journey

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well, i knew what i didn't want to know
and i saw where i didn't want to go
so i took the path less traveled on
and i let my stories be whispered when I'm gone
when I'm gone
well in this life, you must find something to live for
'cause when the darkness comes a-callin' you go back to where you were before
'cause this life is as fragile as a dream
and nothing's ever really as it seems
as it seems
well i lost my innocence one day, when in i let him dive
but the way that he looked at me made me feel alive
and now i know nothing at all but the release that comes when you're in mid fall
in mid fall
in mid fall
cause in this life, you must find something to live for...
-Lily Kershaw, As It Seems

Sometimes, a song strikes me to the core no matter how many times I have heard it before. And its a clear visceral response that I can feel where my heart and mind simultaneously agree, "yes, thats it! thats exactly how we feel." I don't know if songs affect you that way, but lyrics are certainly one of my favorite languages when my own fails me. The past few weeks I have had so much on my mind, such weight on my shoulders while simultaneously traveling substantially. It's been a total roller coaster ride. At this point, these days are all about managing the highs and lows and ordering them to balance out. I have been thinking about the future of this blog and whether or not I will continue to maintain it. In September will be the blogs second anniversary. I am quite confident I will not have much time to dedicate to its postings next year while I have my nose buried in a book and selfishly, since I am unaware of who reads it if anyone, I cannot help but thinking my time will be better spent in the upcoming months dedicating time to my own journals and my travel blog (www.defineyourdestination.blogspot.com). That being said, if there is demand, there will be future posts and if there is no demand, this blog will probably be rarely updated. There is inspiration and ideas for great posts and not enough time or drive to see them through. This blog has been near and dear to my heart. It's posts contain raw thoughts and emotions with words direct heart strings and my opinion as precisely as I could have expressed it.

I hope that whatever reservations usually keep you from commenting, that if you were ever to leave a comment, it would be on this post. Otherwise, readers from wherever in the world that you are reading, it's been quite a journey. And journeys are one of my favorite things. It's certainly one hell of one I am on. And I wish you nothing but the best on yours.

With love,
Stephanie

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just keep doing what you're doing

i think i am turning from someone who never cries to someone who cries easily. and im actually a little terrified of being labeled a "crier." i've just never been that girl. but, i sat down to watch The Emmy Awards last night and all of the sudden, I had teared up after listening to about five speeches during this woman's speech- shown below. The thing is, actors are real people. Even though they're celebrities to us, at one point, they had these big dreams that they never thought they could reach.

in case you didn't watch it- the best part was "i'm sorry i'm a crier. my mom and dad, who supported me forever and shouldn't-of and said just keeping doing what you're doing. i'm from plainfield, illinois and i'm standing here and it's kind of amazing."

Just think about Colin Firth saying to his dad when he was little that he wanted to be an actor.
Telling his friends that he was going to be in movies one day.
Believing that he would be in a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE FILM.
That one dream alone would have alienated friends. And surely, his support system said, "yeah, you can do it!" but I'm quite confident they probably wouldn't have bet their life saving's that he would be cast in a big film... much less be cast in A LOT of big films. Much less become a household name. Much less, be nominated for an Oscar. Be nominated for A LOT of Oscars. Oh, and then win one. For best actor.
And that's why I love watching Award shows. Maybe they're all about the glitz and glam for others, but I love watching people be honored for hard work. And I love watching them say, "hey, i chased this dream that use to seem crazy and intangible and really extreme... but now it's REAL. it's not only REAL, it's my life. it didn't turn out how i wanted. it turned out better." 
I'm thrilled for Mad Men, one of my favorite shows. But watching last night made me realize, there is a lot of good TV out there. Though I proudly stay ahead of the movies, I am behind in TV. If I think Breaking Bad and Dexter are excellent and other shows took home Emmys, I can't imagine how good those shows must be. Especially these shows I've never even heard of! I better start watching Modern Family....
maybe when Award season comes back in February, you will catch a few minutes of it.
Until then, check out The Voice or So You Think You Can Dance or Project Runway- two other inspiring shows where people with exceptionally raw talent get recognized and get a chance at actively chasing and pursuing their dreams.
It takes my breath away.
More importantly, watching these people inspires me to get up in the morning and suffer through all the little steps I have to take to get to "there."
If that doesn't inspire you to survive stressful work, maybe this will.


