i'll let your ride be free

Somewhere deep within me, I knew it was only a matter of months before a post appeared on this blog again. My old readers are probably not those who are reading this, but this post has been slowly forming over years and I finally feel that I have enough of a grasp to put it into published words to share with the great expanse of no one and everyone simultaneously on the internet.
Perhaps you should read THIS first.

Source: Uploaded by user via Stephen on Pinterest

People watching has always been a favorite pastime. Perhaps its one of the reasons why I love travel so much. Its amazing what you can quickly get from an interaction with a stranger. You can pick up from the way they position themselves, the things they say, the framing of their sentences, the crooked line in their smile, slight darkness in their eyes that there's more than what you know. Sometimes you don't catch any such glimpse in a stranger at all. The Kroger cashier says, "Hey, how are you?" and you politely respond with some platitude, "fine, thanks, how are you?" and then the same statement is repeated back to you. At this point, generally some comment about one of the products being rolled over the scanner is made, method of payment is discussed, occasionally the weather or another nonsense topic is raised in the interest of making small talk and presuming dead silence as unacceptable awkwardness. These bull shit conversations used to drive me crazy with strangers. But the real truth is, how frequently do we have these same conversations with the people we are supposed to be confiding in, trusting, and sharing the deepest things with?
Rather frequently, wouldn't you agree?
And isn't it a pity. There is a well-circulated pin posted above that says, "be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I've been chewing on this concept lately. Just starting law school in a state completely across the country, and around the globe from where I spent the last year building connections has attracted new light on the beauty and obstacles presented by young friendships. You avoid religion, politics, ex-boyfriends, hot-topic issues because you don't know their background. You say something that in your frame of reference is totally relevant or appropriate, but in their world, it is interpreted as the exact opposite. Exaggerated words are taken at face value and repeated. Young friendships are built off series of interactions walking a tight rope of "here's a small insight into me" and "i want insight into you" but too often, both slip by.
What is even more frightening is the likelihood that friendships formed on surface nonsense can seem like the real deal and can be rewarding, even lasting for years.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, when you have a friend that is experiencing all kinds of trials, you can be so close to that person, you can empathize with them so deeply that on some level you are experiencing it as well. As referred to in one of the most vulnerable posts on this blog, I have a fundamental issue with life struggles and the lack of ability to guide someone through a same or similar circumstance as one that I myself hobbled along. This week in particular, I was given an opportunity to attempt to be the friend I needed in that time. It was such a strange sensation to sit and think of what I wanted and needed at that time. It's amazing what you let yourself forget. As I tried to reconstruct fragile memories of wondering what the result of one of Mom's surgeries would be, I was reminded of the CDs I played while walking through the hospital hallways, of the smile cemented to my face that I didn't even recognize when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought about the constant admonitions of "I'm praying for you" and "God is good and He is going to get you through this" and how my gut reaction to each one made my stomach churn as I grasped onto each word but swallowed it down with doubt and anger.
I've thought so many times that "I want bones like iron, blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising and when I'm sinking in" as so eloquently described by Dispatch. But life isn't like that. You can wear your story on your sleeve, you can sigh heavier throughout your day, your confusion can be visible, or your jaw can be crooked into a smile even you do not recognize yet all go unnoticed. So luckily, you can only worry about being open and honest enough about your own experiences to share them and hope that another will benefit. You can only be concerned with having listening ears and sensitivity to the needs of those around you.

The point I am desperately and poorly trying to make is this: you just never know what battle someone that you are interacting with is facing. At any given moment, that interaction could make a huge difference or none at all.
The emotional energy that you invest in someone else or something else may never be fully appreciated. And that is a shame. But in my experience, as it drains you to fill someone else, in the end, you are filled when they feel restored and you were a contributing factor to that restoration.
I am confident the emptiness that comes from the emotional investment initially, will ALWAYS be rewarded.

So, GO invest in someone.
Invest in everyone. 

"Well, I got a bad disease. 

Right from my brain is where I bleed. 

