exchanging my desire for a crystal ball for something so much greater

Long time no see. I would say I am sorry, but I am ridiculously busy with great things so I am not that sorry it turns out. So here is a much-over-due post. 
A dear friend's recent proposal sparked a near meltdown about life that i am so craving to be apart of happening without me. I'm such a control freak I can't stand not knowing what's going on. I haven't gotten a chance to do a big post on all the things I am thankful for or talk much on what I have attempted to learn through the book 1000 Gifts. I say "attempted to learn" because I do not have down by any means. in fact, I have a soap box of sorts about learning and the idea that very few things you truly learn. anyways, the past two months at the suggestion of a dear mentor of mine, I decided to begin this book that calls for a way of living where you appreciate essentially each and every second as something to be thankful to God for. The author challenges you to make a list and go past 1000. I am on number 361. Last year, I was driving in my car with my favorite songs playing and I had an awakening that instead of fretting and complaining about the future that I must chose to be thankful for the journey. this year, I am still practicing being thankful for the journey instead of bitching that I do not have a crystal ball. Still most days I would splurge big time for that crystal ball. Perhaps it is because a majority of my epiphanys occur in my car or in the shower it seems I have not had one in quite some time. my shower is less of a shower and more like a struggling dripping faucet so my morning showers last less than two songs. I haven't seen my car in over 90 days. But a few days ago, walking through the city and listening intently to her sounds while reading an email I felt joy rush through my body at something so simple: a new email. If you are truly a religious fan of my writings and you read my other blog, perhaps you picked up before on how much the various forms of communication make me feel connected and not like I'm standing on the other side of the world, but really. I am thankful for that email and all the emails that fill my inbox. So while my thanksgiving post last year was about a huge abstract idea, this post is about a collection of the smallest seemingly insignificant things that actually mean so much. This entire experience of living here has been about teaching me to be thankful for the little things. it's so easy to be thankful for a pretty day with perfect weather and the sun shining and hard to be thankful for the fog, rain and nasty weather. here are a few examples of the things I am thankful for that you may not have even thought twice about. it's my hope that this post inspires you to not think of thanksgiving as over and that it's Christmas time but to remember that giving-thanks is everyday, all year round and is a continuous state of mind instead of a dinner celebration that comes the third Thursday of the month. 

cash back
waking up early
the satisfying feeling of productivity 
jeans that feel looser
taking new shoes out of the box for the first time
the words "i love you" sometimes so insufficient and sometimes exactly what you need to be reminded of
houndstooth
the last sip of coffee that is always the sweetest
soap boxes
being completely enamored with a book
the moment when you actually can feel "the wheels" working inside your brain as your fingers fly across the keyboard
english tshirts on someone who most likely doesnt speak english
postcards
the doorbell ringing
a good bottle of wine
pockets
bright lipstick
a pokerface
the smell of gasoline
sheets of ice glistening under the sun
successfully talking and listening at the same
the crackling noise of a bonfire
hot french fries
rollarcoasters- figurative ones and the real thing
the little kisses on my calf that grey gives me
happy hour
porch swings
mercy
locks on doors
going someplace completely new without getting lost
the feeling of newspaper on your fingers
steam on the mirror
that food in the pantry you know you will never eat
the sound of a key turning a lock
catching a button before it falls off
my passport
elephants
making eye contact with a stranger
photocopies that are still warm from the machine
a dishwasher
shoes that are cute AND comfortable
all forms of carbohydrates
cookies fresh out of the oven

less drowning, more land

though i am not 100% positive, i think the sensation pumping through my blood has not been felt in over four years. i have not felt the security and excitement of pieces falling into place like this in a LONG time. and it feels amazing. i feel like I am no longer watching my dreams from the window  (read what post i am referencing here) but instead i am holding them in my hand like a snitch. watching that dream flap its wings excitedly as i am holding it, just waiting for me to line up a few more puzzle pieces so that i can grab ahold of it fully and let its wings carry me there.
plans are odd things. this year in particular, i have advocated being open minded and ready for anything (reference here). i have reassured myself there is beauty in uncertainty. and after several months, i relapsed into PLAN mode and started laying down plans left and right. it just creeped up on me. finally, i caved under the peer pressure to have it all miraculously figured out. shockingly with a little elbow grease and a few great contacts, i was feeling really good about the new blueprint. i had some promising options hanging in the air and was thrilled for the things i had lined up for myself. then BOOOM. i received an email about a job i had applied for in February. three emails and two days later, i had accepted a year-long position in Madrid, Spain. goodbye plan. hello awesomeness. one of my absolute favorite Bible verses is the Lord's answer to Habakkuk's complaint in chapter one of Habakkuk. He says, "I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."
what's that?  i am not in control? seriously?! this entire time i was thinking i was. oh, was that where i went wrong? well, thanks for the slap in the face, god/fate/destiny/chance/all of the above. a very, very sincere thank you. it was deserved i suppose. i am beyond words exhilarated and thrilled not just for myself but for those around me as i excitedly stay tuned on how their futures are coming together so beautifully also. perhaps patience really IS a virtue, after all. who knew.