what? a fluffy post was LONG overdue.

zebras don't exactly change their stripes

"with every sun that sets, I am feeling more like a stranger on a foreign shore with an eroding beach disappearing from under me... i always fall in love with an open door

with a horizon on an endless sea as i look around at the ones who are standing right in front of me. "

 -Death Cab for Cutie, My Mirror Speaks

Turned onto this amazing blog by a sorority sister, I have been enthralled with this random stranger's journey.
I cannot help but feel envy as I search the pages of photos and stories nor can I ignore the similarity between myself and this person who I will never meet. My lust for travel cannot be matched, must less understood by a majority of the people that I know. But it goes beyond that. It's not exactly something I can describe with the limiting conventions of language. I stumbled upon a page asking, "How do we know when it's time to go home?" And for a solid hour or two, I pondered this exact question.
The concept of home, however strange with an ever-changing location and perhaps evolving definition.
Where is my home? Is that where I am, home? In a large suburban house full of nothing except junk, antiques, multiple china patterns, stuff and lurking memories around every corner of tears, drunken escapades, hugs, conversations lasting until after sunrise, nights spent sound asleep and nights spent tossing and turning without sleep at all.
Surely, I am still in search of home. I could find and make home out of anywhere. Home is where the heart is and my heart is fractions across the entire world. Part of it is in Vienna. Part of it is in California. Part of it in Alabama. Part of it has to be saved for wherever I end up in the future. Won't where I attend law school, where I practice law, where I work, where I raise a family all be considered, "home"?
Or maybe, I am just confused and little do I know that my suitcase heart is just a girl waiting on a slow-pony home? Back to here.
It is my intention to spend the next year answering this question. When it is time to go home versus when you cannot take it with you. Although, I liked one response that said something along the lines of, it is time to go home when you are more inspired and thrilled at the thought of comfort and stability than of the next adventure or new experience. Will that sentiment ever fill my body? Certainly, at this moment, the opposite is true. And I suppose that is why I am on the front-end of a year of travel instead of on the other end.

As the day of my departure back to a country where I believe I left a small portion of my heart encroaches, more and more people are asking, "what are you afraid of?" or "are you starting to freak out?"
I could not answer it better than my new best friend, Daniel elegantly expressed here.
My favorite part highlighted in blue and Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V'ed below:

“Daniel, I’m so excited to see where you will go and who you’ll meet and what you will eat. But to be honest, I’m also really curious to hear about your fears. I want to know what they are and how you’ll navigate them.”

When it comes to questions posed to me about my trip, the popular inquiry is about my destinations or my trajectory, which makes perfect sense considering a travel-based project such as mine. But for Ashley, as she admittedly jostles with her own big life decisions, she simply wants a reference point from someone else who is in the flux of reconfiguring life.

                                                                             How does one deal with the fear of change?

There shall be no shame in asking this question.

he goes onto say this: 

There are certain fears that one might infer when pondering the idea of long-term international travel. Many of these fears I recognize, but for one reason or another do not resonate on any sort of debilitating level. For instance, I’m not specifically afraid of being lonely, for loneliness has been present when I was not traveling. I’m not afraid of having my camera or computer or personal items stolen, I have mentally prepared myself for this to occur at some point during the journey. I’m not afraid of being hungry or without shelter, as I have a general faith that my fellow humans will provide for me at my most vulnerable moments. I’m not afraid of being hijacked and murdered by disgruntled Columbian terrorists because, well, I’m not planning on going to Columbia. I generally believe that anything tragic that could happen to me on the road could also happen to me (in some form or another) crossing the street in my hometown.

So what are the fears?

My greatest concerns revolve more around what will happen to me after my travels. These fears are most relatable, I feel. Such as, how will I financially support myself in the future? Who will take care of me if I become permanently ill? Will I ever reestablish the wonderful and illusive trifecta of employment, apartment and friends I had somehow been fortunate to obtain in Montreal before leaving? How do I deal with all the unknowns of life?

I guess what I’m arriving to is the idea that travel is not that scary. But life is.