Today, love smiled on me. 

It took away my pain

Say, please, I'll let your ride be free.

You gotta let it be.

It's bitter baby

but its very sweet.

I'm on a roller coaster but I'm on my feet.

Take me to your river, let me on your shore. 

I'll be coming back, baby, I'll be coming back for more. 

I could not forget but I won't endeavor. 

Said my pleasure, I won't regret it never.

Where I go, I just don't know.

I got to, got to take it slow.

When I find my peace of mind, well, I'm gonna give you some of my good time."

-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soul to Squeeze

we can feel so far from so close

if life wasn't such a roller coaster of ups and downs, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the best moments. I hadn't realized how deep my rut was until I glanced up and saw the black cloud had been lifted and blue sky was there instead. this change in the weather was partially due to exciting news (I've been accepted to law school!) and mostly due to a visit from a great friend. I so badly needed to be reminded of who I am and she was there to do just that. so when you get so discouraged, you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror, just think that if you could see the BIG picture, the BIG plan that you may be closer than you realize. and in that moment, you may feel the furthest away but count on a good friend to tell you, "shut up. I can see this so clearly and you can too if you took the time to stop worrying or being self absorbed and actually LOOK." most likely, it won't come out quite like that but if you're actually listening, that may be what you hear. and it's most likely going to be the exact reminder you've been thirsty for.
just keep the seed in your mind that nothing in this world is permanent, not even our most wicked troubles.
and hold on. 
better yet, hold on with someone else. 


Listen to Mat Kearney's song that inspired the post, the title of the post and the entire album I have on repeat here. 

throw the careful into crazy

Somehow holidays always sneak up on me. It´s like, I know that the holiday is coming and I know that February fourteenth is just another day, like yesterday was the thirteenth and tomorrow will be the fifteenth, but somehow a holiday makes the entire day FEEL different. After living for several months in a country where most of your holidays aren´t celebrated, I have realized this is even more true than I ever previously thought. Spain doesn´t particularly celebrate Valentine´s Day, and considering that it is 6:30 in the morning here, I have literally no clue what is in store for the rest of my day other than what´s written in my calendar: work and Spanish class. Though I feel it will be difficult to top my Valentine´s Day post from last year (read it here), I would like to make an effort, doing so with less effort.

Listen up: here.

I remember what I was doing last year and how it truly doesnt feel like 365 days have passed.
I remember Valentines Day in high school, waiting to see how many carnations I would get at lunch, who they would be from and what they would say.
Valentines Day in elementary school was always my least favorite, even if there were arts and crafts and chocolate involved. Lets be honest, there was always one kid that I didn´t like and I didn´t think deserved to get a valentine from me. Okay, who am I kidding, there were always at least three or four kids I felt that way about.
I remember a Valentines Day when I walked into a room with my favorite flowers and still, to this day, the most beautiful gerber daisies I have ever seen. I was so happy and I was so in love.
Last year, I was drug to that atrocious Valentine´s Day movie. It wasnt atrocious for any reason other than it was a sappy chick flick, and I strongly dislike these movies. My movie pick this year would be one the what feels like hundreds of Oscar nominees I haven´t yet seen.
I miss those little notes that just say, "hey, I love you!" from a friend stapled to a cheap $1 flower guaranteed to barely survive the entire day.

How should I inspire you today, on a day when you should be bringing to the attention of someone that you love that you love them? Well, unfortunately I don´t have much inspiration, so I am hoping you find some in this wonderful song by Bob Schneider (see some of my favorite lyrics in pink below). It´s my Valentine´s Day gift to you, regardless of if youll be curled up next to someone later, if youll be curled up in your cozy bed with a good book or if youll be spending time with friends and/or some combination of all of the above.

