i remember a time my balance was fine

"I try so many times but it's not taking me

                                                                            and it seems so long ago that I used to believe

and I'm so lost inside of my head, and crazy but I cant get out of it. 

I'm just stumbling

                                                                           And I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head

I'm juggling and my fears on fire

but I'm listening as it evolves in my head...

And I remember the time my balance was fine

and I was just walking on one fine wire

Life plays so many games inside of me

and I've had some distant cries, following 

and they're entwined between the night and sun beams

I wish I were free from this pain in me

I remember the time my balance was fine..."

-Colbie Caillat, One Fine Wire

hashtag happy, no wait, miserable. no wait, happy.

These days are characterized by mood swings of new proportions. I feel that the weekends where I stay in Madrid drag on, the weekdays also go by painstakingly slow but yet, the fact that its the EIGHTH of May shocks me to the core. 

I have seven weeks left of living in Europe. 

Then, I am looking at around three weeks to move from Atlanta to Malibu. 

Admittedly, my mind is already in Malibu in many regards. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of buying a new couch, selling some things in the house, going through junk I have no use for with less care than a host from Clean Sweep. I am preoccupied with things I should be doing that I cannot at this time- find an apartment, finish my FAFSA forms, etc etc that I need to be in California barking down my Father's back for help. Conversely, I was walking through my neighborhood today thinking of how deeply I will miss Spanish rolling fluidly off my tongue, weaving through these intricate streets alive with culture and rich in history, with free time to do things like blog or read three books in five days and be completely up-to-date on all my favorite TV shows. But as a friend recently candidly wrote me, "the universe can be such an asshole" and you don't get to choose when certain chapters end and begin nearly as tactfully as you may wish. and that's how you end up with mood swings, questioning your own incapability of balancing what you're doing in this moment and where you're headed. 

balance. 

One of the most poignant themes of my time living in Spain has managed to again remind me that i'm no master and i have much more learning to do. Where is the balance between falling for someone stupidly and falling for someone gracefully? When do you cut yourself off and demand yourself to walk away? At what moment is your investment in someone else's time and feelings the "right amount"? Is there such a thing? Is falling off that wire such a tragic thing, anyway? Maybe the most healthy way to approach complicated paradoxes is not by carefully walking the tightrope without falling off, but instead on hopping from one side to the other? 

These are questions I blog about because they're things rolling around desperately in my thoughts with no answers. What do you think? Where do you find balance in your life? Where is there lack of balance? 

All I know is I identify with the lyrics presented above. I know that over the weekend, I felt trapped in Madrid. claustrophobic like I wasn't able to breathe while thinking my next booked flight was not until my flight back to the US in July. Though I have zero intentions of changing my habit of caving to my gypsy-like desires, high blood pressure due to lack of foreseen travel in five weeks is a new level I am not sure is healthy. With my patience growing thin on nailing down upcoming weekend plans, finally a few things fell into place. I have plans for this weekend, which I am super excited about. Yes, in two days I will be on the road again. And it makes the surrounding air easier to breathe. 

I also booked my (extremely expensive, might I add) flight to VIENNA! As I have written many times, Vienna has a huge hold on my heart. One of my first mission trips and most certainly the most impactful mission work that I participate in, this upcoming trip will be my seventh trip to the shelter. I couldn't possibly be more thrilled. 

Until I have "it all figured out" (which will never happen) I will most likely continue to endure this insomnia while I lay awake wondering why I don't have some magical "how to balance abstract nouns and life's absurdities" handbook and blogging about how I managed to screw it up.  

except replace dollar with 170 on the LSAT

i need a dollar, a dollar, a dollar that's what i need.

if i share with you my story, would you share your dollar with me?

well, bad times are comin' and i reap what i don't sow.

well, let me tell you something. all that glitters ain't gold.

it's been a long old trouble, long, long troublesome road.

i'm looking for someone to help me carry this load.

well, i don't know if i'm walking on solid ground, 'cause everything around me is fallin down.

and all i want is for someone to help me.

what in the world am i gonna do tomorrow?

is there someone with a dollar i could borrow, who could help take away my sorrow?

maybe its inside the bottle...

i had a good old friend but his name is whiskey and wine...

if god has plans for me i hope it aint written in stone

cause ive been working myself down to the bone 

and i swear on grandpa's grave that i'll be paid when i come home.

come on, share your dollar, give me your dollar.

