all that remains is a place where you no longer are, this is goodbye

"I've been searching deep down in my soul, words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I'm starting all over again. The last three years were just pretend and I said, goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine." -Michelle Branch 
has it really been 20 days since i last posted?? wow.
today, i am stuck on a word. just one word. goodbye.
there is a song written by greg laswell that I have not been able to stop playing, it's soothing and its lyrics are captivating and somehow, it hasn't been applicable until today. this post is going to be ALL over the place so take from it the piece you find that you can relate to and take the rest as my rambling. with goodbye typed into itunes so Greg Laswell's Goodbye could play on repeat, I heard other favorites and I started really thinking, hence inspiring the rest of my hectic world to stop spinning long enough for deep thought and posting.
i've always thought the best medicine for almost any situation was speaking your mind and throwing out your opinion. being told you're wrong is healthy because sometimes you simply are. but there is a lot to be said between the different shades of "goodbye." as i've referenced in previous posts, i have chastised myself for being overly forgiving and for my inability to give up on people. this is a rough combo and though good character traits, perhaps aren't the smartest, safest or best for a number of reasons. so today is about saying goodbye. goodbye to some dreams that i cannot accomplish overnight, to some goals that are unrealistic. to a class that i didn't need to take. to an old self that would have handled herself differently. goodbye to my "say goodbye" attitude inspired by Dave Matthews that has protected me for two solid years.
goodbye is in order for some items on my mental lists meaning a complete disappearance where only faint traces can be found later. goodbye, synonymous with goodbye for good. permanent. closure. letting go.
goodbye is in order for other words written on this mental list that indicates a change. like a goodbye to that, and hello to its new form. a better, refreshed, renewed version.
there is a goodbye that is meaningless, carrying no weight which is only uttered out loud because its a habit. "love to have you with me, almost all the time. life just isnt like that, at least not mine. there's no need for hello, there's little reason for goodbye. never need to miss you 'cause you're always on my mind." - Shannon McNally
and goodbye is the exact opposite of other importance things i have going on, exciting things that i'm saying hello to. hello to open mindedness, hello to the unknown and to making the most of each second. hello to familiar faces sprinkled across my path on campus. hello to old friends i cherish time with. hello to opportunities. hello to trying on a cap and gown. hello self-control and will power. hello irony. Hey baby, hey baby hey.
Hey girl, come with me and let yourself go.

"You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you, from where I sit, you're one of a kind. Relationships I don't know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind. I've been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love protection. What do you say, honey, come to my defense. I stand up for you if its what you need. I got deep desire and it needs quenching, I think that's pretty plain for you to see." -Griffin House

identity crisis.

I wrote this in response to the question "Is Identity real?" after a series of discussions on identity, power, cultural capital, character and agency.

“Alex thought of all the parties she’d ever gone to where the first question she was asked was What do you do? as if that was enough to define you. Nobody ever asked you who you really were, because that changed. You might be a judge or a mother or a dreamer. You might be a loner or a visionary or a pessimist. You might be the victim, and you might be the bully. You could be the parent, and also the child. You might wound one day and heal the next.” –Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

            This is a quote I have saved in a growing document of favorite quotes from one of my favorite authors. What you do, who you know, what you like, etc IS enough to define you, but that doesn’t mean it should be.

I have decided that Identity is like a Subway sandwich. There is no “real” subway sandwich. Let’s say that your Subway sandwich favorite is the meatball sub. But in reality, every single Subway meatball sub is going to be different. It might be the same ingredients, but the person who made it is different, the Subway you bought it at is different, the ingredients were prepared differently or may even come from somewhere different.

            I made a laundry list of all the nouns and adjectives that I have ever been, am currently and could possibly be. I was surprised to see how many of those nouns directly contradicted themselves- a believer and a doubter, a student and a teacher, a girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend, an advice-giver and advice-receiver.

Identity is relative. Identity is evolving and changing. Identity is contextual. In part, your identity is your mold. The perception of your identity is more powerful than your performance because you are always either living up to it or trying to escape it. The nouns in my identity that I was, for example, a private school student, are just as important to my identity as the nouns I am currently and the nouns I will become. In one sense, I will no longer have “student” in my line as employment, but I will always be a learner and someone will always be teaching me. Perhaps the portions of my identity from my past are more relevant than the portions in my present… they both play significant roles in where my identity is going to be in the future.

Some of the words I wrote down I realized were arguable depending on who saw the list. For example, to someone who doesn’t drink, is a former alcoholic or is against drinking- I could be considered a borderline alcoholic. To most college students, I don’t drink enough. Does that mean I am a borderline alcoholic or a college student? I wrote down “drinker” just to settle my internal dispute. In this sense, identity is extremely sensitive to perception and opinion in terms of the degree. This makes the importance of the perception that much more powerful.

This laundry list I created coexists simultaneously meaning something different in each different context and time, meaning something different to everyone who knows you, including yourself. So yes, its “real,” but its abstract, fleeting, and constantly changing.