Here´s what I know, most definitively: there is something right about you and me. 
There is no reason to think that this black cloud I feel hanging over me isnt on its way out of town.
When the whole world falls into the sea, Ill still be clutching tightly onto the friendships that I treasure so dearly and that have successfully brought me this far. And we will be living ever after, happily. Of this, I am confident.
Despite creeping fear that its risky, I hope we can spur each other onto diving in whole-heartedly, even if it means potential heartbreak, just for the chance of something great and better than any expectations. Because, let´s DO IT. Come out with me tonight, come out with me baby. Let´s throw the careful into crazy. We can be like, good times that haven´t happened yet, but WILL. We can do what we wanna do.
Hell, make a fire, gotta burn a few...
Dream stealing is no crime. We´ll get there before you know.
Maybe discontentment is born from half-assing it and straddling the middle ground, living in the boring comfort zone. And that´s no good because...

We ain´t got no time to waste, 

we got too much life to taste. 

this is a public service announcement.

"it's time to tear this place down.
i've got the last gig on my mind.
not seen my friends in ages, have i been left behind?
it's time to figure out why i find myself in custody with each and every question on my mind.
fly to El Salvador. i don't know why and i don't know what for.
i've seen the picture for myself.
where did that label go? i tried it out, but it didn't work so, i'll choose the picture for MYSELF.
it's time to start all over.
take only one thing spare to wear."
-Athlete, El Salvador

i am human. i mess up. i make mistakes. i disappoint people that matter to me. i occasionally think before i speak. i've also been known to speak before i think.
sometimes, i commit to doing something that i end up being unable to go through with. i doubt myself and think "i can't actually do this." a time or two, i've told a lie or a white lie or ignored flat out telling the truth in order to protect someone or myself. several times a year, i have a complete meltdown. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't always believe that for myself (thank you, LSAT). sometimes, i don't recognize my own limit and i do really stupid things. i enjoy making art, even though sometimes it's not even worth how much i paid to make it. i enjoy talking with friends and sharing in memories and stories. i like long walks on the beach. not really, actually, i'm not a gigantic fan of sand. there are days when i want to do absolutely nothing except lay in bed and watch a marathon of criminal minds or law and order SVU. i am stressed; i am overwhelmed. i see the best in people and sometimes that entails misjudging them. i am an optimist, a realist and a pessimist simultaneously. i frequently talk to myself. i am beyond the definition of stubborn.
i am going to pick up. leave. and teach myself how to let go.
if you religiously read my blog and this post seems like the last five except reworded but expressing the exact same themes, i am sorry. i take that back. i'm sorry i'm not sorry. this is what i needed today, and maybe you'll find that you needed it too. for the same reasons or for reasons completely different.

                                                                                               

                                                                                             Source: jennyanddukefamily.blogspot.com via Stephanie on Pinterest

"Failure is always the best way to learn, retracing your steps til you know. 

Have no fear, your wounds will heal." -Kings of Convenience, Failure

This is one thing I know. Love can set you free. 

Now in a "LOVE.Everyday" first, I will include a Biblical inspiration in the daily quotes and music lyrics. Because I needed this refresher, you can find a good definition of it here. Reposted below with the emphasis I particularly had to read to be reminded of today (from The Message).

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

   Love never gives up.

   Love cares more for others than for self.

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

   Love doesn't strut,

   Doesn't have a swelled head,

   Doesn't force itself on others,

   Isn't always "me first,"

   Doesn't fly off the handle,

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

   Doesn't revel when others grovel,

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

   Puts up with anything,

   Trusts God always,

   Always looks for the best,

   Never looks back,

   But keeps going to the end.

 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

 11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

 12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the BEST of the three is LOVE.

maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 75th wedding anniversary

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by

scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable

than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not

understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as

effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing

bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that

never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm

on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with

people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;

Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe

you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the

people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths; prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

-Mary Schmich, a columnist with the Chicago Tribune, 1977

Watch Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

jumping off a bridge, it's just the furthest that i've ever been.