-Aloe Blaac, I Need A Dollar

Every great work, 
         every big accomplishment, 
has been brought into manifestation through
                                     holding to the vision, 
and often just before the big achievement, 
comes apparent failure and discouragement. 
                                                   -Florence Scovel Shinn 

#pleaseandthankyou

"it seems time's put a spell on me. and as seasons change, they give a taste of what is yet to come. and i know, there's no escaping change. but i try my best to think of ways to stay. it seems the hardest part is letting go. we've been living lives trying to survive all that we've known and i know nostalgia stings so deep. as lovers sighs and goodbyes bring men to their knees, i know i'll be embracing change...it seems the hardest part is letting go. when we can't see what's happening, life cuts us to the core. and if only you and i could find the best is yet to come..." - Blake Aaron Guthrie, The Hardest Part

you know, life is incredibly, absurdly beautiful and bizarre.
last night i spent some time thinking about what i want. what i want from life RIGHT NOW.
what it comes down to is, i want everything.
i want a crystal ball. actually, what i'd rather have is to stop wanting a crystal ball and to instead live completely in the moment, completely unconcerned for the uncertainty of the future.
i want to be the best version of myself that i can imagine, at all times.
i want a clean- cut plan for fixing things.
i want more than 24 hours in the day to get things done and to spend that time exactly how i choose daily.
i want for communication to be less complicated.
most definitively, there are plenty of nights where all i want is to be suspended. (obsessed with this song)
i want more patience, courage and boldness.
i want someone to walk with me on this wire from tower to tower. (song reference)
i want people to read my mind. but only sometimes.
i want light in the dark as I search for a resolution. (song reference)
i want a laundry list of things ranging from intangible and important to tangible and mundane.
i want answers to the questions that keep me awake at night.
i want to stop hitting snooze in the morning and miraculously transform into a high-functioning morning person.

but mostly, i want to let go and know that i'll be alright.
but life doesn't work like that. so, push me til i have to fly.  (reference)

of sand

Source: fromupnorth.com via Bethany on Pinterest

shouldn't that speak for itself entirely?
yet, i will wake up tomorrow and mistakenly think i am superwoman so therefore, i can do it all. again.
its been 8 days since i traveled and almost... oh my... i don't know how long it's been since i was on a plane. no wonder i'm starting to feel like i am going crazy.
no lie, around 10-10:30 every night i start to feel my sanity slip from my fingers as i go from a perfectly normal day of crossing items off my to do list and sticking closely to my pre-planned itinerary and then BOOM its like insomnia's evil twin consumes my mind then insomnia joins so that i can only think and sulk in said thoughts completely powerless to do anything until the next day. then i want to sleep all day because i stayed up all night. this cycle has to end.
hello Tylenol pm, nice to get reaquainted.
maybe once i book my plane ticket to california i will find my mind again.
i hate how often i happen to lose it.
what it comes down to is, the world is spinning madly on and i CANNOT keep up.
it's beginning to get me.
i'm human. that's all.

"i use to rule the world, seas would rise when i gave the word. now in the morning i sleep alone; sweep the streets i use to own. i use to roll the dice, feel the fear in my enemy's eyes. one minute i held the key, next the walls were closed on me. and i discovered that my castles stands upon pillars of sand. it was a wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in... people couldn't believe what i'd become. just a puppet on a lonely string, oh who would ever want to be king?" -Coldplay, Viva la Vida

