i remember a time my balance was fine

"I try so many times but it's not taking me

                                                                            and it seems so long ago that I used to believe

and I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy but I cant get out of it. 

I'm just stumbling

                                                                           And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head

I'm juggling and my fears on fire

but I'm listening as it evolves in my head...

And I remember the time my balance was fine

and I was just walking on one fine wire

Life plays so many games inside of me

and I've had some distant cries, following 

and they're entwined between the night and sun beams

I wish I were free from this pain in me

I remember the time my balance was fine..."

-Colbie Caillat, One Fine Wire

hashtag happy, no wait, miserable. no wait, happy.

These days are characterized by mood swings of new proportions. I feel that the weekends where I stay in Madrid drag on, the weekdays also go by painstakingly slow but yet, the fact that its the EIGHTH of May shocks me to the core. 

I have seven weeks left of living in Europe. 

Then, I am looking at around three weeks to move from Atlanta to Malibu. 

Admittedly, my mind is already in Malibu in many regards. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of buying a new couch, selling some things in the house, going through junk I have no use for with less care than a host from Clean Sweep. I am preoccupied with things I should be doing that I cannot at this time- find an apartment, finish my FAFSA forms, etc etc that I need to be in California barking down my Father's back for help. Conversely, I was walking through my neighborhood today thinking of how deeply I will miss Spanish rolling fluidly off my tongue, weaving through these intricate streets alive with culture and rich in history, with free time to do things like blog or read three books in five days and be completely up-to-date on all my favorite TV shows. But as a friend recently candidly wrote me, "the universe can be such an asshole" and you don't get to choose when certain chapters end and begin nearly as tactfully as you may wish. and that's how you end up with mood swings, questioning your own incapability of balancing what you're doing in this moment and where you're headed. 

balance. 

One of the most poignant themes of my time living in Spain has managed to again remind me that i'm no master and i have much more learning to do. Where is the balance between falling for someone stupidly and falling for someone gracefully? When do you cut yourself off and demand yourself to walk away? At what moment is your investment in someone else's time and feelings the "right amount"? Is there such a thing? Is falling off that wire such a tragic thing, anyway? Maybe the most healthy way to approach complicated paradoxes is not by carefully walking the tightrope without falling off, but instead on hopping from one side to the other? 

These are questions I blog about because they're things rolling around desperately in my thoughts with no answers. What do you think? Where do you find balance in your life? Where is there lack of balance? 

All I know is I identify with the lyrics presented above. I know that over the weekend, I felt trapped in Madrid. claustrophobic like I wasn't able to breathe while thinking my next booked flight was not until my flight back to the US in July. Though I have zero intentions of changing my habit of caving to my gypsy-like desires, high blood pressure due to lack of foreseen travel in five weeks is a new level I am not sure is healthy. With my patience growing thin on nailing down upcoming weekend plans, finally a few things fell into place. I have plans for this weekend, which I am super excited about. Yes, in two days I will be on the road again. And it makes the surrounding air easier to breathe. 

I also booked my (extremely expensive, might I add) flight to VIENNA! As I have written many times, Vienna has a huge hold on my heart. One of my first mission trips and most certainly the most impactful mission work that I participate in, this upcoming trip will be my seventh trip to the shelter. I couldn't possibly be more thrilled. 

Until I have "it all figured out" (which will never happen) I will most likely continue to endure this insomnia while I lay awake wondering why I don't have some magical "how to balance abstract nouns and life's absurdities" handbook and blogging about how I managed to screw it up.  

it's just too bright, as the days keep turning into night

"Well, I have been searching all of my days.
Many a road, you know, I've been walking on, all of my days.
And I've been tryin' to find, what's been on my mind, as the days keep turning into night.
Well, I have been quietly standing in the shade, all of my days.
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made, all of this rain.
And I've been trying to find, what's been in my mind, as the days keep turning into night.
Many a night, I found myself with no friends standing near..
I cried aloud, I shook my hands, 'what am I doing here?!' all of these days...
For I look around me, and my eyes, confound me.
And it's just too bright, as the days keep turning into night.
So I smile, and know I'll feel this loneliness no more. For I look around me, and it seems you've found me.
And it's coming into sight, as the days keep turning into night.
And even breathing feels alright. Yes, even breathing feels alright. Now, even breathing feels alright."
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