And if I am forced to really focus on travel-related fears, I suppose there is one great concern. It reads like this: In the “me-centric” pursuit of this dream, I fear the dynamics of my relationships with family and friends will change. I’m afraid that this absence is asking too much from them. 

then, he ends with this:

So, I move forward. Putting relationships to the test. Prioritizing “individual” over “community.” Wondering who will still be cheering me on after this journey. Breaking my mother’s heart, once again. Feeling intuitively guided, and making few apologies for my decisions.

And in my moments of self-doubt and wondering if I’m making the right life decisions, it helps to bring out the old “scale of life.” Each time I balance the concerns of leaving versus the potential personal profits, when I weigh the prospective gains against the conceivable costs, the scale keeps pointing to a simple (minimally fear-laced) sentiment:

Go. For. It.

and excitedly, this marks the end of my alphabet challenge. in case you missed it, the last 27 posts have begun with a letter of the alphabet starting with A and ending with this one, Z. it was not an easy task, but it was done. 

umbrellas rendered useless when it actually rains

"she may be young, but she only likes old things.
she loves the natural light, captured in black and white.
she sees mirages and mountain ranges, within a blink of her eyes it changes back to the open plains.
                                                                     oh no, she can't explain.
i cry out love, 'keep your arms around me. 
                                 i am a bird that's in need of grounding.
                                                        i'm built to fly away, never learn how to stay.'
the night is gonna fall and the vultures will surround you.
when you're looking in the mirror, what you see is gonna to astound you.
but all these lines and grays refine, they are the maps of our design of what began on a Monday morning.
and all the glow of you from inside the room, is burning on inside of you."
-Death Cab for Cutie, Monday Morning

suck it up, suck it up

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admittedly, i've sort of been putting off doing a blog post on this subject, though i have felt it looming over me like a ceiling fan. i had a great epiphany at the beginning of the summer. this epiphany was that my ideal answer to the constant obnoxious, "what are doing after you graduate" question was "working on myself." i had big goals for this summer. i wanted to dive back into regularly attending church, get a mentor to study the Bible with me so that I would start chatting with the Big Man upstairs again. i wanted to get in shape. not saying that i needed to lose weight, but instead to gain a sense of athleticism. i wanted muscle definition and endurance of some kind. the ability to run a mile and not completely feel like dying. i wanted to do some soul searching, traveling, job hunting, studying, reading of good books and relevant news articles. i also wanted to enjoy some time relaxing, breathing and in the company of dear friends. remarkably, i think i did almost all of these things. granted, all of these items are still VERY MUCH so a work in progress, i did indeed manage to start tackling all of them. individually AND simultaneously. i think i deserve a pat on the back for this.
focusing in on the idea of "working out," bear with me. this is something i have NEVER enjoyed. field day was my LEAST favorite day of the year in elementary school BY FAR. in fact, i distinctly remember one day, my mom got the newsletter and said, "oh, stephanie, field day is next Friday. are you going to be sick around Thursday night?" my response included a quick cough and "yeah, Mom, now that you mention it, I might feel something coming on right now. DON'T MAKE ME GO!" i was never picked on teams, i was the last person to finish "running" the mile even when it wasn't a race and i thought that sweating was stupid. ALL of this is behind me ladies and gentlemen. it's definitely still something i do not enjoy, but i DO like the definition i recently acquired in my legs and arms. i love walking by a mirror and thinking, "oh, i don't look so bad" even though i am home alone and have absolutely no one to impress.
you're your toughest critic.
if you want something, go out there and get it.
if you want some change to occur in your life, figure out how to tackle it and see to it that the change becomes a habit. it's incredible what you can do when you really put your mind to it. let me just tell you!
go get 'em tiger.
guess who is one step closer to a beach body and one step closer to winter with multiple layers of clothing? THIS GIRL.

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and major props if you caught the tile as a Dave reference. it was an accident. it happens.

nothing like a dream to create your future

I've been wanting to do a post with this clip from a favorite TV Show, Dexter, for a long time. This show is incredibly well done and despite its morbid nature, I am totally addicted to it. Anyways, in this clip, pay attention to the tape this guy is listening to.