forget about the pricetag

Recently there are several huge themes that have become increasingly apparent in my circle of friends. One of them is a constant chat about not having the money for this or that. I get it. Money is a huge limitation. Money doesn’t grow on trees. Now that many of us are on our own (or at least about to be), we are forced to think about things like a budget and what our costs of living are. The magic little squares of plastic in our wallets have lost their magic now that the bill is paid from our own bank accounts. In light of being financially independent and responsible, I’d like to offer a counter point of view. I love this song that’s in iTunes top 100 right now- because how true are these lyrics? “Money can’t buy us happiness. Can we all slow down and enjoy right now? Guarantee we’ll be feeling alright… You can’t put a price on life.” This incredible stage of life where we are young with little to hold us back, we’ve got to make the most of it, regardless of the cost. What you would do if money wasn’t a limitation? How would you use it? Tonight I imagined a dream budget with plenty of extra to give to charities, to spend on hobbies and other past times I enjoy, to entertain friends, to spoil friends with random gifts and surprises, to occasionally treat myself to a massage when its been a long week, I’d only eat locally and organic grown food, to ensure my children can go to the schools of their dreams, to explore the world and check off items from my bucket list… what things would be categories in your dream budget?

Think about your favorite memories. Now try to estimate what the memory cost. Wouldn’t you likely agree that it is ultimately priceless? When I think about some of the times in my life that I was the absolute happiest, it wasn’t always doing something extravagant that cost a lot of money. It’s late nights talking with a beloved pledge sister telling stories from our childhood and laughing til we cried while we were suppose to be studying for an exam the next day. In order to successfully accomplish living with no regrets, you’ve got to seize every opportunity that you have. You have to take some risks, which is probably going to involve dishing out more cash than you might be comfortable with. But I promise you that if you spontaneously decide to go to Miami for the weekend (which a dear friend of mine decided to do a few weeks ago) that in five years you won’t be able to tell anyone the cost of the plane ticket. In fact, you probably won’t even remember the cost of that ticket in two years. But you will remember the awesome times that you had.

Maybe next time you hear this song on the radio,  you won’t just hear it; you’ll listen to what it is actually saying. It makes an excellent, thought-provoking point unlike a majority of the fluff on the radio.

“Money is only paper, only ink. We’ll destroy ourselves if we can’t agree.” –Tracy Chapman

If we have that attitude, Tracy Chapman sings that the rest of the world will fall into place, piece by piece. Like most things in life, it’s about striking that balance. 

getting hitched and quitting drinking

this summer (from May until August) I know SIX people getting married. i have been cynical. admittedly, i have been a bitch. i have ranted, complained, expressed my opinion, lamented, questioned, doubted, stalked, gossiped, and been filled with joy for these friends that i have known a very long time to their face and behind their back. from learning about the potential of the impending engagement, to hearing the details of how the question was popped, to inquiring about wedding details, i have attempted to be supportive and i have likewise blatantly expressed my apathy or concern. oddly enough, feelings of approval or disapproval aside, i will not be seeing any of these brides walk down the aisle. my only connection to the actual celebration will be via Facebook. i cannot group all six of these in the same category of how i feel because that would be unfair to these friends. as certain as i am that none of them will read this, i owe everyone an apology. however, an apology i am unwilling to give. instead, i'd like to offer an explanation.

i am young; afraid of commitment to nearly everything. i have no idea where i will be in three months. i have big goals and huge dreams to chase. i've got at least four years of school ahead. i've got serious trust issues with males (and females for that matter). as i've blogged before, i don't even always trust myself. at least once a week, i am mistaken for a child +/-10 years younger than i actually am. i am wrestling with who God is and who He is not. i could not guess my credit card bill within one hundred dollars. i want an extravagant and beautiful wedding that is the party of the year. most days, i could not create a list of bridesmaides i'd feel comfortable with. additionally, i'd like the engagement ring of my dreams, a paycheck of several digits in my name, letters after my name on a business card, property that is decorated in my taste instead of a flashback to The Great Gatsby. i cannot wrap my mind around knowing someone at this exact moment that challenges any of the above.
     Though I was desperately reminding myself all last semester of the phrase, "don't push love away. it's all we have" (The Juliana Theory) and indeed do not plan to be blind to the opportunities that do pose a challenge to the above first-person statements, I just needed to get all that out there. To say, "hey, everyone. this is where i'm at." I confidently chose this path. I stick by the decisions that brought me here with great pride but occasionally, I am harshly reminded that people I literally grew up with, have transported themselves to a whole new stage of life that I don't know a single thing about. I don't even know about the steps they took to get to that stage of life. I doubt this from time to time and identify with Ben Gibbard's words. "Will I have learned so very little when these bones are old and brittle?
 I wait to talk when I should listen and cloud mistakes with false revisions. 
All my friends are forward-thinking, getting hitched and quitting drinking. 
And I can feel them pulling away as I'm resigned to stay the same. 
I was once a loyal lover whose lips did never seek another's
But now each love's more like a match, a blinding spark that burns out fast.
And they all conclude with the same sentence: 'I've never met someone more self-centered who thinks that life with a nice girl's like waiting for a bus to work.
If you deem it so, just cut the cord and go.
You'll be fine, there's plenty of hills to climb."

