what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.

expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson

you deserve a smile with no regret

One of the topics of an entire anthropology class last week was, "Can you live without compromises?" And immediately, my answer sprung to my mind. No. 
I've been thinking a lot recently about forgiveness. I have always considered myself "too forgiving." Being mad at someone takes hard work. It is stressful to save up all your emotions and keep them to yourself. I have also always considered myself too honest and rarely afraid to offer up my opinion. However, many of these personality characteristics I have always seen for myself have been recently questioned. I have suddenly realized myself staying silent and trying to lay low. There isn't much of an explanation for this, other than my own frustrations that I don't have an explanation. There is a Nip/Tuck quote from the last season where (I'm pretty sure it's) Christian says something along the lines of- "Where does it come from? This capacity to forgive? How do you do it?" and Sean's answer back was, "How do you not?"
How can you not forgive? Its a simple necessity. A necessity like breathing. And without compromising, forgiving and cutting other's slack, life is way more difficult than it should be.
The part of forgiveness that I am blurred on is when time gets involved.
This phrase has been on my mind. It seems like yesterday, I was holding onto you for better days. (Great Big Planes) 
I'm quite certain that line was written about a lover. But there aren't so many differences between a lover and a friend. A favorite and much quoted author of mine wrote this in a book titled Handle With Care “Besides the obvious difference, there was not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. One moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them bottled inside.” 
In the same book, she later wrote, "Anger… is too fierce a flame to last for long."
And I deeply believe both of these things to be true.
Though I am still begging to miraculously wake up tomorrow morning and be at ease with uncertainty, I am also still trying to mentally sort out changes that have taken place in the past year or so and how all of that is affecting me. I guess it just hits me harder on some days than other and today is one of those days. Joshua Radin sings about this. He says, Everyone keeps saying, "nothing helps but time." Time is ALL I own. And time won't stop replaying over in my mind. I watch the hours slow down. So I crawl underneath my blanket, where I can hide away. I know I can't take it anymore. Cause I see now, it's just one of those days.
It can be easy to do the initial forgiveness phase. To listen to the apology, to talk it out. The resolution is a small slice of heaven. It is the living up to the resolutions you made which can be so difficult. When my resolution is that I have to let go, time passes and I realize I have been successful in one sense and haven't at all in another. If it still upsets me to think about a situation does that mean I didn't actually forgive?

I'm not entirely sure this post even makes much sense. As usual, there are deep roots in many thoughts, situations, and people all floating around in my head thinking about all this. I just think I needed to be reminded that forgiveness is a huge part of my life and I will never "master" the concept. But for the friends that I have with whom we are negotiating forgiveness between each other, I am deeply thankful. I know I fuck it up from time to time. I love being given the endless chances to recover. It shapes me and makes me a better person.

And I hope that with others, where forgiving seems off the table... I just want to say, I'd really like to see it up for some discussion. Because after all, It's not always rainbows and butterflies. Its compromise that moves us along. My heart is full, my door's always open. You come anytime you want. (Maroon 5) In a post already full of lyrics and quotes, what's one more? The past few months, I have had this song on repeat. I've found comfort in its words, but I have a new stipulation with the advice. Freedom is forgiveness. Hold your breath and count to nine. Hoping somebody soon with find you. Go on, the stars are watching. Just say, just say what you're feeling. You know, you know, you've got to take a bow and do it your way. It's okay. It's okay. It's time for you to prove within your ruby shoes, you deserve a smile with no regret. Now, go be free... (Erin McCarley)


Compromise moves us along. Without it, someone is certain to be left behind.