"no more false starts and no dead ends" -from his wonderful and newly released album, Matt Nathanson, Mercy      Watch him preform it live by clicking here!

Source: google.com via Shannon on Pinterest

when we're wounded together

i have been silent on Facebook, Twitter, this blog, my personal journal. i am in repair amidst a beautiful mess. i am in recovery mode. too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. i'm not together, but i am getting there.
   thankfully, all the stuff that i think i need was avoided by the mouth of the tornado. i feel too lucky and too blessed to complain about how the last weeks of my senior year evaporated while i sat in the basement thinking about what a waste of my time this tornado warning was. i walked up the stairs still ignorant and ten minutes later, i was wondering if my friends on fifteenth street were alive. i didn't know tornados actually picked up houses and killed people like in the fucking Wizard of Oz. but, this indeed does happen and it has across the south. the destruction and damage goes beyond the ruined houses, buildings, families, injured, deaths and seeps into emotions that cannot be described.
     these past few days though, i have witnessed broken people helping in unimaginable ways. i have seen a community so tightly bound together determined to rebuild stronger. needs have not only been met, but have been exceeded. the donation locations are over-flooded with clothing. i've been amazed. its a beautiful mess. in the oddest way, there is much more than pain and hurt when you drive through the hardest hit areas. there is resilience as expressed by the mayor. there is beauty. strength. i walked around in awe, submerged in (the) contradictions.
to those who helped volunteer, who donated their "precious stuff," their time and their money, to those who were affected, who prayed, who offered kind words to ease hurt, you have done more than you know. the seeds that you have planted make a larger difference than you will ever know. i have been amazed by you. i have watched and been encouraged to join in your courage and faith. your efforts go against the selfish norm. like picking up trash in dresses.
     driving home from Tuscaloosa after taking every ounce of evidence that i ever once lived in that little apartment, i stumbled upon this older song and played it on repeat for almost an hour. i can't help but thinking that Tuscaloosa and those who love the town are a beautiful mess.
it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write, turn themselves into knives. the happy graduation wishes are received with salt, bitterness, while images of the storm fill my mind. it was never suppose to be like this.
   it's okay to be strong but needy. humble but greedy. because i know that (my) mind is rather reckless. well, i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is. hey, what a beautiful mess this is... and I have to believe that in this madness, there's no shame in being crazy. 
i love what he sings triumphantly at the end. shit happens. times change. hearts break. but it's no big deal. it's nothing we can't handle when we are wounded together. and isn't that exactly what we are? wounded but TOGETHER?
so as i feel the burden of describing how bad it is, i can find comfort in my friends and foundation who is all experiencing exactly what i am. because here we are. two days after what was suppose to be our graduation after a week completely different than what we had ever envisioned. and from here, we WILL heal. together.

through TIMELESS words and PRICELESS pictures, we'll FLY like birds out of this Earth.
and times, they turn. and hearts disfigure.
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.


here we are. we're still here. we are waiting closure. and we will get it. we will get praise for our efforts and our hard work and our impressive accomplishments because we deserve it. and we will continue to love, pray, support in all ways possible for as long as needed and even after. this spirit must carry through for months to come as we save ourselves and start again. and when we do get that closure and when we start healing, we will confidently say, the wait was so worth it.
thanks for reading this novel of a post and i hope it provided you with some comfort. i am still fighting urges to lament about how unfair all of this is from every single angle. i still have not cried. but i have to believe that we will understand why this happened in the end and that it's all going to work out more beautifully than we could have constructed on our own.
John Mayer says in the video link posted above, "the lyric idea for In Repair came from this kind of knowledge about the way people are. that we're always either on the way down or on the way up and you never really enjoy the moment when it's all put together 'cause it probably never really is. those moments where things come apart is only setting you up for that moment when you put it back together again. and you're so surprised that it's coming back together again. so there's this beauty of the idea of being in repair."