"another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go... so take the photographs and still frames in your mind..." Greenday
in light of graduation this upcoming weekend, i feel like it is crucial to have a sappy post about where ive been, where im at and how it is all changing, its uncertain, it's scary but that i am thrilled for it. the only problem with that is that i basically just described an entire YEAR of posts. so, instead, this post will be about a song that i think is applicable to all my friends. its been playing on repeat for days now. a toast to how no matter where we all end up, i've got their back and we'll figure out how to stay in touch. the following is a collage of some of my favorite pictures from college. pictures with people i love more than simple words express. pictures from days and events when i was overfilled with happiness and was given memories i am beyond words thankful for. i can't wait to see what else is to come. the pictures are times i was, i think, the absolute happiest in all four years. and to those in these photos, anywhere you go, i'll follow you down.

“Did you see the sky? I think it means that we've been lost. Maybe one last time is all we need. I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots. Jumping off a bridge, it's just the farthest that I've ever been. Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down, anyplace but those I know by heart. I'll follow you down, but not that far. I know we're headed somewhere, I can see how far we've come but still I can't remember anything. Let's not do the wrong thing and I'll swear it might be fun. It's a long way down when all the knots we've tied have come undone. How you gonna ever find your place, running in an artificial pace?” –Follow You Down, Gin Blossoms

i just came to say hello

i'd like to speculate that for over 70% of the people I have friend-zoned, they are there permanently. my friend zone boys are some of my favorite friends i have. and i love when they don't randomly test boundaries or think that some drunken night anything is going to change. that small portion of friends who could venture out of the friend zone, keep the flirtatious texts coming my way, but its not going to change anything any time soon. im pretty stubborn. im a social butterfly, enjoying this exact moment. im loving being single. i can't wait to be in España. i love this picture below cause its pretty valid. that road is a two way street. you can be in friend zone and progress towards something else, you can settle in friend zone and stay there forever, you can settle in relationship town and revert back to friend zone. or you can get the hell off this highway and choose another one entirely. 

but its for me to decide where he belongs. 

that's my story and i'm sticking to it. 

"i could stick around, get along with you, hello. it doesnt really mean that i'm into you, hello. you're alright but i'm here darlin to enjoy the party. don't get too excited, cause that's all you'll get from me. yeah, i think you're cute, but i feel like you should know, i just came to say hello. i'm not the kind of girl to get messed up with you, hello. imma let you try to convince me to, hello. just enjoy the party. kind of like this game, but there's something you should know. i just came to say hello." -martin solveig feat dragonnette, hello

has it really been 3 years?

People work too hard to figure out the meaning of their lives. Why me, why now. The truth is, sometimes things don’t happen to you for a reason. Sometimes it’s just about being in the right place at the right time for someone else.” –Jodi Picoult, Second Glance

Some items on the to-do list get marked off right away, other items hover waiting for the to-list maker to have the will power, the courage or the ability to complete them. it's so easy to think about someone or something and let it pass by without action. though i don't usually post really personal stuff on my blog, i think that this is important, so stick with me. 

certain memories in my life stand out very clear, like they happened yesterday. i was standing in this small hotel bathroom in Odessa, Texas staring at myself in the mirror with a steaming hot curling iron in hand. my reverie was broken by what i thought was an extra precautionary alarm going off again. to my surprise, i looked down at the phone and i was receiving a phone call from a dear friend of mine at the time. thinking that she just wanted to wish my luck for the brutal day ahead, i answered. she sternly told me to sit down. all i could think was, "i'm burying my mother today, what the hell is she going to tell me that's going to make this day any worse?!" and that's when she explained that a horrible plane crash took the life of one of my best friends. this girl had been one of the first people i met in the horrid week called Sorority Recruitment. she had laughed at everything and had an incredible attitude. we clicked. she was one of the first people i told at alabama that my mom had cancer because she found me crying in the dorm room hall. we listened to Dave together. we went to fraternity parties and had our red solo cups filled by pledges with delicious pink panty pulldowns. all summer, she had kept up with me and how my mom was doing. she was going to book her flight to atlanta to come visit as soon as she got back from alabama. In fact, when I got back from Texas, I had flowers waiting for me at my house that she had sent the day she died.

i think about Lauren everyday. not only do i miss the ability to pick up the phone and call her, i wonder if she would be graduating with me on Saturday, i wished for her as a refuge in harder times this past year and i am graciously reminded of her fun-loving spirit, how loving of a friend she was and her incredible zeal for life every time i pass her picture on my dresser and every time i call my dog by her full name, named after Lauren's last name and nickname. 