So as people are continuing to get engaged more rapidly than i can keep up, in case your big announcement is headed my way soon, please know that i do love you deeply. and i am so incredibly happy for you. my wishes for a lifetime of bliss together is genuine and as sincere as possible. but i just don't get it. i don't understand and i cannot relate. as distance has already crept into our relationships by the very introduction of your significant other, i can only pray that the distance is not increased by your leap into a dramatically different stage of life than i am in. a stage i do not see myself joining for a long damn time. PLEASE do not become a bridge engulfed in flames behind me simply because I am not there yet. We will both be fine because there are plenty of hills (in all shapes, sizes and stages of life) to climb. I'll just be climbing the engaged and married hill long after others. But that's okay cause I CAN go my own way.

a deep thank you for reading this self-absorbed, rant. maybe i wrote it because i need affirmation. maybe i wrote it because i need to be told that i am wrong. that i am self-centered and jaded. perhaps i need to hear both. perhaps this is how you feel too.
#sorryimnotsorry

5 hours, 23 minutes, 56 seconds

My predictions for who will win and who should/who I want to win. There are differences here.
Best Actor- Colin Firth hands down, most amazing male lead actor role of the year. Absolutely amazing performance. James Franco would be my second choice. I really enjoyed 127 Hours and he is just plain beautiful. It would be nice to see a young actor win, but Colin Firth will most certainly be taking this one home and it's well deserved.
Best Actress- Natalie Portman is my prediction of the winner. I think she did a great job and I won't be disappointed if she wins. However, I thought the dance scenes were cheated due to her lack of rich dance experience. I'd love to see Nicole Kidman win just because I really, really, really loved her in Rabbit Hole (see my previous post).
Supporting Actress- Melissa Leo, no contest. She was simply incredible in The Fighter and deserves this by a landslide. Hailee Steinfield would be my back-up choice for a fifteen year old whose first film got her an Oscar nomination. I was disappointed to see Julianne Moore overlooked this year, I loved her in The Kids Are All Right and thought she was deserving of a nomination for either supporting or best. Too bad. I was also disappointed to see Mila Kunis without a nomination. Goodbye Jackie, hello hot, vivacious, talented ballerina.
Supporting Actor- Christian Bale. Another category where The Fighter blows all other competition out of the water. Second to Bale would be Geoffery Rush in The King's Speech or John Hawkes in Winter's Bone. Bale really impressed me and made The Fighter what it was.
Best Direction- David Fincher but close second preference would be Darron Aronofsky for Black Swan. My gut tells me this will be one of two categories that The Social Network has in the bag.
Cinematography- I'd kill to see Inception take this one home, but most likely we will see King's Speech or Black Swan.
Adapted Screenplay- Social Network
Original Screenplay- King's Speech
Best Picture- The King's Speech. This is what I want to win and what I think will win. I wouldn't be too surprised to see Black Swan win. But, if I had to say my favorite movie on the list, not going to lie, I think it was The Kids Are All Right.
I was disappointed in Winter's Bone and Blue Valentine.
True Grit was really fantastic. It will be sad to see it get overlooked, but other movies just overshadowed the Coen brothers this year.
All the other categories, I will predict but since I haven't seen all the nominees, I can't form a really solid opinion.
Animated- Toy Story 3 (of course)
Art Direction- King's Speech
Costume Design- The Tempest
Documentary- Inside Job
Film Editing- Fighter
Foreign Language- Biutful
Original Score- Social Network
Original Song- Toy Story