so let the wind blow us to wherever it says we are suppose to go

Quito, Ecuador

Bocas del Toro, Panama

Cozumel, Mexico

Lagos, Portugal

Chefchaouen, Morocco

Travel is an intensified feeling—maximum thrills per minute and one of the last great sources of legal adventure. Travel is freedom. It’s recess and we need it… Connecting with people carbonates your experience. Extroverts have more fun. If your trip is low on magic moments, kick yourself and make things happen. If you don’t enjoy a place, maybe you don’t know enough about it.  Seek the truth. Recognize tourist traps. Give the culture the benefit of your open mind. See things as different, but not better or worse. Any culture has plenty to share. Of course, travel, like the world, is a series of hills and valleys. Be fanatically positive and militantly optimistic. If something’s not to your liking, change your liking. Travel can make you a happier American, as well as a citizen of the world. Our Earth is home to six and a half billion equally precious people. It’s humbling to travel and find that other people don’t have the “American Dream”—they have their own dreams. Europeans like us, but with all due respect, they wouldn’t trade passports. Thoughtful travel engages us with the world. In tough economic times, it reminds us what is truly important. By broadening perspectives, travel teaches new ways to measure quality of life. Globetrotting destroys ethnocentricity, helping us understand and appreciate other cultures. Rather than fear the diversity on this planet, celebrate it. Among your most prized souvenirs will be the strands of different cultures you choose to knit into your own character. The world is a cultural yarn shop, and Back Door travelers are weaving the tapestry. Join in! –Rick Steves, Europe Through the Back Door

Kiev, Ukraine

Venice, Italy

Bavaria, Germany (Neuschwanstein)

Innsbruck, Austria

Zurich, Switzerland

Toledo, Spain

"I wait for something under a streetlight. It won't be long because it's dark, it's cold, it's one of those nights where something out there keeps me alive. But I don't know where to go. So I think I'll sit and stay here a while til I figure it out. So, let the wind blow us to wherever it says we are suppose to go. 

When you WANT something but can't name it.. it's something you've never seen before- OPEN THE DOOR! It's something you've always been afraid of.. and now all you want is more." -Joshua Radin

"With every sun that sets, I am feeling more like a stranger on a foreign shore with an eroding beach disappearing from underneath. 'Cause I'm a man that hides from all that binds in a mess of fading lines. I always fall in love with an open door with a horizon on an endless shore as I look around at the ones standing right in front of me. And then my mirror speaks with irreverence like a soldier I can't command that sees a frightened child in the body of a full grown man." -Death Cab For Cutie

love, what more is there?

As usual, Dave Matthews says this better than I can. His words are in pink from Pig just mixed in supporting my thoughts. So i know Valentine's Day isn't everyone's favorite day, but LOVE is my word. i passionately try to make a very conscience effort to do nothing other than live by the idea to "love. everyday." Some days I'm more successful than others. Single friends, you are no more single today than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. being single is awesome. i'm loving it. being held and loved and in love is amazing too. To friends happily in love, I am happy for you too. Wherever you're at today, you WILL find love (see my previous post). Being somewhere confused in between is great too. All things are good in their time. I am a stupid girl with days when I miss the comfort of an old relationship. That's alright, all good things must come to an end sometime. I smile thinking about some wonderful Valentine's Days and cringe thinking about others- like in junior high when I thought this boy I had a crush on was going to give me this teddy bear but instead he gave it to my friend at the time. Still stings a little actually. But Valentine's Day shouldn't be wasted on thoughts of self-pity because our "relationship status" might not be "ideal." Oh, isn't it strange, how e move our lives for another day? What if a great wave should wash us all away? Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing but look at my blood. It's alive right now, deep and sweet within, pouring through our veins. From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright. Oh, there's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away. Is this not enough? This blessed sip of life, is it not enough? Then, complain and pray for more from above, you greedy little pig. It will all be dead and gone in a few short years. The point is, there will almost always be some aspect of your life that isn't "ideal." That's how it goes. In an effort to always be self-improving, there will always be something that is worthy of change. Higher grades, a better job, more money, or whatever. February 14 just happens to call attention to the whole love aspect. But, here's the thing. Just love will open our eyes. Just love will put the hope back in our mind, much more than we could ever know. Come sister, my brother, shake up your bones shake up your feet. I'm saying, OPEN UP AND LET THE RAIN COME POURING IN. Wash out this tide notion, oh that 'the best is yet to come.'  The best isn't that next phase. It's right now. This life is short, and nothing else is going to matter other than the memories, the love you shared and how you lived your life. So let this Valentine's day be about remembering that-There's bad times but that's okay, just look for love in it. You gotta love. What point could there be troubling, head down, wondering 'what will become of me?' The answer is there is NO point. I am thankful for where I am happy and overwhelmingly surrounded by people that I love dearly. My "charge" to you today is- Don't burn the day away. Look for love in it. You'll be shocked at how abundant it is in your life. Don't let Hallmark tell you otherwise. I needed to write this, read it as much as I hope you enjoyed it. This LOVE will open our WORLD. Afterall, Love, what more is there? 