Graduation next week is going to be bittersweet because it was suppose to be in May but this little f5 tornado ruined that. graduation is going to be odd because close friends that were planning to come in May will no longer be able to attend. it will be odd to be in tuscaloosa without a home. i already have my diploma. but most importantly, graduation is going to be bittersweet because in the last three years, I have lost two people that meant so much to me. And no matter what, it's going to be weird without them there.

I have been meaning to call Lauren's family since... well, since, May. On several occasions I've spoken to her mother and she is an incredible woman. For no good reason, something less important has gotten in the way of making that phone call. Walking Grey Brue today, i pulled out my phone and dialed Mrs. Brue. The call only lasted 17 minutes, but it was perfect. Just touching base felt amazing. Letting her know that I still think about Lauren, that I still think about her, I could tell meant a lot to her. And she told me the same. That this picture of Lauren and I is sitting on her dresser. 

Sometimes you don't do things for yourself, you do them for someone else. Sometimes you get a nice mix of both. All this to say, the next time the idea of doing something nice for someone else crosses your mind, don't let it go. Force yourself to do it, no matter how tough it seems. Make reminding someone that you care about them a priority. You may find that doing something selfLESS has incredibly selfISH rewards. Thanks for reading, I hope you found it inspiring, or at least something like it.

Cain and Abel sitting at the breakfast table

Progress is one of those words that means what it sounds like; it's an onomatopoeia. A few days ago, a woman and I were chatting casually and exchanging hatred for almost every male out there. She said that she is a practicing Buddist and believes that sometimes the Universe ultimately makes decisions for us to set us back on the right path when we have gotten off track. Or something like that. I was in a hurry and couldn't finish that conversation but I hope some day to be able to dive into that topic a lot deeper. Several days later, I realize that this "universal direction-guiding" regardless of who you think is to thank, is ultimately CHANGE. 
More often than I admit out loud, I find myself lamenting over the past or friendships that have experienced rough twists and turns or vanished. This lamentation isn't in hatred, it's in love. And it's human. It doesn't mean that there is blame there or that I have deeply rooted regrets or grudges that I cannot let go of. In attempting to describe what I mean exactly, I'll borrow these words from Josh Kelley. "I'm sick of chasing after things. I'd rather them chase after me, keeping up is bound to wear me down. There's a million ways to skin a cat; I put my choices in a hat. Picked a few and threw the bad ones out. So if you want me, you better knock me down. Cause I ain't easy and this ain't hallowed ground. I've been thinking about ole Cain and Able sitting at a breakfast table, talking about the way things use to be. Abel looked at Cain and said, 'all that shit was in your head.' I'd like to think Cain was hard to please."
I don't know why I think that mental image is so poetic. But I am just imagining sitting across the breakfast table with anyone I've ever crossed paths with, nonchalantly speaking about what exactly happened between us. Sharing with one another precisely where there was hurt, blame, disappointment, forgiveness. The word enemy is so strong, but there are certainly a select few people from the past few years that chaos, drama and emotions run pretty deep. My mind doesn't fill with memories or thoughts of them daily by any means, but when it does, it's interesting to feel at peace with it all now. Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Even if I am still clueless to what that reason was. Because that happened, I got here. And now I'm on this incredible new branch of my journey that is going to lead to a lot of new and crazier things. 
I am beginning a really hardcore stance on DISTANCE. I think that distance between two people is all relative. One of my dear friend's Facebook quotes under her profile picture the first three years I knew her was "laughter is the closest distance between two people." And I believe those words to be true. Who knows how my friendships will continue to change as I stretch them by moving to a completely different continent. I hope that the friends that support me and love me the most will stick by my side and make the effort necessary to maintain our friendship for hundreds of years to come. I love a lot of people but I don't love doing all the work and getting beat up all the time. Those days are over for me. So, if you want me, you better knock me down. As Dave says, "Why worry? Changes have come and changes will come again." 