Just imagine if that's what you woke up to each morning. The voice of a confident man telling you that WHATEVER you want, you can HAVE. Just, TAKE IT.
"Do you want to have control of your life? You have that power, you just have to learn to use it. You can have all the excuses you want... but if you want something, TAKE IT... it's entirely up to you. The world does not put limitations on what you can have."
The only thing standing in between you and your dream is YOU.
We are our own worst enemy, make no mistake about it.
Doesn’t that make you feel a little responsible? Well, it should.
I had a great aha-moment on Tuesday. It was the exact moment when I realized that I am moving to Spain and doing exactly what I said I wanted to do a year ago. A year ago exactly in fact.
One year ago, I had just said goodbyes to newly made friends and boarded a plane home. I sat in first class and drank a mimosa as I stared out of the window before the plane took off already contemplating how I would get back to that country. By no means am I trying to say, "look at me, i'm awesome, i've got it figured out" because uh, that is not true. at all. BUT I am saying that I hope that you find the courage within yourself to persue something that you want to do. You will find that the second you are actually DOING it, you almost become an entirely new person.
I have known for over a month now that I will be moving to Spain.
It did not become real until very recently. I accepted my official letters of placement, participated in commencement wearing my cap and gown with honors cords proudly and put my 35 page visa application in the mail. As my Dad said goodbye to me at the airport after a whirlwind weekend dubbed "graduation," he said, "this is going to be a crazy 60 days." Driving home I realized, oh my, that's all it is, 60 days. In actuality, it's more like 52 now, and all I have to do is stay focused, stick to my goals and get all my ducks in a row. It’s necessary to make sacrifices in order to achieve what you want. I'm ready to buckle down and do it.
I want to go to law school. Not just ANY law school, but a law school that I want to go to. with a strong international law program, a name of notoriety, an impressive pro-bono program, excellent faculty and staff, a dynamic student body, stellar journal publications and a beautiful campus in a huge city full of opportunities and challenges. That’s what I want.
Unfortunately, in order to do that, I have to take this BEAST they call the LSAT. But, that’s exactly what I am going to do. TAKE IT.

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"Would you not like to be sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free? I can't believe we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that we might have been, could have been, maybe. I can't believe that you would not like to be okay, okay, okay." - Dave Matthews, Lie in Our Graves

less drowning, more land

though i am not 100% positive, i think the sensation pumping through my blood has not been felt in over four years. i have not felt the security and excitement of pieces falling into place like this in a LONG time. and it feels amazing. i feel like I am no longer watching my dreams from the window  (read what post i am referencing here) but instead i am holding them in my hand like a snitch. watching that dream flap its wings excitedly as i am holding it, just waiting for me to line up a few more puzzle pieces so that i can grab ahold of it fully and let its wings carry me there.
plans are odd things. this year in particular, i have advocated being open minded and ready for anything (reference here). i have reassured myself there is beauty in uncertainty. and after several months, i relapsed into PLAN mode and started laying down plans left and right. it just creeped up on me. finally, i caved under the peer pressure to have it all miraculously figured out. shockingly with a little elbow grease and a few great contacts, i was feeling really good about the new blueprint. i had some promising options hanging in the air and was thrilled for the things i had lined up for myself. then BOOOM. i received an email about a job i had applied for in February. three emails and two days later, i had accepted a year-long position in Madrid, Spain. goodbye plan. hello awesomeness. one of my absolute favorite Bible verses is the Lord's answer to Habakkuk's complaint in chapter one of Habakkuk. He says, "I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."
what's that?  i am not in control? seriously?! this entire time i was thinking i was. oh, was that where i went wrong? well, thanks for the slap in the face, god/fate/destiny/chance/all of the above. a very, very sincere thank you. it was deserved i suppose. i am beyond words exhilarated and thrilled not just for myself but for those around me as i excitedly stay tuned on how their futures are coming together so beautifully also. perhaps patience really IS a virtue, after all. who knew.

"no more false starts and no dead ends" -from his wonderful and newly released album, Matt Nathanson, Mercy      Watch him preform it live by clicking here!

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they'll only be there til you're dead, so DREAM.

“Go CONFIDENTLY in the direction of your dreams! 

