaction. "In a 1980 study, the Carnegie Foundation determined that at research universities, only 9 percent of the faculty spent more than eleven hours a week teaching undergraduates, whereas 65% logged less than ten hours a week in this endeavor, and 26% spent ZERO hours on undergraduate teaching (two decades later, there is even less classroom contact between faculty and undergraduates, particularly between faculty and nonhonors students)."
The college education is becoming less about the things students are learning and more about the "experience behind it all" such as the...
3. Beer And Circus: "many universities, because of their research and graduate programs, and because of their inability to provide quality undergraduate education to most of their students, spend increasing amounts of money on their athletic departments, and use big-time college sports--commercial entertainment around which many undergraduates organize their hyperactive social lives--to keep their students happy and distracted and the tuition dollars rolling in." The beer and circus is the party life associated with the sports (namely, football) that students perpetuate IS college.
4. Grade Inflation- the nonsense of a gpa, the teacher/ta discretion, and the pressure put on professors that not too many students can fail nor can a certain amount of students receive A's
5. Apathy- clearly caused by both students and faculty- the uninformed don't care, the informed either do care but feel powerless or don't care either.
6. Degree = "Hula Hoop"  jump through this one, get onto the next one. Now, a graduate degree is what the undergrad degree use to be, and a high school diploma is commonplace. Thank you two years of prerequisites for nothing. Thank you, two years of classes that have meant something to my future, maybe. ish.

So, what DOES the University value? Well, the flow. This working cycle. the influx. The students are still enrolling, the parents are pleased enough to pay the bill, the alumni are sending in checks, the locals are tailgating, and the PR is making it all look plain and dandy on the surface. the value comes in that its all working just fine.

I'd like to expand on some of the points above, and keep rambling about this new-found soapbox of mine while simultaneously advocating for small liberal arts programs such as New College, but I really need to get ready for my sorority cocktail party tonight... I have to do my hair, my makeup. But first, make a drink.
Time to switch to indie music and put on some rap to start the prega....