breakdown, honey, take me through the night.

so for a personal test, i will be starting a blog series that will have titles that begin with each letter of the alphabet in succession starting with the last blog, this one being the second. the titles of my posts are important to me and demonstrate what i believe over all, to be one of the most critical themes of the entire post. we will see how this goes... but just consider yourself informed that's what i am doing. 

last night, i experienced an epic breakdown. a breakdown that defines that exact word. one little thought sent me completely over the edge. it was a meltdown of seismic proportions and it felt so good to finally get it all out. to actually FEEL and cry and scream. there is a quote circulating on Pinterest, that crying does not mean you are weak. since birth, it has been a signal that you are alive. just how true that statement really is came very clear to me last night. i am typically very strong and rarely find myself in emotionally compromising situations where my vulnerability is laid out on the table. but i do breakdown.
the breakdown itself isn't at all the point. it is what you do what the breakdown.
what you do when you realize that you aren't in control at all.
what you do when you realize that all the sudden the world is spinning faster than you can grasp.
you've got to make the best of what's around. you've got to let it all out. then, pick yourself up off the floor and FIGURE IT OUT. i am beyond words thankful for those who are there for me and i firmly believe that without them, i would be dead.
you can't always have this "things are fine and dandy" mask on. and with those who complete your life, you should be able to stare them straight in the face and tell them what's eating at you, what scares you, what's going through your mind, what you're proudest of and what you are thrilled about. i'm sick of the facade. so as Missy Higgins and Brett Dennon serenade me with their Tom Petty cover, "there aint no sense in pretending. something in your eyes gives you away. we've said all there is to say. baby, breakdown. go ahead, and give it to me. breakdown, i'm standing here can't you see? breakdown. it's alright."

i punched him to be like, yo. what you did was wrong.

come on in through my screen door, tell me your cares i'm here to lend my ears

where you been lately? i haven't seen you much around here.

don't you know i love you when you're down and dirty

don't you know i love you when you're clean

if you could see what i see, you'd see a boy that can't face things.

silent is all he is. 

you know i'd like to help, but when i let you ride for free you drag me down into the cheap, cheap scene.

you got this thing against living with the best, but you sure like to visit me, don't you?

i know everything ain't always what it seems to be

don't you know i love you, baby, anyway i find you, anyway you come.

-Shannon McNally, Down and Dirty

She's amazing. And she's my family. Check her out.

I'm feeling a huge piece of art coming on soon. I need a good way to get out my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I'll take it out on my canvas or Jersey Shore style. It just may end up being both.

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 

 

Please, take my hand. 

Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.

It's so simple and you know it is.

Just say yes.

Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 

For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

I should know who I am by now.

Joshua Radin, Winter

i just love that. mistakes need not be fatal. 

mistakes need not be fatal.

hm... sounds like something I've mentioned before...

the next few weeks, i will dedicate to reminding myself of these things.

rediscovery is a beautiful thing

Come out, no use in hiding.

Not room for both, just room for me. 

So you will lay your arms down. 

Yes I will call this home. 

Away, away 

You have been banished 

Your land is gone 

And given me 

What's this you say ?

You feel the right to remain? 

Then stay and I will bury you.