Live the life you’ve imagined” –Thoreau

Every morning when I sat up in my bed in my old apartment, the wall facing me held a canvas with the above quote. Naturally, I got use to its presence, so it didn't always serve the purpose of encouraging me to follow my dreams and do what I want to do, taking whatever steps I needed to get there. That's not easy to do. 
I've taken on a deep adoration for Fleetwood Mac's line,

 "Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?"
 I do. I have A LOT of dreams I'd like to sell. 
It surely would make things easier. 

Walking through the streets two weeks ago, I stumbled upon a group of musicians who were passionately playing this awesome music. These men were smiling, so incredibly happy to be doing what they loved. I stood and watched in awe as i let these thoughts settle over me. They had a HUGE crowd gathered around to watch and listen. People from the surrounding streets were  eager to join these talented individuals sharing their passion with others. there was this magnetic energy surrounding these guys and it was thrilling to watch. After several minutes, I walked away and continued onto my intended destination. Astoundingly, when I walked by five hours later, these guys were still at it. There was still a sizable circle around them, eyes glued with smiles painted on their faces. A few kids were even dancing along. I firmly believe that even if there hadn't been almost 100 people standing there, this group would have still been playing proudly with just as much energy. What a statement! 

Street musicians are generally looked down on, ignored, seen as a nuissance or whatever. There are huge misconceptions about poverty across the world. But I have a new-found appreciation for these musicians and the artists you see. Who knows, maybe they could be a lawyer or doctor but choose to do this because it's what their passionate about. More power to them. Since I can't sell my dreams or manage to forget about them, I will take a lesson from these guys and trust that if I do something I love, I will be happy. I will draw others to me as well. Everything else will fall in line after that.

A few days ago, I encountered a woman who pointedly questioned my intelligence, my background, my family and in the process insulted me more deeply than I have ever been insulted before. She boldly argued that I had no dreams and that if I did have dreams, I would be walking toward them on a straight and narrow path. I beg to differ. I do not think that the path is straight. Well, at least not any interesting path. I think my path has curves, bridges, waterfalls, concrete, yellow bricks and will lead me all kinds of adventures. Dreams are like the road signs that guide you and get you to wherever you want to be  headed. Luckily for this woman, I started thinking about the dreams that I have had throughout my life. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Or more specifically, one day my six year-old self  told my mother, "a dancing pig doctor." As a kid, I would play teacher for hours on end by myself upstairs. True. Thanks for almost 11 years of dancing, choreographing, directing plays, stage managing and acting, I would do anything to be on Broadway. Ever since my first trip to Paris, I've wanted to travel the world. Every summer day for several years, I watched ER at 10 am and 11 am which made me want to be an ER surgeon like George Clooney. With my mission trips and commitment to the refugees in Vienna, Austria, it is a deeply rooted dream of mine to support that mission monthly from my own paycheck. Languages captivate me. I dream of being bilingual and raising my children bilingual. 

In the scene between the window frame 
Where the jackals preyed on every soul
Where they tied you to a pole 
And stripped you of your clothes
I was a dreamer, staring at windows
Out onto the main street cause that's where the dream goes
And each time they found fresh meat to chew
I would turn away and return to you
You would offer me your unmade bed
Feed me till I'm fed, read me till I'm read
But when the morning came
You would catch me at the window again...
And when I got older, when I grew bolder
Out onto the streets I flew
Released from your shackles
I danced with the jackals
And learned a new way to move
So before you take this song as truthYou should wonder what I'm taking from you, how I benefit from you being here
Lending me your ears while I'm selling you my fears...

-Becoming A Jackel, Villagers

I realize that my dreams have changed a lot if I think about the different ones that I have had over my lifetime, but I have not forgotten them. "Don't lose the dreams inside your head, they'll only be there til your dead. So dream, little darling, DREAM." (Dave Matthews) I have gone from thinking about them in almost a fantasizing manner [staring out of windows onto the street where the dreams go] to actually realizing them- BECOMING these dreams [out onto the street i flew, released from your shackels, i danced with the jackals], one step at a time.  

I cannot forget them, I cannot sell them, so I must ensure that I am actively, passionately and CONFIDENTLY chasing my dreams. I will ensure that I am supporting my friends and encouraging them to do the same. Let's stop staring out of the window and join in!