 

Please, take my hand. 

Just say,"YES."Just say there's nothing holding you back.

It's so simple and you know it is.

Just say yes.

Cause I'm aching, and I know you are too. 

For the touch of your warm skin as I breathe you in.
It's all I want.
It's not a test nor a trick of the mind, only LOVE.
Just say YES.

-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

what have I learned in 22 years? very little, yet quite a lot, let me warn you.

expectations are an interesting thing. i have found time and time again that expectations can get you in trouble. other times, expectations lead me to a goal that I would have never reached otherwise. most unfortunately, when I woke up on Friday, I didn't have some miraculous new-found wisdom because i turned 22. but I have been inspired to realize that though I still have a lot to learn- like keeping my own expectations in line- I have learned a lot in 22 years. I literally learn something new EVERYDAY. Here's a list of the first 22 things that come to mind, regardless of importance.
I could never manage to make an exhaustive list.
1. Without a "to-do" list, I am practically nothing.
2. South Park can cure insomnia.
3. The more music that fills my itunes, the better. Music is my anti-drug. It changes everything. Without it, I honestly don't know where or who I would be.
4. I cannot pull off lipstick.
5. No death is easy. But living through one certainly makes you stronger.
6. Eventually, no matter what, it WILL be "alright."
7. Buying a dog that couldn't live with me was stupid. But I don't regret it. Dog training is not easy. Animals have the power to truly make your day.
8. Love is a beautiful, precious and fragile thing.
9. Some friends come and some friends go. Regardless, friends and family can be synonymous.
10. When I am most upset, I want a hug. And then to be told that I am being stupid, that I am stronger than this and to shut up. I am weird.
11. Therapy is awesome. Everyone should go.
12. Though I use to hate peanut butter, avocados, asparagus, tomatoes and artichokes, taste buds change every few years. Thank God because I love these things now.
13. Italian tastes like honey on my tongue; Spanish is sweet and smooth like chocolate. I'd prefer Spanish over English almost any day.
14. No break-up BREAKS you.
15. People are STUPID. Forgiveness is necessary.
16. I am incredibly, beyond words, BLESSED.
17. I have true passions in dance and theater even I may not participate in these activities now in my everyday life.
18. Painting a canvas, working on a scrapbook or making something for someone calms me and brings me great joy.
19. Tequila can only be drank under very special conditions; whiskey and I do not mix well; vodka/sprite is my go-to- but only with two limes. Alcohol is a beast.
20. No amount of traveling can quench my thirst for going to more places, nor cure my "open door" syndrome.
21. God is a BIG God. My doubts in Him are healthy. Faith in Him is rare, yet beautiful.
22. Not everything in your life has to be planned, second for second. Sometimes the greatest things are spontaneous surprises, even if that scares me.

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!” -Christian D. Larson

thanks for nothing python/rattlesnake stilettos

as i am sitting here bitching about my wrist hurting, kicking myself for letting something happen to my RIGHT hand in the first place (like Johnny Tremain) I decide to watch TV. 

Reasons why I love Discovery Health:

5. It's better than almost all the other crap on TV

4. I actually learn things like that hundreds of years ago there was a boy born with two heads who lived til he was four and died from a snake bite. And it stretches my mind, because i can't imagine being in these situations.

3. I see amazing people that save lives, undergo such hardships, are truly brilliant (I cant imagine passing chemistry much less doing brain surgery, so I really cannot imagine being the chief of neurosurgery at UCLA that performs a parasite twin operation) 

2. I am reminded of how blessed I am.

But most importantly, 

It forces me to shut up and be thankful.

So, take an hour or two out of your day to watch Discovery Health.

For more information on Manar- who inspired this particular post- go here: Manar video and here. 

x-rays

sometimes things have to go wrong in order for you to gain appreciation for how perfectly it worked before.