Here's the hitch 

Your horse is leaving 

Don't miss your boat 

It's leaving now 

And as you go I will spread my wings 

Yes I will call this home 

I have no time to justify to you 

Fool you're blind, move aside for me 

All I can say to you my new neighbor 

Is you must move on or I will bury you 

Now as I rest my feet by this fire 

Those hands once warmed here 

I have retired them 

I can breathe my own air 

I can sleep more soundly 

Upon these poor souls 

I'll build heaven and call it home 

'Cause you're all dead now 

I live with my justice 

I live with my greedy need 

I live with no mercy 

I live with my frenzied feeding 

I live with my hatred 

I live with my jealousy 

I live with the notion 

That I don't need anyone but me 

Don't drink the water 

There's blood in the water

things i LOVE: when you hear a song for the first time even though you've heard it a million times before. this happened with Don't Drink The Water at some point two weeks ago or so and I've just now had time to blog about it. It's words are still applicable and there are few things I love more than being lulled by Dave right before trying to fall asleep. This song in particular has always had a certain darkness to it, but the words finally fell into place. I'm obsessed. And this version in particular is exceptional. In light of the blog's facelift, I just really felt I had to post today. I had several scenes of TV shows or movies in mind, but youtube came up short on everything and I was frustrated. What's the deal with that? Is youtube shutting down a lot of videos? Well, they are deleting all the good ones. WTF. So I dug up this draft.

what does sex really have to do with it?

"We're bound to wait all night. she's bound to run amuck. invested enough in it anyhow, to each his own... i don't know if I'm dead or not to anyone. 
come on and get the minimum, before you open up your eyes.
this army has so many heads to analyze
come on and get your overdose, collect it at the borderline...
cause they know and so do i
the high road is hard to find.
the detour in your new life
tell all of your friends goodbye.
the dawn to end all nights that's all we hoped it was.
a break from the warfare in your house  to each his own
and i don't know if the dead can talk to anyone...
its too late to change your mind. you let LOSS be your guide."
-The High Road, Broken Bells  
Well, this may not make any sense at all, but here it goes regardless. this is a post about fleeting relationships. I was asking a friend about his relationship with his sister and he said based off his life experience and moving around as a child something along the lines of "family is more significant than friends because no matter what, family has been there all along and seen you through every stage of your life. Unlike friends who will always come and go." I stared back blankly thinking, well, based on MY life experiences, EVERYONE comes and goes. 
I don't have this epic family with siblings who have seen my through my darkest days and my brightest. I had a lovely family.  And I have adjusted well, and I'm very proud of that. The loss I've experienced is not what the point is, but it is important in understanding why I so gravely grieve the loss of friends. Not returning phone calls, not making any effort to maintain a friendship that has seen so many memories and last years, complete apathy for something that means the world to me. 
Though I am far from perfect, and I understand that I have crazy stories, way too much drama surrounding me and perhaps ask for support that is not always easy to give, I have always given whole heartedly to all my friendships and for as long as I can. I am thinking all this boils down to categories perhaps "putting up with me" should be the title of one group- those who things are "good with" who I interact with regularly even if its on a volatile basis. Where "estranged"- those who have abandoned me or whom I have chosen to abandon, would be in another group. If they don't need me, why do I feel like I so badly need them?
At what point is new friendship normal, at what point is the old rhyme we were told, "make new friends but keep the old..." turn into tell the old goodbye, and you're sick of dealing with their bullshit? It's never suppose to be easy. But you're suppose to have silver AND gold. 
In the drama that has consumed a good portion of this year, I have realized that though I returned to this life and why I left the one I created in Spain was to return to these friendships I had spent four years building. I have been so disappointed. I have experienced similar disappointment every year in college and supposedly, you experience such pain to learn and grow in response. Clearly, I have learned little. I am confused.


It's a complicated web I have woven for myself. And I am sick of navigating all the cultural worlds and being X for person X and watching what I say about sensitive subject Y for person Y. An ex boyfriend that still knows how to make me feel worthless and wrong about everything I have stood for the last 15 years. I am tired of feeling alone, then claustrophobic, then dissatisfied then like I screwed it up, then like I am doing a great job. All these thoughts of relationships I am juggling, missing, enduring, giving to, wishing I still had, longing for to miraculously come along- it is exhausting.
A detour to "the high road" would be awesome about now.
So I finish this rant listening to, "Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate because "its not like my feet are stuck to the floor." and i just can't wait to get the hell out of this phase and move onto the next one.