It is January 22nd and I realize this post is a little late. But time is really flying by. I think every one of my journal entries begins with something about how fast time is going by, and it seems I can hardly keep up as these days keep turning into nights. 
I was teaching lessons on "New Year's Eve traditions and resolutions" all week and I can't help but share some thoughts. First of all, I learned that Spaniards don't particularly make resolutions. The word resolution itself is best directly translated as, "propositions." Interesting, I said the first time I heard this. I asked my students, "So, wait, you don't claim you'll miraculously become a new and improved, better person in the upcoming new year?" One student replied quizzically, "No, I mean, that's unrealistic, so why would we do that?" I wanted to end class right there and just chew on that. As I reflect on what my resolutions are this year, I realize that they are all basically the exact same as they were last year. I pride myself in being a very goal-oriented person, like my Mother and I do generally succeed in meeting the goals for myself. But as I have read Thought Catalog's "What 20-Somethings Want," I think about what I want, and its all basically the same things I wanted last year. And just because there are few changes to my Hello 2011 post, doesn't mean that I didn't succeed in reaching those goals last year. It's just that I think I've reached a point where the things I am chasing, wanting, trying to be are slightly more static than they have been in years past and I am okay with that.
Just because commercials cater to Americans thinking they will miraculously muster up the motivation they've been lacking for years because it's time to make resolutions, doesn't mean that resolutions are inherently bad. Even if they're not kept. And that's what I think about resolution making. It's worth your time even if you fall short. What's that cheesy phrase that used to be on posters in our elementary classrooms? I can picture it right now: Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars. Set goals, make resolutions, create propositions for yourself not just because its the first fresh few days of a new year, but because you owe it to yourself. Self-improvement. Not just in January, but throughout the year. So, this year, resolve to set some goals and then resolve to stick to 'em.

Who knows what 2012 will hold. 

One thing that is for sure is there will be more engagements and weddings than I can keep track of. Mine will not be one of them. Maybe this will be the year that I will fall madly in love again. Maybe this will be another year of funny stories, disaster dates, short lived hotties and almosts. In fact, either of these or a combination thereof, I am perfectly okay with.
2012 holds the secret of where I will be settling for the next three years, perhaps where I will apply to take the bar and perhaps the state where I will call "home" for a long time. That frightens and excites me simultaneously, especially considering I currently have NO clue where that will be past this short list: DC, LA, NYC, Miami, Boston, San Diego, San Francisco, Chicago.
Maybe 2012 will be another year of friendship turmoil or maybe 2011 held it all so 2012 can be about harvesting the good that's left over. Perhaps this year will be another great football season for the beautiful Crimson Tide and perhaps it will be a rebuilding year with a few losses sprinkled into the season.
This will be another year of being a 20-something lost, confused and searching for answers to questions that I have been looking forward to answering for years and questions I have yet to create entirely.
I predict that for a decent chunk of 2012, I will be in the library with my nose dug into a book or staring at this very computer screen until I go cross-eyed. I. cannot. wait.

As for the idea that if you keep your resolutions a secret, they will come true, I think that's pure nonsense. I believe in the opposite. So, here are mine. I hope that you will help me with the following ideas and that you will consistently be on me. If you share yours with me, I will promise to do the same thing. Promise.

LOVE. above everything else. 

keep my priorities in line.

make myself and those around me proud.

Don't forget to breathe.

Pray. Have a faith bigger than my fear.

Run and do ab workouts several times a week

Take good care of those that I love

Make the most of every second and live with no regrets

Read all the NYT Bestsellers

Read a complete book in Spanish

Learn from myself and others

Do something extraordinary

Do something that makes a difference, no matter how small 

Do something new

Travel

Read the news several times a week

Journal

Maintain my blogs regularly

Break 3 bad habits: snooze, acrylic nails, texting and driving

Make art

Be thankful for absolutely EVERYTHING

Remind people of their loveliness often

Watch all the 2012 Academy Award nominees

Watch all the 2012 Emmy winners

Rationalize with my heart and head instead of siding with one or the other

Keep an open mind

Stay in better touch with Mom's family. Go to Dallas.

Surround myself with people who lift me up, call me to higher living, and believe in my dreams

Gain a pea-sized ounce of patience

Expand my vocabulary and curse less

Less English, more Spanish

Whatever I do, be passionate about it

Look for inspiration

Go to concerts of my favorite artists and other cultural events

Source: someecards.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

And in case I didn't already take up enough of your time today, read this. 
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/20-new-years-resolutions-for-20-somethings/